Children not in her care

Tbh if he has a colourful past he is scared of her finding out I would simply say that you will tell her if he doesn't tell you what is going on.

I'd also get a child arrangement order as for 2 days a month no judge is going to stop you taking him abroad on holiday even if there is another man involved! He sounds very controlling. Get the child order and cms sorted and zap some of his power.

I hadn't thought of that. Thanks.

The problem I see though is that the ex has already lied more than once about this GF. Since that wasn't his pattern with his other girlfriend, it doesn't seem likely that it's only because he doesn't want the OP to have information she can use to make trouble or other plausible, non-nefarious reason.

He's lied about her identity and he's lied about her having children at all. When dealing with a liar, nothing can be believed. For example, that means we do not actually know that the GF is allowed unsupervised contact with her children.

Maybe she was just babysitting someone else's kids and told them to call her "Mum" for the day, to back up the other weird lies. Or anything else. You can't trust a liar. OP has cause to be concerned here. She needs to protect her child and get to the bottom of this, not assume anything. In my opinion.

I’d expect abusers to only see their kids at contact centres.

“Not in her care” is too vague to comment on. Sometimes kids live with dad or grandparents and that’s for the best. M

Your ex lying is a a reflection on his personality- he’s just not a truthful person who doesn’t want to be honest with you as a fuck you.

In OP’s original post she said she asked her ex why he was able to be in the pub with his gf and he said “she does not have the kids full time”

To blow that into she’s somehow lost custody entirely and would not be safe around OP’s child is a severe dramatic overreaction.

The woman has unsupervised contact with her DC. That would not be allowed in the UK if she had lost custody because she had abused them - she would then only have contact in a designated place with social services in attendance. OP is trying to control who her ex goes out with as well as contact with DS. She needs to be careful he does not accuse her of harassment. He needs to stop interfering in her relationships too, btw, and should not have objected to Dublin trip.

eta I know quite a few parents who share custody 50:50 and one father who is primary carer for no other reason than DC's school & parent's work logistics. Nothing sinister, mum is still a good mum but has them 2.5 days a week and dad has them 4.5 days a week because it was agreed to be in the best interests of the children.

I shudder to think of a four-year-old at a swimming pool with a possibly untrustworthy adult.

But, if you have the ability to say no more overnight visits until/unless his lies about his GF are checked out, then would you be able to say no more unsupervised visits at all until/unless his lies about his GF are checked out? Especially considering that he denied you taking your child to Dublin when his concerns were unfounded and no man was even involved?

If there is something nefarious going on here, then he might not fight this and might just come visit your child at your home when you're there, and leave his suspiciously anonymous GF at home.

However, I would also be very careful not to do anything that might backfire with the courts. So what you probably need here is to consult with an attorney. Find out your rights etc. from someone who knows them with certainty. I think you are right to be concerned. Lying is not a good sign, especially when it differs with how your ex was about his previous girlfriend. Good luck with it.

Whilst your ex does indeed sound like a lying scumbag, nothing in your post suggests his girfriend has lost custody of her children just she doesn't have them full time which I would assume meant, they are with their father some of the time. Unless you've missed out a vital piece of information this seems quite a jump from she share custody to she's not safe to be around her children (& therefore yours too).

Women who leave their children get huge stick whilst men who do the same get little. There may be reasons why OP's ex's GF doesn't have her DC full-time and they don't have to be because she was abusive of them. In fact, since she has them some week-ends and is unsupervised with them suggests that there is no issue other than that the parenting arrangements are not what OP - and a lot of judgemental people on here - approve of.
OP should keep out of her ex's love life. It's a massive red flag that she doesn't.

But if this woman still has unsupervised contact with her children she clearly isn’t considered a danger to them. Just because she doesn’t have them full time does not indicate any wrong doing, some children actually do have fathers involved and sharing custody.

It doesn't take that much to lose full-custody of DC. 1) you can choose 50/50 co-parenting. 2) Ex-partner can be an arse and be awkward about visiting rights if the mother is the one who has left the relationship and has nowhere suitable for DC to live, so cannot have full-custody. 3) Ex-partner can have lied in court re custody and visiting so that no legal provision has been made for either contact or finances - at which point the mother needs to go back to court, of course.

All three of these affected me - and I opted for 1), 50/50, once I got to court because of 3) - I could easily have got full-custody but was pretty sure DC would be unhappy. No abuse of DC involved at all.
And those are as likely scenarios as abuse of her DC by your ex's new GF. And it's not your ex's GF's responsibility to look after your DC, it's his when they are in his care. Point this out to him.

You can do a Claire's law though if she's a danger to children.

Maybe he was afraid you would google her name/home town and find a news article about her, or incase you asked someone did they know her. Or maybe he didnt want you ringing social services so hid her real name to prevent you finding anything out.

The lying means he doesn't want you knowing something about her which is a red flag 🚩

The fact she doesn't have her kids in her custody full time (I'm guessing she has visitation) is also a red flag when paired with him lying about her identity.

I wouldn't be sending my children until I found out if there was a reason to be concerned.

This shows he has poor boundaries where you are concerned. Which is why he would be concealing a relationship. He thinks you are and he has “issues” with that. Stands to reason he would assume you have issues with his relationship. He is projecting and it is bouncing back. And you are responding in kind by probing him about his relationships.

If you are worried about her, check her out. But my advice would be to stop asking him about his love life. You really don’t have that type of co parenting relationship and you are setting yourself up to let him intrude on your relationships.

It sounds to me like you're struggling with lack of control over the situation. Searching for her number, social media etc really isn't a good idea. He could well accuse you of harassment if it becomes apparent you are doing these things.

I found it hard when my abusive ex got a partner who spent lots of time with the kids and I never met. But ultimately I felt it was a good thing because it would likely help mitigate some of the issues with their Dad.

Someone who is taking the kids swimming etc could be a really positive thing. The comments about her not having full care of her kids seem to have been taken totally out of context

Pregnancy is the point at which DV is most likely to start. It's common for things to be fine until children are involved.

And there it is.
This is why he didn't tell you

it might be that their father is the resident parent and she does alternate weekends

My SD (aged 40) does not have her daughter, T, full time. After she split with her partner he went to marry another lady and had 2 further children. T loves to be with her half siblings and things have just evolved where she spends the majority of her time with her Dad, step mum and half siblings.

my SD gets her for holidays and it all works out well for them. Unusual? Maybe but nothing suspicious about it all. That’s life these days

Tbh OP, reading your posts it sounds like he's lied to you because you can't keep yourself out of his life other than necessary. You need to let go of him. He's moved on

If she was a danger to children, she would only be allowed to see hers in a contact centre under supervision.

Some women don't get them taken away, some give then up because they can't cope full time. It happens.

Amazing how men can get away with being a part time parent and nobody blinks, but a woman....