Seeing both families equally

Would they agree to a walk or any other activity instead of lunch?

If you don’t want much of a relationship with them or to spend lots of time with them then just keep communication with them to a minimum and don’t tell them every time you’ve done something with people who aren’t them. Why would you do that? Obviously it’s going to be hurtful when they already know you’re not that fussed about them that when they do speak to you, you regale them with all the hours of fun you had with your in-laws, then decline time with them. Just cut out the detail around that.

Leaving the dog aside (I think you've posted about this before haven't you?), no, you don't need to spend equal time with your families. We spend far more time with my family than we do with DH's family. We just don't go out of our well to tell DH's family and none of us are on social media etc. DH's family are fine but spending time with them isn't that much fun and it always seems excessively complicated. We don't want to hurt them but we're not going to see less of my family for that reason.

How were you frozen out when it’s you that don’t want to spend time with them unless it’s on your terms?

And since you ask, no you are not being unreasonable to not spend time with them because you don’t like them. Not sure why you bother asking here when you are so rigid in your views. What were you expecting from this thread?

So

It seems like OP’s dog (who is clearly a big part of her life, her child if you will) was allowed to every event and to their homes. No one had an issue, then DB and his wife had children and suddenly OP wasn’t allowed to bring her dog anymore. She felt shut off because doggy was allowed everywhere and was part of the family, then suddenly told no more now there’s kids. I can understand both sides. I wouldn’t have wanted a dog around my small baby, and I think saying no to the dog being brought to DB’s house is understandable.

But DB and his wife went further than that and told OP’s parents “dog isn’t allowed to your home either so it’s either we bring the kids or you see OP and the dog” so her parents being in an awkward position started seeing them separately. Understandably the parents want to see their grandkids as a priority.

I get OP’s upset, I think there needed to be a compromise. Dog doesn’t go to DB’s house but is allowed on days out (in a public place etc)

I do think OP should of agreed to going to the homes without the dog for the sake of kids but that’s just my opinion.

You don’t ever go to the dentist? GP? Get a hair cut?
You’re never, ever apart from your dog? I honestly find that very unlikely.
A relative has an annoying jumpy spaniel and my toddlers hate being around it, it scare them, tries to steal their food, gets in their face etc and I would also plan to be at relatives home when the dog wasn’t there.
I find it pretty bizarre you would rather not have any relationship with your brother and husband family than ever spend an hour without your dog in someone else’s home.

Why not leave your dog home or with a dog sitter occasionally and see your family?
And personally I would see parents if the only issue is its a bit boring. You will regret it down the line when they're not here to see anymore.

You are not just unreasonable, you’re bloody ridiculous.

You haven't been "frozen out". You've chosen your dog over your family because you aren't willing to leave your pet at home for an hour or two. Totally different.

Sounds like you've opted out of your family so just own that decision. Tell them you don't care and you don't want to spend time with them 🤷

Re the dog yabu. Can't believe you can't see that. Leave your dog behind or get a dog sitter and see your family. You coming across as rude and it's your way or no way .. entitled.

You are all being unreasonable!

Sounds like brother was OTT but it doesn't seem fair to punish your parents for that.

Your extended family allowed your brother to dictate how and with whom they spent their time.

But you are unreasonable to expect anyone else to allow your dog over. Think of it as bringing an uninvited guest that you know the event giver doesn't like.

I was a dog owner for decades. My dog always stayed home unless I was going to a friend's that also always had a dog and my dog was specifically invited, like, bring TotoWhoRollsOnSlugstheSlimiertheBetter.

You haven’t been “frozen out” by your brother and SIL - they’ve made a perfectly normal request that you don’t bring your dog to their house or everywhere you go (because it’s a pain having to ensure that everywhere you go is dog-friendly when you just want a chill lunch somewhere, or to do something indoors), which you don’t want to agree to.

You don’t owe anyone time if you don’t want to see them, but you also can’t make complaints about them not having a good relationship with you as a result, or claim that you’re not being included when you’re creating a barrier to your own inclusion.

And surely life is about mixing things up? You can do fun chaos with your in-laws, and Sunday lunch with your parents, rather than telling your parents their activity is too boring.

'Before you all ask, my dog who comes everywhere with me and was by my side through an abusive relationship is the reason my DB didn't want me around the baby. I don't go anywhere without my dog, she is well behaved, good with kids and babies and always on a lead around friends babies. She was always welcome at family events and homes previously. I get it is up to my brother whether he wants a dog around his kid- he doesn't that's fine.'

I love my dog but she doesn't come everywhere. Leave her at home when visiting people and see your db and his dc.

Family comes before pets. I wouldn't want people bringing their dog to visit us either.

Hmm…. yes well then I am on your side with that. I’d ask you to not bring dog over whilst my DS was little but wouldn’t have the nerve to think I can dictate bringing dog on a day out, to your parents etc

Saying that you were frozen out when you are the problem tells me all about you. Ridiculous to have the dog everywhere you go.

My nieces and nephews are some of my favourite people. I can't imagine sacrificing building a relationship with them for the sake of a pet who'll be gone before the kids are teenagers.

I’m on the fence now then. I understand maybe not wanting the dog at their house, dog hairs on baby things etc but are you saying DB didn’t want dog to come anywhere? To your parents house, to the park etc? As I do think that’s a bit precious of them