Children not in her care

Maybe he is trying to protect her. Many in your position would be sat with their pitchforks, creating numerous posts on social media attacking and outing her by now on just the minimal information you have been provided, because that is the world we live in now.

how do you know she has lost custody of her children?

she doesn't have her 3 children in her care full time

It all depends on what this actually means... i.e. does she simply share custody 50/50 with her ex? It sounds as though she cares for her children unsupervised (AKA no concerns about her capability). It also sounds as though your ex is minimising/playing down the amount of contact your children have with her/her children (in which case, it probably hasn't occurred to him that his narrative would ring alarm bells). I don't necessarily think you should leap to conclusions without asking further questions (which you should absolutely do... it's important to have trust in all of the adults who care for your children).

If there was a problem with her fitness as a parent, sure SS would remove her children, not just take them away for part of the week and not the rest? It sounds like what you have described, they are with their other parent. That’s completely normal. By that definition, you also don’t have your children living with you full time. Surely, she must have them more than your ex has your son, so of the two of them, she certainly sounds more competent. Please don’t punish your son just because he’s moved on unless you have reason to believe she is a risk.

Isn’t the most obvious answer that she doesn’t have her children full time because the father of her children also has access to them part of the time?

If she has unsupervised contact with her children then even if there was social services involvement in the past, they clearly believe that she is capable of caring for her children now.

It sounds to me like he’s lying about small things to you because he doesn’t want you involved in this new relationship. He doesn’t want you sharing details of his past with her, so why would he want you to meet her, know her name, know her circumstances etc. He’s probably told her that you’re a crazy ex and not to listen to anything you tell her!

How do you know they’re in care and not shared custody with their dad?

Exactly. They may be with their other parent for any reason.

This is a very unpopular opinion on MN, but I agree with you. Men are PERFECT and then suddenly change overnight when you’re knee-deep in shit with children.

I guess no one likes admitting they just ignore all of the red flags. Trust me, the majority of women posting in groups like ‘are we dating the same guy’ willingly enter into relationships which shitty men and have their kids, even when commenters are trying to warn them.

Maybe because he didn’t want you to go snooping her profile online and digging for more info? Not saying you’re wrong to do that; but it’s a reason he would lie

This exactly.

Also, however frustrating it is he is your child’s father. He doesn’t have to introduce you to his partner first. That would be nice of course but you really don’t get a say. The other parent has decided this person is safe, so unless you have a reason to believe she isn’t (and not having 24/7 custody is not on its own a reason) you can’t stop her being there when he has his child.

If she has some unsupervised contact with her own children then I wouldn't necessarily be concerned that she's unsafe for your son to be around. However you could contact Children's Services if you are concerned. Are the children living with their other parent or with a different relative or foster carer?

@Mummaonherown Of course your concerns are valid and in your position I would need more information as you do need to risk assess if your son is safe and will be protected from any harm, whether that's by her, your ex or another party.

However there could be a number of reasons that she doesn't have custody of her children that doesn't mean she is a secret Rose West (or similar). She could have failed to protect her children from a DA relationship, she may have had to flee without them, the dad may be difficult and applied for full residency, or she may have issues with her mental health that have made her unpredictable around her children at times, etc. None of those examples make her a saint, but they also won't make her the devil. It is often stigma and reactions like this that SS involvement and removal are kept a secret as it is shameful. I accept the majority of people among us who have been in this situation are for significant concerns but it's not the case for everyone.

If she has her children some of the time unsupervised then she's obviously not considered a risk. It might be 50/50 or close to that, or their father might have them more because he has a less busy job, or lives closer to their school. It's pretty backward to assume that mothers always have majority care unless they are monsters.

So she still is allowed regular contact with her children unsupervised? That's a lot less worrying

Look you don't know what "not in her care" means and because of that you're worried about the safety of your DC when they're with her. You can't trust your ex to be truthful.

Your only option is to phone social services and explain your concerns. Although there's a limit to what they can tell you, they have a duty to safeguard your DC if they know anything about her that is a concern.

I'm a little confused. They all went swimming het children to. You said your son does not know her real name. So when he's calling her sue instead of Sarah. Do her kids not say that's not her name?

Coukd the kids not being in get full time care be due to an agreement they have ? And mot a social services issue. Although all the lying seens very odd . So could be reasons to be concerned.

Tell him he needs to be completely transparent with you or you could contact social services and see if they can offer some support?

She may have her children living with another parent or relative by choice. She may have had them took off her. The name thing would worry more. Has she been caught up in trouble and thats why she doesn't have the children full time, was she classed as a risk to them, has she had them took off her because she put them in danger. I would want answers before my children went back there.

I suspect it's his GF's choice not to have her children or they don't want to live with her. It's quite difficult to take away a mother's right to look after her children and if so I doubt she'd be able to have them unsupervised.
I'm guessing she's just a crap parent. So your child probably isn't at risk as such but may not be cared for appropriately whilst in your ex's care with this woman. The secretiveness could also be to do with benefit fraud if she's pretending she doesn't have a partner.

He has lied to you a lot already. Could “not in her care 24/7” simply mean that the children are with their father for their agreed custody