To think you don’t do someone a favour and then charge them?

I can see why OP asked how much she owes her I’d she said they went out for the day and her daughter comes to the door holding a brand new teddy bear!

To not comment on this would have made OP appear a pretty entitled CF. She obviously didn’t agree to the details of the day out but even offering to pay for food or an activity they would have done during the time they were away was the right thing to do, particularly someone who isn’t directly connected with her and her child (mother of friend/neighbour) who agreed to the responsibility to help her/the friend out. It was landed on this woman last minute and she probably didn’t have a home suitable to accommodate two 5 year old girls to play in all day - one of which she presumably didn’t even know. It made sense to take them out, but she obviously should have chosen low key, inexpensive activities to occupy them all day.

On the other hand, why should she have been expected to work out a timetable for such activities when she had this dropped on her at such short notice? She may have felt it was nice for the girl to have a special treat if she was worried about her brother being in hospital (or in general about his health) - but if she thought this she should have cleared it with OP or been prepared to pay for it herself, it was wrong to presume OP would pay for something special and expensive that she chose to do out the blue.

I can see it from both sides but the bill isn’t outlandish when you consider what she paid for to entertain your daughter, OP. She shouldn’t have decided/agreed to such an activity (perhaps the girls were begging her to go in during a shopping centre visit and she found it awkward to say no), but as she agreed to dig you out of a hole you should definitely pay up, especially as you offered.

Who knows, she may not have asked you, but I’m sure she felt extremely grateful you broached the subject first and it will avoid any awkwardness between her and her daughter at being out of pocket for essentially doing her (you) a favour.

Definitely!

Give the teddy back out of principle and give her money for food and transport etc. That’s ridiculous asking for £70. Hope your son is ok.x

This is heading straight for the tabloids isn’t it?

You know what, it a majorly crossed wires and she shouldn't have charged you!! - but your kiddo had an amazing time, she has a lovely present as a memory that will no doubt be played with a lot, the grandma's intentions were (cackhanded but) good and you kept a vital hospital appointment - many good outcomes here - so all in all I'd pay and move on.

As she is a grandparent it might be that this is the norm (to treat her grandchild when she takes her out) and she got a bit carried away. Perhaps her granddaughter was also showing off a bit to her friend (‘Look how fun my Grandma is!) and she wanted the girls to have a good time.

However your daughter was safe, cared-for, enjoyed herself and all at short notice so that you could make an important hospital appointment. So surely a good outcome overall? You would probably have paid £15 - £20 per hour for a short-notice nanny, plus any expenses.

I would just pay Op tbh
However, I do think that the Grandmother was wrong to have taken your dd to build a bear without speaking to you first
What would happen if you couldn’t afford to pay for the bear?
I don’t think that you were wrong to ask what was owed given that your dd was fed, watered and had a bear . I am sure that she enjoyed herself

As others have said, just chalk it up to experience .

My mother used to do this she would beg to see the dc buy them stuff but never cleared it first then gave me receipts !!!! After a while I ignored it made it clear to stop spending on them like that and the receipts built up then she started threatening small claims court !!! We don’t see her anymore she keeps telling people I stole from her !!

Yes, this. Not to mention ethical concerns about wasteful claptrap like these bears.

I hope it’s not a used/old one being palmed off on you.

Ask for the receipt, say “Actually I’ll need to return the bear to
the shop as it’s quite out of our budget,” and see what she says.

You said yourself you would have had to cancel the hospital appointment if this lady hadn’t stepped in.

If you never want to use her or your friends babysitting services again don’t pay.

If you want to keep your friendship and a convenient emergency babysitting back up option, pay.

I personally would pay and I do pay fairly for ‘favours’ my neighbours do for me.

My parents won’t pay for anything to do with their house or garden and it makes others reluctant to help them as even when their children are willing to help for free it has got into such a state it is a major job instead of a maintenance one (these are the same parents that did no maintenance for their own elderly parents too and expected them to pay for gardeners etc but they themselves won’t). The result is I won’t help as much now because I am getting too old and I myself pay others to do the really heavy work around my own house.

I even paid my mother to look after my child and do some light cleaning (when he was a a baby and I needed a break as DH worked away) because it was the fair thing to do in my mind.

Nobody actually ever says ‘Oh, you owe this’. They usually wave their hand to swat you away

Only applies to your own mother or grandmother!

Who takes a child you don’t know to build a bear and buys them a teddy! She freely spent your money not knowing if you would pay or had the funds to pay - it’s bloody cheeky move!

But why did you offer to pay her??

I would pay since the money has been spent and they did do you a favour but I wouldn't accept childcare/playdates from them again

The grandmother should not have given the girls free reign in build a bear.

Even if she had promised her granddaughter a trip there, she should have changed that plan when she offered to take your daughter, or clear it with you before hand.

Same as the soft play and food...you should have had a heads up so you could decide if you wanted to spend the money or take your daughter to the hospital with you (not fun for your daughter and a pain for you but wouldnt have cost you £70!)

You should have been told upfront what the day was likely to cost then you could decide if you wanted to pay it. Or the day should have been made cheaper by grandmother so you weren't stung with £70 at the end of it.

I dunno if I would pay it yet. Speak to your friend first and see what she thinks. I think it’s madness tbh. Such a pricey day out for a 5 year old that the woman didn’t even know.
If you do end up paying it’s an expensive lesson learnt. Bring your dd next time or try and get appointments when she’s at school.

You asked.
Next time send your child with an envelope with 50 pounds saying - Thank you and for any expenses you incur.
Then the friend can choose food and activities within a budget.

I think it’s right that the woman is reimbursed for her costs.

I think it’s unreasonable that she spent so much without agreeing it first. What if your budget couldn’t extend to a lavish day out?

I’d just pay it and keep the peace (as you have done).

op you have to pay- you literally asked her then talked about bank details. I’m so sorry but it’s an insane situation, maybe you said you were looking for someone to mind your child by accident?

Mumsnet is being weird again.
How much do I owe you is a perfectly understandable polite way of saying “you’ve obviously spent money on them on the day out, can I reimburse you”.
but most people would expect a modest amount for some food and drink on a day out OR a don’t worry about it NOT a bloody build a bear at £50+!

I invited a group of my DD’s friends out the other day (they are year 6 primary so brought money and mooched round the shops while I sat in a cafe). I then chose to buy them all a milkshake - some of the girls had run out of money - and it added up. Some of the mums asked what they owed me on the group chat and I said not to worry as I’d bought them an expensive ish drink out of my own choice.

I don't think asking 'what do I owe' is outrageous considering it must have been clear from the photos that the kids were taken out, ate out etc. I certainly remember my parents asking that when their friends looked after us and took us out.

But the answer would always be 'oh no don't worry about it'.

I am astonished that anyone takes someone elses child to Build-A-Bear without prior arrangement/discussion, lets a child select an expensive toy, pays for it... and then expects the childs parent to repay that! Don't take the fucking kids to bloody BAB!

I think you do have to cough up OP, but chalk it up to experience and don't accept favours from these people again, they're absolutely fucking nuts!

Sorry. You did meet her briefly before. It’s still cheeky of her.

She was wrong to buy a build a bear for your daughter and expect you to pay. It's not like you can ask her to get a refund either I don't think? awkward. YABU asking for bank details then making her follow up though. Should have confronted her at the time

The whole thing is weird. You do seem desperate but I’m not sure I’d have left my 5 year old with someone I’d never met. I would have been mightily pissed off that that person took my little girl into town without my permission and bought her a 50 quid build a bear. I would tell your friend what happened and that you weren’t expecting a fee of £70 and instead give back the bear. Write a short thanks but no thanks note.

Asking what do I owe you is weird.

Asking "How much do I owe you?" implies you think you owed something, and there are clearly no flies on that grandmother. Cheeky bint.

A British and polite filler would have been "Can I contribute at all?"

I think I’d have said, ‘What do I owe you?’ if my child had emerged carrying a new Build a Bear. I’d never expect a stranger to have bought an expensive gift for my child, and would have felt very weird accepting one.

She shouldn’t have taken your DD there without permission, though, and I’d be saying to my friend something along the lines of, ‘Blooming heck, DD’s going to be begging for your mum to babysit every time from now on. I’d better arrange a mortgage, ha ha!’

Very weird thing to do.