SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

How about they get bathed and changed into some nice pyjamas to travel home if it’s in the evening. Primark have quite cheap pairs. It won’t matter if these get ruined because they will be wearing them in bed.

I used to have specific handover onesies to avoid this situation although that only works if the other parent actually sends back the onesies for the next handover. For us it worked as there were also a bag of teddies and other items that the children wanted to use at both houses so the onesies came with that.

I might start by talking to the school, see if they have any concerns

I would think about contacting social services.

They do, but they are not. End of.

See, putting end of at the end of a sentence doesn't make anything more real or true. Nor does it end the discussion.

I went through this. Say you have a bag of all of her clothes that she has sent them in and you are coming to (or their dad) is coming to collect all the clothes that you've purchased as you have none left. I was the bio mum and had thedad who couldn't even pay child maintenance keeping all the clothes and shoes I'd purchased. I said I was coming and I wanted them all back and I went and did that. And when I got to doorstep and he hadn't done it I said I will go in and get them all then. Because I'm not buying clothes for you. I was quite blunt about it because I had enough by then. I then went in and went through all the clothes and found all the missing things over the last couple of years. Many too small now. All the shoes. Including single ones of slippers or wellies etc. If always felt cruel if I'd say no because the kids have their fave things and I wasn't prepared to put them in musty old clothes like they did to make a point to them. Or being improperly dressed or equipped for the weather. But they wasted huge amounts of my money and it just went on and on. Tell your partner (their dad) that he needs to say to his ex that he's coming to collect all the clothes and shoes you've purchased as you've bagged all of hers up for her. And stick with this. If she says something about the ones she's sent. I wouldn't even get into a thing about the state of them. I would just say that you've bagged them up ready and you will be swapping back over.

Omg it’s not that she doesn’t care about her children. She’s doing 90% of the parenting for 3 small children, of course she doesn’t have time to be meticulous about clothes and which go in which houses

Buy only super cheap clothes for them to go home in - ie Primark - and don’t let them take any more of the nicer things.

It’s awful as my ex is the same but he earns much more than what I earn. He does it to spite me, and doesn’t get the kids anything to wear at his house - not even winter boots, coats etc. He then tells the children ‘they are your clothes, you should be allowed to take them from mum’s house if you want’ or ‘you don’t need another pair or winter boots, you already have some’. They ‘borrows’ them from mine, then they don’t reappear.

If the children are wearing the clothes because they like them does it matter? You could buy some cheaper clothes for the Sunday return and nicer ones for the rest of the weekend, and explain to the kids it’s because you don’t want the nice ones ruined. That’s what I would do in my house if my children were going somewhere or doing something where their clothes might get ruined. Please also buy them a couple of packs of pants for them to take home with them. Poor kids.

Feel for you as I have it the other way around. Ex keeps the clothes I send them in, send them back in clothes that are far too small. Now wants me to supply school uniform for his house...

Or keeping them for her other children?

Thats still an entire outfit going missing every weekend, so would quickly lead to an empty wardrobe.

Their mother is doing this on purpose. Send them home in their uniforms. BTW, You sound like a lovely step mum❤️

You are a very nice person OP but since you bought them so much underwear and other clothes, would it not be better to keep everything at your house and just allow them one item of clothes to go back to their mother, that way they will have nice clothes to go out when they stay with you. Explain it to the girls if you have to, that you can't afford to buy clothes every time they are coming to you.

Send them back in the uniform to make a point ..
Or can she at least send pj's they could be sent back in .

I’d be saying to them, you cannot wear that home because you have nothing else to wear here. Unless next Sunday you want to go out bowling in school uniform? Have the conversation in their room so they can see the empty drawers. Ask them whether they are willing to bring back some of their other things that you’ve bought them, if they can’t or won’t they have to leave nice stuff at yours. They’ll understand, even if they don’t like it. If they want to wear nice clothes at your house the clothes stay there. If they take them to mum’s, they have to put up with whatever is available at yours next time they come. You don’t have to blame mum but just calmly point out the problem.

My friend had something similar she collected SC on a Friday after school and they go back on a Sunday evening.
In the end she asked that they came on Fridays with PJs and pants in their school bags, so she baths them and returns them in their pjs and pants with school shoes on and uniform washed on a Sunday.
thats stopped the clothes going missing and getting ruined.

Send them home in uniform - easy.

Can’t you change the handover so that you drop them back to school on Monday morning and avoid the direct handover completely?

We used to have this issue when the girls were young. In the end they would go home in our clothes and when they got home change out of those and into something from their house and they would bring “our” clothes out to my partner as he waited in the car. I had to do that as like you everything nice that I bought them never came back otherwise

I had this with my stepson. His mother used to send him in stinking, too short clothes, knowing we would go out and buy more for him. Then she would keep the new clothes and repeat. I got wise to her and would wash the clothes he came in to go home in. She kicked up a fuss that we were not treating him right (go figure) because we wouldn’t send him back in the nice new clothes. My husband paid her a lot of money in maintenance but she would still try it on all the time. That was just the tip of the iceberg though and we ended up going to court and being awarded full custody. She was truly awful (and still is) and was always trying to poison him against us (claiming I ruined their happy home and was stopping them being a family - we met after they’d been divorced for four years) but luckily my step son is now an adult and can see the truth and what a nightmare she is / was. Unfortunately there are some parents like that out there but you don’t have keep forking out, send them back in what they came in and keep some ‘weekend clothes’ for them to change in to.

I would look to change contact to be Friday from school and return Monday to school. I saw you mentioned breakfast club starts at 8am - your DP should be able to put a flex request in and start an hour later every other Monday and either work the hour at the end of the day or an alternative day. This is what my DP had to do.

Alternatively, Dad needs to send a message on the Thursday night reminding mum to have all clothes together for contact the following day. She’ll soon get sick of receiving the reminder and you could always do a quick shower each before handover on Sundays, changed into the uniform to go back in and position it that it’s much better than everything being forgotten plus they’ve saved time for when back with mum as all freshly showered before bed.

I have this experience when my daughter goes to her Dad. And anything that does come back, comes back unwashed. It’s beyond frustrating. I have no solutions other than to ask the children to make sure they bring clothes back themselves. Some people are useless.

Fair enough. Just wanted to play devil’s advocate on this as the main thing is the kids feel loved and not embarrassing about their clothing.

For what it’s worth, I have a similar character in my life ( ExH who regularly sends kids back to me with ripped clothes. I send them back in same stuff, but it’s not ideal for kids. They are boys so don’t seem to care 🤦‍♀️