Seeing both families equally

Be prepared for your mum to ramp up the competition with your DP's mum about time with the baby. She is staking her claim early.

Tell your parents you don't want to spend time with them. And you do need to go to the dentist.

Going out somewhere together, isn't anything like the same as having someone else's dog in your house when you have a baby.

You are still BU.

Oh did you post another thread about your mum and brother…

Anyway it’s a bitter sweet isn’t it. Your only
Important enough now you’re going to have your own child.

They’re being the bigger person then for the sake of your mum

Then find a dog sitter and go when your db is there as well. I love dogs but didn't want a relatives dog in my house when I had a baby, honestly you are being ridiculous and cutting off your nose to spite your face. Yes your dog used to be welcome. Now it's not, it's not because the dog has done anything wrong but because either db or more likely your sil has just had a baby and is feeling a bit anxious about. You could be a grown up or you can keep being petulant and complaining that family time is no fun any more without your db because in your mind he is being unreasonable.

I’m confused, what announcement?

If your child describes spending time with you as a chore, maybe you should look at your relationship with that child and wonder why they feel like that.

OP feels no obligation towards her parents as they provided no support and help when she was in and when she was leaving an abusive relationship. She felt very lonely coping all on her own.

The dog is a red herring really. OP's mum was perfectly happy with the level of of contact with her daughter until she saw photos of OP having loads of 'instagrammable' fun with her in-laws.

You have no idea whether OP's parents sacrificed a lot for her. You are just making stuff up. OP is used to nothing being about her any more now that her brother has children. Her post isn't about that. You are telling OP that she must accept that she is right at the bottom of the pecking order with her own family because she doesn't have children but she isn't allowed to look outside her own family for the love and acceptance that is missing from her relationship with her parents.

I think your attitude is appalling. No, of course it doesn't need to be equal time, but if my child ever described spending time with me as a chore, I'd be utterly heartbroken. I think it's rude and disrespectful.

As for the dog, grow up. Your DB has every right to ask not to have a dog around a baby. Common sense. He has kids, you don't. The grandkids will always be a priority over you. You're an adult. God help you when you have kids of your own. Or grandchildren and hopefully you're not treated with such disdain. Your parents sacrificed a lot for you, unless there are other issues you wish to share? It's bloody hard work in every way you can imagine. Your attitude is selfish and immature.

So stop being so petty, leave the dog at home, and make an effort with your family. It's not all about you anymore, get used to it.

My parents are like this too. We have such fun filled days with my husbands family, going new places and lots of children. Visiting my family they like to sit and watch tv and drink cups of tea all day which is boring to my children. But my parents get jealous of the amount of time we spend with my husbands family

It's your right to choose your dog over seeing your brother and family.

You don't owe your parents any time.

You've made your choices and if you're happy with them, carry on.

I think you’re getting a pretty tough time on here with the focus on the wrong things. My take is that it boils down to the fact that you are happy seeing them as it stands every 4-6 weeks, your mum now has got the arseache that you’re having a lovely time more regularly with the I laws (and kids) than with them and therefore doing the woe is me wail.

She also wants the instagram photos to show a loving family to share with her cronies. However it doesn’t seem like she has reflected on why you don’t want to, and I don’t mean the dog. To be honest I don’t even think this has anything to do with your brother but for the fact that your mum wants those large family gatherings with all the pics but that is to the exclusion of your dog, who quite frankly (and I totally understand) has got you through more than these humans. You could easily argue that you want equal time and atmosphere that your brother and his family gets!

i can picture your meetings with your parents because it’s similar with my in-laws. All very formal, little belly laughing, a lot of judging (mostly silent but not always) and a weird dynamic being created between the grandkids. Strangely there is jealousy both ways between mine and dh parents for different reasons.

jealousy is such a horribly emotion, your mums reaction is not very emotionally intelligent nor well communicated if all she wants is some pictures of this big family gatherings. Maybe refer her to some AI software to create them!

Your op is completely misleading. In prioritising an animal over your family you’ve shown where your loyalties and empathy lie. I’m surprised your family even want to see you when you’ve been so disdainful of them.

Not read the full thread but read enough I have the gist I think.

similar dynamics in my family. Completely different issues but my parents ultimately sided with my brother expecting me to always comprise while he got to dictate.

i also have abusé relationship in my past. For me I realised this expectation my brother would come first or more to the point I must always give way to others and people please while that expectation was never put on other siblings was WHY I walked ignorantly into an abusive marriage. They also didn’t support me when I left. my mother is also all about appearances and wants to look good and loves a chance to show how amazing she is.

my mother makes her comments I don’t make the effort to visit her much. My response is well there’s an open invite to visit me whenever you like. She then doesn’t because what she really wants is that act of obligation visit and have a meal and look like a good family regardless of how that suits my young children in her not child proofed house. In your situation I’d do the same with your mum. Respond with “of course you would be welcome to come out to x day out with us shall we put it in the diary?” “You are always welcome to visit us just give us notice so we don’t double book” etc. If she genuinely cares about getting time with you that will be great news to her. If she only wants you to preform your daughterly dutiful visit you don’t have to feel guilty because you make the invites when she moans at you. if she continues to moan then you may start to want to put firmer boundaries in place and tell her to stop guilting you. Honestly it’s liberating when a narcissistic parent who led you down the path to abusive adult relationships realises you could happily live without them and won’t be taking shit anymore. They still need that tether to you so they can play happy family for the wider world. so after an adjustment period and a couple phases of low contact due to them pushing back they do just accept you are not that child to mould and guilt anymore and meet you halfway/your way

How does your mother know how much time you spend with your ILs to become upset about it?

My dog is my family. End of.

You sound ungrateful, unkind and unpleasant.

and the whole “my dog was by my side through an abusive relationship” crap…well sure, it’s a dog. It doesn’t get a choice where it is or isn’t does it?

You literally said you miss the times at your parents when everyone was there cos it was more enjoyable now your saying they are stuffy he is dictatorial. And you don't wanna see them anyway. Then be the big girl amd be honest you stopped seeing them cos it was easier amd you didn't want to any way. Now you are trying to blame their hurt on theur actions they made a request you said no and jigged off to the fun family. Your mum has a right to be hurt you talk awfully about them

But more reasonable not to want a baby near my dog!

You definitely don't owe them equal time but tbh you sound like a teenager having a tantrum.
Get over the whole dog thing, most people dont want dogs around their children. I have a dog and a baby, so does my best friend but when we visit we keep the dogs locked away from the babies because babies are more important. You are choosing to step away from family life, they arent freezing you out. A human niece or nephew should take more of a priority than a dog and I'm sire your brother and his wife are really quite offended about that.

I feel like your family cant win and you are in fact choosing to freeze yourself out. Have you had any counselling after your abusive relationship because you seem extremely invested in new partner and his family, to the detriment of your own including a new baby?
You cba with your parents because they are a bit boring and stuffy- what age are you 16? Most parents get a bit like this as they age but we love and value them not want to ignore them because they arent as fun as your new boyfriends family.
And you're.refusing to see brother, his wife and baby unless you get to dictate that your dog comes, again another silly excuse. You are choosing to keep your own family at a distance and if that's what you want then fine but make sure it's coming from a real place, not just that you have a new BF and he has a more fun family cause it all sounds like it could easily blow up in your face.

You sound like the drama llama sibling who wants her dog to have equal billing to your brothers child.

your story is inconsistent probably because you want everyone to tell you how nasty they are and that you are right.

on its own - your mother complaining about how much time you spend with your in laws
however taking a step back and looking at the bigger issue you need to re look at your life regarding the dog. I am a huge dog lover I have three dogs. they sleep with me have their own car seats walked every day and have been in holidays with us. however I do not stop life completely for them. They are left on their own some days and have a minder stay with them when we have to go away. life doesn't not revolve around a dog. life has to go on. there are times that the dog won't be able to go with you. doctors appointment dentists(should be seeing a dentist once a year) weddings funerals etc. lots or places where the dog can't go with you. you do not know what life is going to bring. you could be in car crash tomorrow and be in hospital for three months.
and I would say this to a person who can't go anywhere with out a child too. you are a person and need to live life like that person. and I say that as a huge dog lover. life is short you don't know what it's going to bring. you have done well to get out of your relationship and get over that part. I would advise maybe some therapy to stop this co dependancy