Someone called the bloody police on me

A question Op, do your immediate neighbours know your child is SEN and is prone to having meltdowns?

I know it’s none of their business and you’re not obliged to tell anyone anything.

but it does sometimes help…
I live next door to a family with 2 austisitc daughters. One was completely on verbal. At times, especially when they were younger, there were a lot of screams. but neighbours made a point of speaking to me about dc condition so I was aware of what noise was. They’re very open, and 5years later lovely neighbours with lovely daughters that have come on leaps and bounds. Because they were so open, and I witnessed melt downs and could see how parents handled it, I never have had concerns . Actually they deserve bloody medals. I can cope with odd bit of screaming, I know it will be short lived, I know what is happening.

If your neighbours don’t know, they’ll be two drivers. They won’t know what screaming is caused by, and worry, and just as critically, they won’t know how long it will likely go on for and how frequently it will happen. There’s a noise nuisance factor playing out here too, as well as the concern level they can call police for.

By knowing this is behaviour issue, that you do have tools and tactics to manage , they can be reassured that they’re not living near a “neighbour form hell” with a permenant noise nuisance.

if it is your direct neighbours, also think about where you take your child when having a melt down, if you have one party wall, see if you can create a “safe” area on other side of house where less noise can be heard? Appreciate might not be possible.

talk to them. Engage with them. Most people once they know what you are both dealing with (you and your dc) will be empathetic.

If only a neighbour had done this for Sara Shariff.

There were siblings with SEN in her home too but an unannounced police check might have been enough to save her.

Don't be embarrassed OP you've done nothing wrong but it was right for a neighbour to want to check everything is OK.

I'm also a parent to a SEN child. I understand what it's like. When we needed to use the nit comb on my DD's hair I ended up closing all the windows and waiting for the doorbell to ring with the police at my door. The screaming level was epic. Murder could have been taking place. I'm sure the police understand and were reassured your son was fine.

Sympathy OP. My son has SEN and has frequent outbursts/meltdowns. This morning before school I was hit because I said he needed to stop playing a game and get dressed. 🤷‍♀️

I do totally get the need to check though, people won’t know the context outside of the house. It is very upsetting though. I’m waiting for it to happen to us tbh. DS is very loud and flies off the handle at the smallest of things.

He was screaming ‘get off me’.
Sorry if you heard a child screaming that would you not be concerned? The neighbor had to act as a safeguarding duty.
Maybe good can come out of this and you can offered help to cope with your son’s difficult behaviour (which is not his fault or yours)

Your child was screaming and it could be heard by neighbours who called the police as they were concerned.

How are they to know or understand about your child's meltdowns?

They called with the best of intentions. I probably would if I heard sustained shouting/screaming from a neighbour’s house.

Sorry your son was upset.

So parents with SEN children can abuse them but people shouldn't call the police incase the parents get upset?

How would neighbours know any difference? Shouldn't people be looking out for children and not parents 'sensitivities'?

No wonder why some abuse gets ignored

I did this once, my brother and I are were out in our garden late night and heard loud upset screaming repeatedly, the person sounded really distressed. We knew which cul-de-sac sac it was on but not which house. We called Police, they updated that it had been a child with SEND who was struggling to regulate. I don't regret doing it though as it may not have been and rather a wrong call out then someone in genuine distress isn't protected.

Not to want to cause alarm to the OP but suggesting people don't call when concerned because they know the child has SEN could lead to abuse being missed. I think any concern for welfare should be checked and not ignored as 'oh that's just so and so having a meltdown' as by doing so abuse could go undetected. In safeguarding you need to be aware of all circumstances.

To the op, I think you have been given a lot of support and I don't want to repeat what has already been said. You mention your child is now scared of the police so my suggestion is to contact your local police station and see if they can organise a police officer or PCSO to visit your son or for you to visit them to show him that they are there to help people, not to scare them. The police have tried to move away from the idea that they will 'lock people up' or be used by parents as a threat 'the policeman is watching you' and do a lot of community events to interact with children.
I hope that you are feeling a bit better this morning about the situation.

If the neighbour’s posted on mumsnet - I can hear my neighbours kid screaming, sounds like the need help, WWYD.
What would we all tell them?

Don't get too hung up on the wording. I won't go into too much detail but I once had to.call the police about an incident and advised someone was "calling for help" what they actually said was more along the lines of "get off me you fucking prick" and a lot of other expletives had it been necessary for any investigation I would have told the police that but it wasn't necessary to tell the police that in order to get them to come out so I paraphrased.

Could’ve been someone walking past the house, not necessarily a neighbour.
I would say, imagine if you had fallen down the stairs or something and were unconscious and a neighbour/passer by didn’t respond to calls from a child.

Unfortunately it doesn’t result in any extra help although the school are informed so I guess in your case at least the school would then be aware.

It might not be someone saying he cried 'Help' it may be that they said it sounded like he needed help.

Children are hurt and killed every day and often, after the fact, neighbours say they heard something.

James Bulger's killers interacted with about 20 adults.

Be glad there are people in the world who hear a child who is distressed and make that call. Your child is safe, not all children are.

Sometimes I wish our neighbours would call the police when my teenager is having a meltdown. The meltdowns can last for up to two hours, and are exhausting for us. It doesn’t happen anywhere else, just in the house, and the neighbours through the wall are probably the only witnesses because she is lovely at school and everywhere else.

Any support for her and the family is minimal. She will probably age out of the camhs waiting list. So if the police turned up I would know that somebody official knew, and that might kickstart the support that no-one thinks she needs.

Do the callers get updated that police have checked and it's not what they presumed?

Just wondering because if they aren't aware the situation has been checked and police satisfied, they may call again, whereas if they then know its a child with SEN and they have professional support already then police won't be called out every time?

OP i sympathise, I have been waiting for a knock at my door. My toddler has a developmental delay and is under investigation. Under paediatrics, complex needs support, physio etc. We get periods of intense meltdowns which feel like it's 24 hours a day. Last summer we had people gathering outside her window chatting about her distress during a meltdown, I was certain someone would call very surprised they didn't..but either way I think its only a matter of time before we get a visit especially she gets older and the needs become more apparent. Our immediate neighbours are aware as I often apologise for challenging periods (whole of Xmas was hell)
Although I understand people reporting with good intentions, unfortunately as exhausted, stressed parents it just feels like another issue and assumption you have to deal with among the ever growing list. For a while the fear of judgement impacted me very negatively, the more desperate I became to control her condition to stop strangers and neighbours assumptions, the worse her meltdowns became. As I would rush her de-escalation, or the anxiety to make her expression of overwhelm quiet made us all worse. Now I just try and shut everything off to focus soley on her and the moment.
Some days it feels like a really crap end of the stick and your dawned of you do dawned if you don't.

We had the police called before similar situation, police have been lovely but obviously only deal with the immediate situation. Police said you us “I can see you are doing all the right things it’s obvious you just need support”. Social services aren’t interested though once they establish the child isn’t at risk, it doesn’t matter if parent at risk from child meltdowns

I'm so sorry you went through that op. My 4yo has autism and he can be violent during a meltdown, will scream and hit, kick and is very loud. I'm always worried about what the neighbours think and I also worry about what DS says in school because he has a very over active imagination - yesterday he told me that all of his classmates picked up the teachers and put them in the bin. Last week aliens visited school.

I honestly wouldn’t worry, social services will ring but will have dealt with cases like this thousands of times and even if your child was yelling help what does it matter? They weren’t actually in need of help but reacting in the situation……I think most people with kids have been there and had outbursts or heard outbursts of neighbours kids……..we live next door to an autistic kid and he’s always having screaming fits or banging walls, honestly don’t even worry, social services would only support you anyway if you felt you needed help if not tell them you’re absolutely fine without, don’t panic we’ve all been there x

Sounds like your son is still quite young. In a few years time you might be grateful for that phonecall.
I hope you can get some help with his meltdowns before he's too big to restrain.
Your neighbours did the right thing, they can't see through walls and they heard a child in distress.

I am sorry you feel bad OP, but at the end of the day if a neighbour hears a kid screaming "Get off me" and they have no prior knowledge or other context, they should call the police.

You should help your son not be afraid of the Police.
Help him to understand that if he, or anyone, heard a small child shouting - Get off me, No, get off! - most people would hear it as a call for help.
Calling the Police is great because what if a robber was stealing your TV and your money and holding children down?

It ishard for you. Good luck with the ramifications. And every good wish for you, your son and his behaviour issues.

Thank the Police and give them permission to report back to the informer about what exactly they found and how it is being handled. This will give the informer some perspective of your situation and new information that they can use if they hear shouting again..
Maybe your son could make biscuits and give them a gift. It is very noble and neighbourly of them to watch out for kids.

This sounds so difficult OP, I would feel the same as you. Horrible not knowing who did this, even if their intentions were good.

I watched a recent documentary about mothers dealing with violent meltdowns from their SEN children - it was such an eye opener and absolutely heartbreaking. Nothing but admiration for anyone who has to deal with this day in and day out, it must be so exhausting and soul-destroying. The last thing you needed was a police visit!

As others have said, try to remember that it was no doubt done for the right reasons - and the ‘help’ bit was possibly miscommunicated. And remember that you are doing an amazing job in circumstances that most people have absolutely no idea about.

So if you know a child has additional needs, you shouldn't intervene if you hear them screaming for help?