To think you don’t do someone a favour and then charge them?

If asking someone how much you owe them when you have no intention of paying them is some kind of culturally British quirk, how come most of the thread and the granny don’t agree?

Both unreasonable.

You don’t say ‘How much I owe you?’ to someone who has looked after your child as a favour. You introduced money into the equation so she took you up on it.

But also if I decided to get someone else’s child something expensive like build a bear, that’s my decision and I wouldn’t expect them to pay for it.

So 50/50 really!

I’d give your friend the £70 to pass on to Grandma and see what she says. I wouldn’t accept it on Grandma’s behalf it it were me.

I’d just pay the money when the details are sent and have less to do with them in future…….yes they’ve done you a favour and costs weren’t agreed before but they obviously have more disposable cash and didn’t think to ask and you’ve now agreed to take on those payments made, at least your daughter had a nice time and was well looked after

I’d like to see how this would have played out, had you not asked the question. If you had blithely chatted about the weather for a few minutes, then left with a last ‘thank you’ would she have brought up the £70? We’ll never know, but there’s a chance not. But once the question was asked, had i been in her shoes, I would have thought ‘Oh, she must have had some kind of arrangement with (my) DD to cover any costs incurred’, hence the reply.

But, at the end of the day, you asked a question and got an answer. You would be unreasonable to not pay now and chalk it up to experience.

OK this isn't satisfactory but Grandma was probably emotionally coerced into it and picked an easy, but expensive, option to get through the arrangement safely and keeping the little ones entertained.

You asked and got an answer. She might have sucked it up if you didnt. Even so, she was pulled into this last minute and likely tried her best.

Overall you all achieved your objective - sorry to hear you had to go to GOSH hope it went OK.

I can’t wait to hear what the friend says. Op please update!

Well normally I would say yes this needs to be clear at outset but you offered to pay, why did you do that if you didn't meant it?

What is your friend saying about the situation?

but your scenario is completely different!

dc was offered a lift after a hike, he was quite persuasive, offered two of them a lift to the train station, and then charged them! the bus would have been a quarter of the price

The grandmother broke it down into costs of food, play and teddy - she didn't mention a personal fee.

Why did you ask how much you owe her if you weren't offering to pay?

This is mainly a communication issue on your part. She only said after you offered, it would be very strange of you not to pay at this point.

"How much do I owe you?" isn't a polite sentence filler, it's an offer to reimburse someone.

I'd look up how much the bear cost and sned that amount over... its technically illegal to pay for unregistered childcare.

I’d have assumed it was a favour! I’d never assume I was paying and would know you were joking when offering to pay! She clearly doesn’t feel awkward asking for whatever she spent but £70?! Wow!

Suck it up and use someone else for favours! If I have my sons friends I pay for them as it’s my choice where I take them!

What kind of person takes a child to build-a-bear on a playdate (or babysitting situation) and then charges the parent for it?!

Mind you, you did ask.

So TBH, they were unreasonable, but you brought the bill on yourself by asking for it..

It's actually quite unhinged!

but you should pay for the bear

I can see why you asked "what do I owe you?" when she'd bought a bear and stuff but I wouldn't spend £70 on someone else's child without asking them first. A day in nursery would cost about that or less. I can also see why you wouldn't want to argue when she said £70. Can you text your friend and say it was really kind of her to offer to help and for her mum to have your DC but you hadn't budgeted £70. She didn't need to spend that!

Think I’d return the teddy and whinge at friend. Who takes out a 5 year old and spends that much? What if you couldn’t afford it? 🤬

I would definitely pass the £70 cash on to the daughter and ask her to pass it to her mum saying that I didn’t have the cash on me when I collected my DD. That way she will know what her mum has asked for. Grandma was out of order taking them to BAB without checking with you. It’s a rip off!

This. the world has gone mad.

If she was going to rob you blind expect payment, she should have said, "I'll have her for seventy cash." At least that way you knew what to expect and could have chosen a different course.

Hopefully she needs a lift or a favour one day and you can just say, "Bummer."

It is odd that the grandmother bought an expensive toy like that.

However, the whole babysitting thing was an unplanned, last-minute arrangement due to the mum being unwell - there was no opportunity to set expectations or ground rules for expenses - it's unlikely the grandmother will be looking after your DD again. For that reason, unless you really can't afford it, I would pay her and take it as a lesson to do things differently should you ever be in a similar situation in the future - as pp suggested, give some cash at the outset to cover incidental expenses (but not expensive teddy bears).

Generally it is not unreasonable to think you don't do someone a favour and then charge them BUT in your case you messed up by offering to pay her whether you meant it or not. Why did you say that to someone you don't know well? That is where you messed up. You gave granny an IN to take the mick and this is where it's got you.

Yeah I agree with this, so can see why OP asked. The problem I'd say is it's also because it's a grandmother taking them out I don't think a parent would do the same as far as the bear is concerned. I can totally imagine my parents doing something like this (although they wouldn't ask for the money)

Agree this is very odd and out of step with the prevailing culture. You just don’t take someone else’s child for a lavish birthday type treat of your own volition without checking with the parent. If you do that you pay for it. I world be flabbergasted too op it’s weird behaviour.

My teen has got in with a family of billionaires if they asked me to pay what they choose to spend on her we would be bankrupt!