To ask how those of us who were smacked

I was born in 1971 and still remember the angry, red handprints on my thighs from where my mother used to smack me. I don't recall what I'd done wrong, but I remember looking at the perfectly formed handprints and being quite amazed.

Exactly.

"It never did me any harm."

"Well, it did, didn't it? It made you the sort of person who thinks that there's no harm in hitting children."

I was smacked fairly regularly - with hard bottomed slipper and a wooden spoon, once I think with a belt. I seriously have neutral feelings about it, not traumatised in any way. On the whole my mum was very loving tho and I was cuddled waaaayy more than I was told off, if you don’t feel safe or as loved with a parent the rest of the time it must colour the way you remember punishments.

If I was smacked for something I did wrong ( in the 60s / 70s ) then I deserved it so didn’t feel resentful. If I got smacked if I hadn’t done wrong or smacked for someone else’s actions then yes I resented it big time . Being grounded and not allowed out with my friends hurt me a lot more than being smacked , so I used that method to punish my kids instead of smacking them .

To be clear, I think that had I done that, they’d have beaten me further in ways that were just over the legal limit - they’d discuss when they’d accidentally left lasting hand prints or bruises - they felt and feel justified and righteous - problematised me as out of control, later ND (I’m not), rather than killed me.

I was smacked occasionally, usually if I’d done something very rude or dangerous. I am not traumatised by it, have a great relationship with my parents, and looking back think that they were probably just at the end of tether and snacking was the go to punishment. I sometimes shout at my children (which I’m not proud of) but think my parents smacking me was the equivalent. They actually rarely shouted at me ironically.

I also agree with previous posters who say that we actually now appear to have more problem children in the classrooms, who lack respect, and I wonder if the more sensitive way we now generally discipline/teach our children influences this.

My biggest shame now, at 50, is that I never fought back. I wish I had. I wish I’d knocked their teeth out.

Did anyone ever try and block and fight back? I remember once I blocked and my mum was like "what will you do next. Hit me?!!"

It’s striking (no pun intended) that many of you say “it didn’t harm me, I never think about it but I never hit my kids”. If you really don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, why not hit your own kids?

Because that's not what people are saying when they say it didn't harm them or they don't think about it. We're not saying that there is nothing wrong with it. Of course it's not the right thing to do but many are simply stating that it left no long lasting damage. And that's okay; because everyone's experiences are different - I don't need to be psychoanalysed for hidden effects. It was just part of life and it wasn't regular.

There's a world of difference between a smack and some of the abuse posters have mentioned on here. That level of abuse is obviously going to leave you with some trauma. But a smack from my parents who were otherwise extremely loving, and who I had a good relationship with; I got over it pretty easily.

Times have moved on. It was accepted once upon a time, it isn't now. Same as driving after a few shandies or not wearing a seatbelt. Neither of those did me any harm as a kid but I wouldn't do them now.

I agree. I had parents who loved me and genuinely wanted the best for me. I was safe with them. If I was badly behaved I was occasionally smacked... I have not been affected by this long term. I wasn't scared of my parents.

Lots of these stories though are horrific, and the smacking crosses over from a dated way of disciplining children to abuse.

I think on this thread there is a lot of conflating serious child abuse and intimidation with an occasional smack in an otherwise predictable and loving family. No-one would ever say the former doesn’t have serious long term consequences but it is so far away from the occasional smack in a received which was the cultural norm at the time. Yes massively outdated now like so many aspects of my childhood, but for me really not damaging.

@PresidentBarklett It did definitely mean I was too afraid to go to my parents with real problems though, which wasn't great when I got into my late teens and could really have used their support.
Certainly, this happened to me, and I expect to many others as well. I got into a habit of only telling my parents problems long after they had happened, not at the time, when they might have been able to help. As a young adult, if I was considering doing something new, such as a new job, I didn't tell my parents about it until it was un fait accompli, in case they disapproved.

Good points!

I wonder which parenting style (70s vs now) is better overall for kids?

I personally had a great childhood with lots of freedoms and fun in the 70s whilst at the same time having strict rules and boundaries that involved being smacked when I misbehaved. It seemed to work!

I still feel upset now if I see a child being smacked or yelled at in an out of control way in the street. I don't normally take much notice of children out and about as I don't have any of my own, but I feel upset and anxious on the child's behalf, it takes me back to my own childhood.

I was smacked. I won't say uts traumatised me or anything as I rarely think of it. But when I do, I feel a hot, creeping sense of shame, which is completely ridiculous given that all kids make mistakes.

It did definitely mean I was too afraid to go to my parents with real problems though, which wasn't great when I got into my late teens and could really have used their support.

I really dreaded seeing other children being smacked in public, and their faces crumpling up. I used to run and hide if I could see it was about to happen (and got in trouble myself for doing so once). Some memories of my brother being smacked have never left me.

I was certainly threatened with smacking, and I can remember scooting up the stairs quickly when told, in order to ‘avoid’ a smack…but I don’t think any of my siblings and I were ever hit (80s/90s childhood).

I’m not a parent, but I am an experienced primary teacher with a very high need class of 10yr olds. Any kind of shouting/anger comes from the adult losing control…and does absolutely nothing positive to help. I couldn’t imagine hitting (or even being vaguely unkind to!) any child - and I’ve met a few over the years who have really tested the limits of my patience.

Children need strong and clear boundaries….but they also need to feel safe and cared about.

If you hit someone for calling you a name, even an extremely offensive one, I don’t actually think most would agree with you. The law definitely wouldn’t.

Your mum's behaviour definitely crossed the line from 'normal punishment for the 1980's' to abuse. Her abuse was psychological and emotional as well as physical. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that.

I wouldn't have any compassion for her now that she is old and frail. She wasn't old and frail when she abused a vulnerable child. If you see flashes of that sort of behaviour with your DC, you know that she hasn't changed. She is just no longer in a position to continue that dreadful and damaging behaviour.

Do not feel obliged to care for her or even visit her. She would only be reaping what she has sown.

I was smacked extremely rarely. I never think about it and have a great relationship with both parents. I will say that my experience of being “smacked” is far far gentler than a lot of the experiences of people on this thread. I feel like I almost need a different word for what punishment I got, almost like a “hard tap” or something. Some of the stories on this thread are heartbreaking 😢

I don't resent the smacking as much as the emotional abuse, or the constant criticism and attacks on my character, which continued until I stopped contact 10 years ago aged 39.

My father was angry I called them out on their behaviour and physically attacked me in front of my two small children.

I was smacked. It stopped me doing naughty and unsafe things. Honestly don't feel it affected my adversely

I remember being smacked by my mum - strangely not by my dad - I remember him being the Kane that talked things through, it was either that or he was working or sleeping on the sofa - so perhaps mum was stressed holding down the house.

Me and my mum have an awful relationship! Even now. I think smacking without any reason at all is damaging. I don’t smack my dd - Ive pulled her away from danger, and found other ways to show her that her actions are wrong - but smacking for me happens when you as an adult can’t control your temper and don’t have the language and maybe even emotional intelligence to solve a problem with a child. Even as a grown adult I’ve realised my mum is quite manipulative - so I wonder if the 2 go hand in hand.

I was smacked in the 70s and half the time I had no idea why. It was damaging and wrong. It’s left me very reactive and when I feel threatened I either bolt or go absolutely batshit.

My mother still wonders why I don’t tell her anything, it’s because when I ever did as a child it either resulted in me being hit or yelled at.

I get along with my parents now but what they did was wrong. I don’t have children myself but my sister brought hers up without smacking and they are fabulous girls.

I was smacked by my parents. It was so very mainstream though. I think if I was the only person I knew being smacked it would possibly psychologically damage me more in a "why me?" way, but I dont reallyvthink about it on a day to day basis. It was par for the course in tge 80s (& before) and just one of a plethora of other things that wouldn't be acceptable now (eg. Smoking in pubs and other public spaces, letting your kids play out without supervision from about age 4, cramming 5 kids in the back seat of a car without seatbelts etc).

It's ok to think it is wrong looking back, but there are probably lots of things people do now that won't be acceptable when our kids look back at us all now from the 2050s. I imagine people will look back at us and wonder why we fed our kids UPFs, allowed teens to have social media, allowed preschoolers to have iPads or why we drove our children around so much instead of making them walk or cycle. These things are ubiquitous now, but future generations will definitely judge us on these acts (& others) in the decades to come.