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Original poster

Stepchildren and uni costs

211 replies

Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 09:47

The other day my DSS came in catasrophising that he wouldn't be able to afford uni.

His maths show him his loan will only cover (he'll get the second highest amount) his rent and maybe some extra bits, but that realistically it will.mostly go on rent.

Then I told him that what his DF gives his DM as maintenance would go straight to him, so that would help too. He still was panicking about it. I then said we'd help with something like the grocery shopping (I'm thinking £150 a month, which to me seems ok, considering I only spend £500 for a "modular" family of 6).
So ultimately his "luxuries" would have to come from any sort of job he can get while at uni.

He was a bit more chilled after the convo, but I'm concerned he think we'll "rescue" him, which we 100% don't plan to. DH is with me on this, but I think all of his parental figure is need to sit down with him and explain it to him, but my DH thinks that's not needed and overkill.

For context, we make more than double than his DM and step dad, we go on holidays abroad, etc .. So he might hunk we can "afford" more, but we still have other 3 DC to support one way or the other.

So I guess is our approach unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bleeky · 19/03/2025 08:34

He really needs to thank you.

Original poster
Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 22:21

SmokeRingsOfMyMind · 18/03/2025 20:58

It sounds as though the OP will provide her own daughter with this level of support, but not her stepchildren.

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The reality is that I can't affor that level for all children, which is why I make the separation of what I afford Vs what my DH can afford. I/We are still subsidising what my DH can afford.

Plus my DD doesn't get the same level of loans because of how much her dad and I make.

OP posts:
Motheranddaughter · 18/03/2025 21:25

I was skint at University and didn’t want that for my DC

theallotmentqueen · 18/03/2025 21:16

I do think that the job of a parent is to PARENT. It's not like as soon as they turn 18 they're being parasites if they ask for financial help, as some commenters seem to suggest. Obviously it's one thing if you can't afford to help him out, I think that's fair. I had a job at uni. However, I think it's a whole other kettle of fish if you can afford to help, but just don't want to - unfortunately parental responsibility doesn't disappear as soon as the kid hits 18. I actually don't think it's the best idea to make your kid get a job in uni unless you really have to. If he's doing the work properly (and wants to get a first), the coursework and lectures should take the same amount of time as a full-time job, and he should treat it as such.

SmokeRingsOfMyMind · 18/03/2025 20:58

Flossflower · 18/03/2025 18:17

Yes education was a top priority in our house too and we started to save for uni when they were fairly young. I am very glad that we could support them fully and that they did not have to work. They both did courses that required long hours studying. It has paid off.

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It sounds as though the OP will provide her own daughter with this level of support, but not her stepchildren.

caringcarer · 18/03/2025 20:54

Another great thing to do is to teach DC how to cook some cheap meals. I've shown foster son how to make a cheap vegetable soup. He can make an omelette. He can make a spaghetti Bolognese. He can cook salmon in emon juice with baby boiled potatoes and frozen mixed veg. I've also explained to him to cook 2 chicken breast at once in the air fryer. He can have one chopped up with pasta in a blitzed up tomato sauce then the other one with a salad the following day.

Original poster
Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 20:38

SeaSwim5 · 18/03/2025 20:35

He will be struggle to get accommodation then unless his dad is willing to be a guarantor.

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Well it would be the same if I did it (joint home). His maternal grandad can do it. Although maybe my hands will be tied in that regard as his DM doesn't own their home

OP posts:
SeaSwim5 · 18/03/2025 20:35

Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 20:07

Definitely don't plan to!

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He will be struggle to get accommodation then unless his dad is willing to be a guarantor.

Original poster
Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 20:07

PinkFrogss · 18/03/2025 18:06

If you really think he’s going to expect you to bail him out make sure you’re not his guarantor for private rent in 2nd/3rd year.

Definitely don't plan to!

OP posts:
Flossflower · 18/03/2025 18:17

SeaSwim5 · 18/03/2025 17:37

The point I’d make about ‘he needs to get a job’ is it very much depends on which uni he is at and what course he’s doing.

If he’s doing English at Leeds Met, he may find he only has a few hours of classes a week (in which case, he has plenty of time to work). However, that won’t be easy if he’s studying medicine or law at Durham as he will have lots of contact time and also reading to do.

I appreciate families have different circumstances, but education is a top priority in my house and I wouldn’t be desperate for a teen doing an intensive course to work in addition to that.

Uni is the culmination of a DC’s education and also a fantastic opportunity for them to try different experiences alongside studying. IMO it is part of a parent’s role to provide (reasonable) support for them to do that. We have deliberately chosen not to have more DC as we want to ensure we can help the two we do have.

Yes education was a top priority in our house too and we started to save for uni when they were fairly young. I am very glad that we could support them fully and that they did not have to work. They both did courses that required long hours studying. It has paid off.

PinkFrogss · 18/03/2025 18:06

If you really think he’s going to expect you to bail him out make sure you’re not his guarantor for private rent in 2nd/3rd year.

Original poster
Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 17:47

SeaSwim5 · 18/03/2025 17:37

The point I’d make about ‘he needs to get a job’ is it very much depends on which uni he is at and what course he’s doing.

If he’s doing English at Leeds Met, he may find he only has a few hours of classes a week (in which case, he has plenty of time to work). However, that won’t be easy if he’s studying medicine or law at Durham as he will have lots of contact time and also reading to do.

I appreciate families have different circumstances, but education is a top priority in my house and I wouldn’t be desperate for a teen doing an intensive course to work in addition to that.

Uni is the culmination of a DC’s education and also a fantastic opportunity for them to try different experiences alongside studying. IMO it is part of a parent’s role to provide (reasonable) support for them to do that. We have deliberately chosen not to have more DC as we want to ensure we can help the two we do have.

Yes, but I "inherited" so to speak the other DC.

I don't think their parents when they had them even remotely considered if they would go to uni (and if they could afford it).

Things have dramatically changed and I even consider him "my son" academically speaking. He could even go to Oxbridge if were to resit maths GCSE but alas he doesn't want to, so instead he's aiming for a good BA/BSc and then go for the master's.

I've even promised him that if he studies a PhD I'll get one at the same time as moral support. (It's in fact a goal of mine, so it's a win-win situation there).

So I feel like I have a moral commitment to him, but not his sister, which does make things unfair, and that's when I start to question things.

OP posts:
crackashark · 18/03/2025 17:43

Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 16:40

Exactly, he seems naive about the costs of the real world.

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Is he naive, or just assuming you’ll pay for it?

If you treat all the children the same, will your DD be getting a car if she wants one?

SeaSwim5 · 18/03/2025 17:37

The point I’d make about ‘he needs to get a job’ is it very much depends on which uni he is at and what course he’s doing.

If he’s doing English at Leeds Met, he may find he only has a few hours of classes a week (in which case, he has plenty of time to work). However, that won’t be easy if he’s studying medicine or law at Durham as he will have lots of contact time and also reading to do.

I appreciate families have different circumstances, but education is a top priority in my house and I wouldn’t be desperate for a teen doing an intensive course to work in addition to that.

Uni is the culmination of a DC’s education and also a fantastic opportunity for them to try different experiences alongside studying. IMO it is part of a parent’s role to provide (reasonable) support for them to do that. We have deliberately chosen not to have more DC as we want to ensure we can help the two we do have.

Cakeandusername · 18/03/2025 16:53

To be fair at 17 they need a lot of guidance.
Mine had initial thoughts she’d apply to London universities. We went to some open days where accommodation tables with prices were put on screen and I pointed out things like the fancy coffee I’d paid for wouldn’t be in her budget. She quickly realised and is now happily studying in another large city.
Worth checking what scholarships might be eligible for too, they vary by university. Some give for academic achievements etc.

Original poster
Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 16:40

Cakeandusername · 18/03/2025 16:36

Assuming he’ll be able to afford a car seems very naive? My dc worked pt in sixth form and the lads at work were paying £3000 plus in insurance in own car yr1 alone.
Definitely time for a conversation about how finances will work at uni.

Exactly, he seems naive about the costs of the real world.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 16:40

Cakeandusername · 18/03/2025 16:36

Assuming he’ll be able to afford a car seems very naive? My dc worked pt in sixth form and the lads at work were paying £3000 plus in insurance in own car yr1 alone.
Definitely time for a conversation about how finances will work at uni.

Exactly, he seems naive about the costs of the real world.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 16:40

Cakeandusername · 18/03/2025 16:36

Assuming he’ll be able to afford a car seems very naive? My dc worked pt in sixth form and the lads at work were paying £3000 plus in insurance in own car yr1 alone.
Definitely time for a conversation about how finances will work at uni.

Exactly, he seems naive about the costs of the real world.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 16:40

Cakeandusername · 18/03/2025 16:36

Assuming he’ll be able to afford a car seems very naive? My dc worked pt in sixth form and the lads at work were paying £3000 plus in insurance in own car yr1 alone.
Definitely time for a conversation about how finances will work at uni.

Exactly, he seems naive about the costs of the real world.

OP posts:
Newmeagain · 18/03/2025 16:38

RuthW · 18/03/2025 12:06

Of course he will have to work. All students do.

Some students can’t work because their courses are very demanding and contact hour heavy.

SandyY2K · 18/03/2025 16:38

Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 10:40

We have told him a few times that he should get a job, but he's always dreaming about his dream job (working at a cafe at times that suit). I'm of the idea that should live in the uni halls, as it's cheaper and a nice experience (it was for me at least).

The CM money would go to him the months he's at uni at back to his DM when he's at home.

He's not the first in his family to go to uni (on his DFs side he's the first generation that go), his DM didn't go, but his grandad did, so it's a bit of a bigger deal to him.

Uni halls aren't generally cheaper. They're more expensive.

It's good to do for the first year, then find accommodation outside the university.

Cakeandusername · 18/03/2025 16:36

Assuming he’ll be able to afford a car seems very naive? My dc worked pt in sixth form and the lads at work were paying £3000 plus in insurance in own car yr1 alone.
Definitely time for a conversation about how finances will work at uni.

Original poster
Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 16:32

crackashark · 18/03/2025 16:18

The problem isn’t your SS, it’s your husband who seems to also be assuming you’re happy to finance his kids indefinitely. Children learnt what they’re taught and expect what they’re used to getting.

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I don't thni they're entitled, but also I have no real clue of what are their real day to day expectations.

All DC are treated the same, but at the same time it has never been in question if my DD can afford uni or not.

I think it's fairly normal for the DC to think that the status quo is the same for all them, especially considering I've been in their lives for the past 8+ years.

OP posts:
wherewasoldmcdonalsdfarm · 18/03/2025 16:24

He could do what I did as my parents didn’t have a penny to give me and my course was full on and full time. I worked and saved throughout 6th form and then took two years out and worked and saved a full time wage and then went to uni

crackashark · 18/03/2025 16:18

Soootired23 · 18/03/2025 15:53

Maybe, but he thinks he'll have his OWN car (no idea how).

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The problem isn’t your SS, it’s your husband who seems to also be assuming you’re happy to finance his kids indefinitely. Children learnt what they’re taught and expect what they’re used to getting.