To ask how those of us who were smacked

I was smacked, it damaged my relationship with my father who smacked me so hard I wet myself out of fear, he smacked me out of temper.
I love him, he was otherwise a good father and he's a brilliant grandfather (he had a very stressful job which resulted in PTSD, think armed forces) so I forgive him and I know he'd never lift a hand to my kids (cos he knows I'd murder him), but our relationship has never been close as a result.
That devastates me, for years I couldn't look him in the eye, like a cowering dog.
I have never smacked my children and they are the best behaved kids I know, there are other ways to discipline children without causing fear in them.

Smacking a child seems so illogical and inhumane. You wouldn't smack a co-worker, friend, or adult family member for not behaving as you'd like or expect. You wouldn't smack an animal. But children are fair game, because there are no consequences for assaulting them? Because the adult can't regulate their own emotions ? Children are defenseless and their brains aren't fully developed, even less reason to smack them, no?

Children need boundaries and for adults to model good behaviour. Monkey see, monkey do. Hurting does in no way model how to manage emotions in a healthy way.

There have been so many studies that prove the adverse effects of smacking. Children are more likely to lie to avoid being subjected to physical assaults and can grow up to believe violence in relationships is acceptable.

I was smacked, I remember the sting, the fear. I remember being punished for things I didn't do. I didn't feel safe and never confided in them.

For those saying it didn't affect them, can you be absolutely certain it didn't shape you, or your relationship with your parents? If so, you're the 'lucky' ones I guess and I'm sorry it happened to you.

I was smacked occasionally as a child. Can’t say it affected me at all.
But the emotional issues caused me much more long term harm. The emotional manipulation by my parents crying, saying I didn’t love them because I didn’t do x, y and z, was much more an issue for me.
I do wonder if a short sharp smack would be better in most cases, rather than all the emotional crap currently being pedalled.

Born in 91, my mum smacked me on a bare bottom very occasionally, not spur of the moment, as a thought- out punishment. Our relationship broke down in my teens, I do wonder if that had something to do with it maybe. As adults we're very close and I trust her to care for my children who I know she would never hit. I can't even fathom hitting my own children and it's not something I'll understand why she felt compelled to do, perhaps because it was so normalised?

My very authoritarian Dad smacked far too hard and made sure you really didn’t sit down for a week - we’re talking hand print on bum.

To be honest I didn’t question it at the time, late 70’s, early 80’s and like lots of things that happened then, it certainly wouldnt be allowed today. Yeah of course I’m not happy about it when I look back, but I know that this was how my Dad was parented too and he just wasn’t enlightened enough to change it.

I was smacked on the legs as a smaller child and also round the face as a teenager.

My mum's favourite expression when I was younger seemed to be 'I'll sting your legs', as a teenager it was more about face slapping if I answered back.

One story she loved to tell, was how when my brother was younger she tried to slap his face but he ducked and she missed. But her handbag had gained momentum and that whacked him round the face instead.

Even at 17 (three days before my 18th birthday) when chemo had created a huge bald patch in my hair and I threw the mirror on the floor when I saw it, her first reaction was to slap me round the face (apparently I was 'hysterical' 🙄)

My father regularly (weekly often) and from about aged 3-12 would smack me - knickers down, over his lap, open hand, really hard leaving red marks. It was abusive and assault and humiliating and made me furious I have never forgiven my mother from not protecting me from him.

The “reasons” were trivial. Usually for not instantly complying with a request or listening to music on my little transistor radio under my pillow after lights out, or being out of bed, something like that. When I was 3 it was for getting out of bed to give my sister her birthday present because I couldn’t wait for her birthday the next day. It was a paperback book and he also ripped the book in half and threw it in the bin.

He was a violent arsehole. I don’t know if he took any sexual pleasure from it and I have never allowed myself to think about that possibility.

I was smacked occasionally, as were my brothers. None of us ever thought that that meant it was okay to get into fights. None of us ever got into trouble for fighting. I think we all parented in a similar way but I quickly learnt that all children are different and smacking is not affective at all for some. My DD with ADHD , it had no impact on her behaviour at all so I quickly stopped. My DS only had one smack in his life and never wanted to repeat the experience so if I asked him not to repeat a bad behaviour, he would not repeat it. He is a very lovely 20 year old now who is 6'7" and would not hurt a fly in anger. He has never even raised his voice to either of us.
I agree that there are usually more effective ways of parenting than smacking but I would not criminalise it if used within a caring household. The problem is, it is almost impossible to differentiate between a smack done in uncontrollable anger( which is abusive) and a smack done in love to try and prevent a dangerous or unwanted behaviour.
And I know that will be a very contentious sentence but can also see from many of the replies that many of us grew up in loving homes but were smacked and feel it did not have any negative impact on us.

It was abuse.

I had other stuff going on in my home also, but smacking is abusive.

We wouldn't be allowed to raise our hands and strike another adult in anger, so why would it be acceptable to do it to children?

Using pain and fear to control your child is lazy, abusive and gross.

My grandma was ahead of her time and she had 5 kids who she never smacked. She was very vocal about it.

Mum has recently apologised for it happening to me, but it is something I will never understand.

The thought of hitting a beautiful, innocent child makes me feel sick. I would rather chop my hand off.

I asked my mother, who was a health visitor in the 80s onwards, if she thought smacking children was wrong. She thought about it and said that mostly smacking was about the adults losing control, not about what a child needed.

As a child of a particular age i think i needed to see that emotion from my parents though, that realisation of how angry/upset they were was a clear marker of how serious what I had done was. I actually don't think its healthy for parents to hide all negative emotions from their children. Children need to learn that certain antisocial behaviours trigger bad responses that they don't want to happen again.

Its really not ok. Whatever the "reason"

If you were the boss at work and your employee stepped out of line- would you smack them for it ? And if you did? It would be assault. These days anyway.

I assume adults couldn't hit adults back in 80s/90s/00s and get away with it.

So why it was it ever consider ok id never know

I don't care about the smacking at all and didn't as a child. I preferred it to a telling off as it was over fast.

My mum was a smacker - she was also physically abusive (indiscriminately, to me, other children and all adults who pissed her off). I could tell the difference as a child, just as clearly as I can now.

I've never taken issue with slaps to back of legs/hands/bum. These were given calmly and were definitely physical chastisement not abuse. A single facial slap offended but didn't upset me, and she intended as the same.

I have always taken issue with punching (especially to face/head). Beating with objects; a proper beating in general; kicking or stamping; use of weapons; threats to use weapons; burning/threats to burn; deliberate abandonment; feeding of class A drugs. This group is what causes me ongoing trauma and issues throughout my life, the smacking is neither here nor there.

Right. And if it had been with an open hand then it would have been OK and we'd call it 'smacking'?

I think smack is more with an open hand whereas hit implies a closed fist.

I don’t agree with smacking at all; it’s awful. I also think a lot of modern parenting techniques are damaging to the other extreme.

It is interesting if you read MN circa 2005 though; lots of smacking debates, mixed bag but parents admitting to snacking certainly aren’t seen as abusive.

I think there's two different camps of smacking -for 'safety' IE "a short, sharp shock", and for punishment.

Whenever there are debates about whether smacking should be banned in England, there's always people saying "if my child tries to run across a dangerous road, I smack them, it's to keep them safe".

But my experience in the 90s is that I was just smacked for being naughty (eg arguing/tantrum). I wonder how many others were mainly smacked for punishment.

I was smacked in the early 90s. Dad was a little more heavy handed them mum. It was only done when I was being really very naughty or a danger and I don’t feel negatively about it at all. It is not a loaded statement if I say I got smacked “when I deserved it” because I was probably being a horrible little shit at the time but I was generally a very well behaved kid. I feel that It was one tool they used rarely in an effective discipline strategy- I love both my parents and think they did a good job raising me and my sister. We are both good people and well- adjusted adults

I think there is smacking and smacking.
I always knew why I was being smacked - usually had pushed the boundaries way too far and I knew it.
It was one smack, or two, not ten.
It didn't usually leave a long lasting mark.

Actually I think one of my siblings probably would have benefitted from being smacked a bit more (they were born a few years after me and raised very differently).

But I'm sure there were also children being abused and that abuse disguised as "just a smack", which is why you'll probably get a lot of different responses.

This said, this isn't how I want to raise my children. I couldn't well articulate why, as I don't think it did me any harm. I guess I want a different relationship with my kids.

It was abuse and made me extremely fearful as a child. I have raised my own children in safety with zero violence and they are the most beautiful, chilled young men I could ask for.

I was only smacked a handful of times so i'd likely feel different if it was a regularly thing. Because it was rare, I guess I feel like it was probably times where my mum was just pushed to her limits and i do empathise with that because I think most parents have felt that way. I don't remember being scared when I was smacked, but I do remember thinking 'oh shit! I've really messed up here!' Because I wasn't used to seeing my mum lose control. I guess I felt like it was my fault more than hers. I don't feel it's done any damage to me, but I feel like it served any purpose either.

No that doesn’t count as smacking. Your mother punching you in the face is abuse.

My mother had a temper and was abusive. She'd clout me across my head if she felt I was out-of-order. I was a quiet child who never answered back. She always did it when no-one else was about.

The last time she smacked me about the head it was because I was late for tea. I was 14 and I smacked her back across the face.
She was horrified and was holding her face and saying "You struck me! You struck me!"
I said "Yes and I'll strike you again if you ever hit me again!"

She never did.

I left home as soon as I could and never went back. I never like her, she was just plain nasty. None of my other siblings got smacked. For some reason it seems she just didn't like me.

I was smacked, on rare occasions when I'd been very clearly deliberately naughty after being warned, and knew full well I'd been naughty. Eg had been told not to do a specific thing for risk of breaking a special item and had just carried on doing it, resulting in breaking it.

It was the ultimate in shame for very poor behaviour and i knew i deserved it - it worked and left me feeling genuinely remorseful.

It did not damage me at all, I lived in a happy home with supportive parents and knew they loved me and wanted the best for me. I have a great relationship with my parents.

I was smacked on occasion, and hit with a closed fist once, by a frustrated mother. I know now that she’s always been very emotionally immature and couldn’t control her temper.
Did it affect me? Yes, I was afraid of her. Coupled with her emotional immaturity I was kinda fucked up until I learned more about the impact she had on my childhood.

I was also smacked but very very rarely. I don't think it's effected me at all if I'm honest - probably because it was so rare, I'm talking maybe 3 or 4 times in my whole childhood

Born in the 70s...got smacked by both parents. DM would slap the back of my legs, that would really hurt. I remember her doing it to me when I did a ballet dance exam, I was around 8/9 and she was tying up my ballet slippers and she couldn't get it right...time was slipping by and I was going to be late for my exam...she slapped my leg so hard and effectively blamed me cos she couldn't tie up my ballet slippers?!🙄 DF would shout and bawl at us so badly I often wished he'd just slap me instead because the terror I felt at those times would have been far more than a short slap across the head or legs. He took a cricket stump to my DB when DB got caught smashing next doors greenhouse windows 😬 DF was fucking savage.

I would say the smacking from my parents was not necessary 70% of the times they did it. The other 30% was done cos I'd have been dicking around.