SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

That’s it. I don’t think they’re ruining them deliberately but a white hoody worn by a seven year old for twelve days straight isn’t going to look the same.

If DSS is wearing a white top for 12 days without washing, why hasn't your husband moved his children in full time.

Why is he leaving them 12 days if they're neglected?

He should have concentrated on the disfunction of his family before joining another family.

I'd never leave my children. Is there a court order for access.

He needs to step up, if that's collecting washing twicea week, he needs to do it or take them deal with the court later.

How is this lady primary carer.

I thought this too, as its exactly what used to happen to my clothes and shoes.

Period stained knickers are gross and totally unacceptable, but are a separate issue to the mum "keeping and ruining" the clothes OP bought. Obviously the kids need to bring some clothes with them when they come to stay, but it is also reasonable for the kids to want to wear those clothes the rest of the month.

Can you plan something really messy for right before they head back on Sunday? Messy play with paint etc so they have to put on 'painting clothes' and send them back in that. Obviously painting clothes are the shit mum sends them in, and you can even suggest they take their crafts home with them to show mum and use at her house!

Can You get her to pack an outfit each for the kids and you can put them in their nice things when you have them then change into what mums packed to go home ? I couldn’t put them in uniform, it’s not their fault !

I think you’re going to have to buy them some cheap stuff to change into to go home in. So they wear the nice clothes to go bowling etc & then change before you drop them off.

Surely at least the eldest should be able to understand that they need to stick a change of clothes in their school bag on a Friday?

Because why should I have to buy six new outfits a month? If I let them wear trainers back we’d never see them again so you think I should buy them two new pairs a month?

I fully understand how frustrating this is op but you don't HAVE to buy new outfits each month. You are CHOOSING to because you PREFER them to be dressed more to your liking for a day out.
These are all choices you are making.

The most simple thing to do is buy the cheap primark basics and as you said, this might make them bring back some of the nicer clothes. And if they don't, well they are still dressed and you haven't paid a fortune!

If the basic clothes dont come back, when they're down to their last set or have run out, your husband can remind them/ their mum that they will only have PJs at your place the following week so must bring something or will need to stay in.

At this point, their mum and your husband can decide what to do, whether that be the children staying in, in pjs all weekend or them arranging between themselves to pick up/buy clothes.

Take yourself out of this as much as you can. You sound like a lovely step mum but those kids have 2 parents, let them ultimately deal with all of this and try to take a step back where you can.

I understand you feel bad about your children wearing nicer stuff but again, choices. Their mother chooses to do something different to you.

Make whichever choice suits you best.

Sounds like they are being neglected. Have you contacted SS about this?

My sd clothes came back in a certain way or not at all. We once asked and asked ahead of a holiday as we were missing all sorts, went and bought all new to be handed two bags full of dirty stuff night before the holiday. She knew full well we wouldn’t have time to wash it. From then on she went home in what she came in, school uniform or otherwise but nothing left the house that we’d bought. ( awful situation and caused a lot of tension)

I lived with foster carers. They would send me to see my mum in lovely clothes as they wanted her to know I was being well looked after. She sent me back to them in clothes that were tatty, too small etc. I can't fathom why as I saw her rarely but I suspect she was selling the clothes. Could the mother be doing this?

If this is the case, are they not also old enough to talk to about packing their own stuff to bring to yours?

Can make it a part of a conversation with them before they come, so they know what they're going to be doing with you, and can pick the outfits they want to wear (that they'll bring with them from mum's).

Make it a facetime conv, and you can see them packing it all in a bag (along with something you can send them back in on the Sunday...)

To rephrase the great Ms Cline - they have those little things, you've got him. If my dad left me to live with his new squeeze when and if I were 'primary school age', I would be doing the same as Princess Diana were doing to her step mum, and she did it with her jewellery, not stupid clothes!

This is such a common problem. My ex and I coparent well and even we used to fall out about it.

I honestly think you need to reframe it that the clothes are the kids clothes and get them to take as much responsibility for their stuff as possible, which definitely gets easier as they get older.

So they have a certain amount of nice stuff that you get them for Christmas or whatever, but once that disappears to mom's, buy some charity shop joggers/leggings/t-shirts of the type you get 5 for a pound - clean and not torn, but not especially stylish - and the kids have to wear them until their other stuff comes back.

I honestly don't think even primary age is too young to get kids to take responsibility for their clothes - in fact we do our kids a service when we make them more responsible. In my opinion,

(Sorry if that sounds Victorian and harsh - in most ways I am a big softy, but this is what I have learned as a parent, and I now have an impressive mature and sensible as well as fun daughter).

I'd buy decent hoodies, coats and trainers etc but keep a basic one in the car with some croc type clogs and send them back in their mum's with those.
Then I'd buy multi pack George @ ASDA basics for the rest of it - then they can jazz up their basic t shirt and leggings combo with nice jacket and trainers

Yes I think you've now had every solution offered to you.

The choice is carry on as you are, or pick which solution you are prepared to try.

Send them back in uniform..my ss's mum used to

You can get leggings for about £3 in primark and t-shirts for £1. Cheap knickers and socks from Shein. They can wear nice clothes during the day but make them change into cheap clothes to go home. Even if you are out they can do it in the loo or car. People are offering solutions but you don’t seem to be listening.

What are the kids supposed to wear at their Dad’s home when all their clothes are at their Mum’s because she can’t be bothered to return them?
Giving a child (who doesn’t have periods yet) period stained too small knickers isn’t acceptable.

Why can't you ask mum to hand over a bag of their nice clothes when you drop them back so you have some ready for next week end? Tell her you're all out and thyeyll be in uniforms all of next weekend unless she gives some back. If she doesn't then tell children to go in and get some and you'll wait outside. Dad needs to lead on this

^ This. If it doesn't work I would honestly send them back in their (clean) uniforms. Presumably at least one of them is old enough to understand that you can't just keep buying more clothes. Give them the choice, either between them they make sure they bring clothes to wear (or as above sort it the week before) or they have to wear their uniforms. I'd ignore any sulkiness over it, they should be bloody grateful that their stepmother buys them so many nice clothes.

My ex said that my sons clothes always got lost at mine which as I didnt have any other children at the time seems a little strange.

He used to change on a Sunday evening before he went home - which in the long term probably worked in my favour as he realised his mother had 'issues'

I would suggest recording what they are wearing though as it sounds like there may be neglect issues

Have I missed how old these children are, who are old enough to care about their “nice” clothes, old enough to think through wearing their best clothes on a Sunday so as to have them at Mum’s, and argue back when told not to, but not old enough to pack a bag?

Poor kids.

Honestly, don't make this a big deal! Of course it's a pain but what can you do?
I used to buy big bundles of second hand clothes (maybe vinted), charity shops, eBay etc etc. Dress them in then. Problem solved.

What time do you take them home on a Sunday? We solved this issue by bathing the kids and putting in PJ’s before taking home after tea.

Poor kids. Their mum sounds neglectful.