To think you don’t do someone a favour and then charge them?

The grandmother gave up her time, effort and convenience to look after a young child for the sake of a mum (whom she didn’t know well) who was taking a child to hospital. She spent more than was intended, but we all know that is easily done once you take children into any kind of commercial leisure environment.

Her intentions were good, the little girls were safe and I don’t think St Peter will be turning her away from Heaven when her time comes!

Agree it was weird to ask what you owe her if you weren’t expecting to contribute anything. She was only taking your lead and perhaps didn’t know what the terms of the arrangement even were, given she was doing this at short notice on behalf of her DD.

I would pay her the £70 if she sends bank details, if she doesn’t, leave it.

Its reasonable for Granny to ask for OPs budget before going to Build-a-Bear!

Going by the OP's updates, it seems the Granny offered to have her daughter via WhatsApp and said it was a playdate at the park with food at home afterwards. To unilaterally decide to take them to an expensive toy shop and "treat" the children to £70 of bear/bear accessories and food out is quite shocking. Fair enough if she was a nanny or childminder and OP had solicited her professional services, but to offer a playdate and charge £70 is very unreasonable.

@InvisibilityCloakActivated
But this wasn't OP's friend; it was the friend's mother and she had the child for the whole day.
I think it's reasonable to ask "do I owe you anything?"

Yes, the granny was unreasonable to go to a soft play, get fast food and allow a 5 year old to build a £40 teddy bear and choose accessories without checking with you or discussing budget first.

It isn't a British filler sentence to ask someone how much you owe them. I wouldn't say this and noone has ever said it to me for watching their kids for an hour or two while they did errands/had to work.

Next time, collect DD with a bunch of flowers or a cheap box of chocolates and say "thank you so much, I really appreciate you doing me this favour, here are some flowers/chocs for you" rather than saying "how much do I owe you?"

I'd just send the money for the ever and say "thanks again here is £30 for the bear" and if she asks for more reply saying sorry but you should have asked before spending £70 on a few hours as you hadn't budgeted that

Really odd that she spent so much money in build a bear and didn’t ask you. I would never be so presumptuous. For all she knows you’re on the bones of your arse and can’t afford that.

in these circumstances, if she was willing to have your daughter she should have tailored/altered her day to accommodate or explained the build a bear situation. I’d have refused my child to have one given how expensive they are (and they were birthday treats in our house)

Has the op been back yet? Please come back and tell us what your friend said about it all.

It all seems to have happened in a rush with the friend unexpectedly being ill. I doubt granny appreciated her day with her granddaughter horned in on. She didn’t owe OP anything let alone adherence to a rigid plan.

Those who don’t appreciate childcare favours are free to make other plans next time.

Very weird that you offered to pay her and even weirder that she said yes. I think you do need to pay her now though, if she follows up.

If you read the quote history you'll see that was literally my entire point

Granny shouldn't have ever spent so much money but the moment OP specifically said she owed it the amount was moot - you can't accept you owe money then be shocked when you're asked to pay it. If OP HADNT phrased it that way then granny could jog on asking for it.

Yes but you're missing out the part where OP thought they were going to the park and then having dinner.

No mention of build a bear

If grandmother's entire plans with granddaughter had revolved around an expensive activity you'd think
A - she would have mentioned this at the point what they were doing for the day was discussed
B - She should have asked for money at the time "I'm happy to take X too but I was planning to take dad to build a bear, just to make you aware so X doesn't feel left out. Unless OP wants to give me the money for X to get one too of course ."

Not get carried away playing generous benefactor then ask for a refund!

No. She already was having her granddaughter; she can entertain her anyway she likes. oP’s daughter was a last-minute add-on. When that’s the case, one falls in with existing plans or finds another solution.

I feel for OP because she was hardly cadging free childcare so she could nip off to the spa; her son had a hospital appointment. She was between a rock and a hard place. But everyone seems to have been doing their best. Lesson learned.

This. You wouldn't have offered if there weren't obvious costs.

@Ddakji Sorry, crossed wires there! Yes I agree x

I’m assuming it’s because the grandmother fed the child when they were out rather than a meal at home. I wouldn’t expect to be asked or ask if someone took the child home with them but if they went out somewhere I can see why a parent would offer to cover any additional costs for their child.

You should probably have said oh, let me pay you back for the lovely bear. Not what do I owe you. It sounds like your DD had a lovely day.

Omg I’d be fuming. I do regular afterschool favours for other mums, I’m a SAHM so often a go to for emergency pick ups for school friends, I’m happy to do it. There has been a rare occasion I might not go home but I would only ever spend what I cant afford on any child I was looking after and would not expect payment. I’d never dream of going to build-a-bear after school unless it was a pre planned trip which I would mention and I wouldn’t be buying other kids build-a-bears unless I could afford to absorb the cost, which I can’t. To us build-a-bear is a massive treat that would wipe out our monthly discretionary fund. We could never afford £70 on a random afterschool trip.

i was wondering about your “how much do I owe you” comment, I don’t think it’s usual but I suppose in the circumstances of her feeding your dd out I understand why you asked, I’ve had that asked of me when I’ve treat other peoples children, but fuck it’s a bag of sweets, maybe a McDonald’s but not a ridiculously overpriced build-a bear.

I wouldn't pay. I’d be messaging the friend and saying I think things have gone a bit off kilter. Your grateful for her mum looking after your dd but you never expected her to be taken out for tea and being taken to build a bear, your happy to cover the food and give the build a bear back but you can’t justify £70 for an unplanned afterschool shopping trip.

I think you’ve misunderstood me - I don’t know anyone who asks “how much do I owe you” when you’ve done them a favour and looked after their kid. We just help each other out.

I agree, but op shouldn’t have asked.

£10 maybe £20 at the most but £70 is over the top who does that?

Op’s friend had offered to look after her daughter, though?
There was no reason to suppose there was a cost to be covered.

Build a Bear starts at about £65 in Central London
So she's not trying to make any profit from you
Whether or not she should have taken you child to an expensive treat without telling you first would be the issue, I think?

No, it isn't! I've done massive favours for people, (granted, I haven't been a CF and bought things without their agreement). But I've waved them away when they've asked how much they owe! (I'm talking about lifts to places and collecting things for them, such as using my trailer for furniture moves etc). But then I'll help anyone out if they're friends.

Have you spoken to your friend about this - if so what did she say?