Seeing both families equally

Children and new partners/marriages do change dynamics. From reading your posts, it does feel a little like you wanted your dog to be allowed very quickly.

I had a dog when DD was born, so obviously she had a dog round her at all times, but that relationship was monitored by me and DH as her parents and the owner of the dog. We had full control over their interactions, the dog would listen to us if we said no, no one was going to be upset if we stepped in to stop something we didn't like or saw as potentially dangerous. And that goes for either dog or child behaviour.

At 6 months, even as a dog owner, because DD was starting to move and she had unpredictable movements (which can spook even the calmest of dogs), I wouldn't have wanted any other dog I couldn't be sure would meet all the criteria I outlined above to be around her. Now she's 3 it's much less worrying, she understands more, isn't scared by dogs etc.

Six months isn't a lot of time to be comfortable that your brand new, constantly changing, child is going to be ok with an animal that isn't yours. Maybe if you'd given it more time it would have been the same. Maybe it still could be.

Yes, it's coming through loud and clear that the dog is family to the OP (and as a pet owner I understand that). As a parent, I understand that my son isn't wanted everywhere, not do I want him everywhere either!

I can see that it would hurt to realise that the dog doesn't mean the same as an actual grandchild, and has been "usurped" by it.

But I would also feel punched in the gut as a sibling/parent if my siblings/child chose to not bother with my son/me because of their dog, who can be left with a partner occasionally.

A dog won't ever think that you got boring and fusty with age, but I'd hope my son one day tolerates me becoming a bit annoying. Due to the whole, "gave him life and supported him" stuff (assuming I do a half-decent job of raising him of course).

Brutally, OP, this dog WILL die before your family. Don't fail to nurture your relationships because you invested it all in the dog.

You don't owe your family the same time as you spend with your in-laws, but..... I refuse to have dogs in my house, I would be disappointed that my sister was not prepared to leave her dog at home to visit family, but that is the choice you have made.

There's a really simple compromise but you won't leave your pet home for a couple of hours. If you wanted to see your brother and parents then you could easily do so. You're the only one getting in the way. Seems pointless spending all this time hand wringing over it.

Because you are demanding your dog goes everywhere you go.

You froze yourself out.

I am a dog owner, but it’s crazy to think other people must accept your dog as family at all times

Pick a lane, I want things to be how they used to be, I don’t want to see my brother, I don’t want to be without my dog, I’m happy to compromise …

@whodafish it is very difficult when you feel so let down by significant family, I do understand.

Going forward, what would YOU want to happen, to enable everyone to resolve?

Of course your parents aren't entitled to equal time. But the wider issue here is that none of you value your family relationships sufficiently to make reasonable compromises.

Your OP literally says that you would spend more time with them if your brother and SIL were there too.

Right, so you refused to go because your dog wasn't allowed?
I love my dog but its up to people whether they want him in their house or not and/or around their child.
Its your fault you can't spend time with your brother

Or maybe take your parents for a NT visit along with the dog if the dog is the most important thing to OP (I say this as a fellow dog person who would take hers everywhere if possible but doesn't because you can't)

I feel a bit sorry for your parents to be honest. Can you not also invite them to join your in-laws for a few days out/walks etc? They might be a bit of a drag but it's the kind thing to do and a group of people might take the edge of the situation and make it more fun and relaxed.

In the future, lets hope your own children don't prefer spending time with their in-laws over you and DH! Imagine how you'd feel then.

therein lies your answer @whodafish

"they were never that bothered until they started playing the comparison game"

My family were close up until my brother and wife had their kids. At that point I found myself frozen out.

So very sad for you @whodafish could you possibly realise that dogs are not the same as children?

Honestly, you are being inflexible. It sounds like you could have family get togethers with your parents and you brother’s family but you won’t because you won’t go anywhere without your dog. You have essentially chosen your dog over your family so unless there is a backstory here you are being a bit mean.

You call your brother dictatorial but you're coming across as inflexible and dictatorial here.

I do think both you and your brother are BU.

As for time spent, it sounds like your parents aren't important to you so spend time how you like and hope you don't need them for anything in return.

I don’t like other people’s dogs. Though we no longer have our own either (died)

Id avoid meeting up with family where their dogs are if I can because frankly I don’t trust your dog or that you’d respond in a suitable way if something happened which would lead to a whole new layer of family issues. I can’t ban the public walking their dogs near a park, but I can just decide not to meet up if I get a hey want to come for a walk with me, dh and dDog, I can decide actually I’m not going to a dog friendly pub and that I won’t attend a dinner/bbq where a dog will be sniffing around.

You don’t want to spend time with your parents because it’s boring so do duty visits and tbh that’s your right if that’s how you feel. Maybe pop your mum on restricted though so she can’t see the things your SIL tags you in.

You don’t have to spend equal time with anyone.

I think it's more normal to accept that some people don't like animals. If my dog wasn't welcome I wouldn't take her, and if it was too long a time period to leave her alone one of us would probably not go (if not both, depending on the event). If my child wasn't welcome I would consider whether it was something I wanted to go to enough to use the good will of a family member for childcare or pay a sitter or for one of us to not attend.

If someone comes to my house they are aware the dog is here and that we aren't shutting her away, so it's their choice whether to visit or not. Same for the child. It's their home as well as mine. Same way it's my sister in law's home and she doesn't want the dog there because it will upset her cats.

It's just basic common courtesy.

My daughter was terrified of dogs. At OH’s family gatherings there was one family who insisted on having their dog everywhere. We made the decision not to be where they were. Others complained they never saw us there, we couldn’t give a shit. At my family gatherings dogs were shut away. If they hadn’t been, we wouldn’t have gone. My family understood you can’t just magic away a fear of dogs. Now she is 15, we have a dog and it was her choice and she is fine with dogs, we had to deal with her fear in her own time and our own way.

If anyone comes to my house and doesn’t want the dog around, we make sure they feel safe. Dog owners who think dogs trump people were our nightmare. I don’t want to be that way for anyone else.

You don’t have to spend equal time with family, but if you don’t want to even visit them, it’s better if you just tell them that rather than pretending it is about your dog and brother.