To ask how those of us who were smacked

When do you need to use self defence against a child?

Unfortunately, some children know that they are untouchable, whatever they say or do. They have no consequences to their actions. I have no idea how teachers manage rude, violent and disruptive behaviour.

Whatever happened to respect for authority?

I was smacked, I’m not bothered by it now. I recognise that it was a way of discipline for my parents. It wasn’t excessive or regular, just when I really went out of line. I could never raise a hand to my daughter and whilst part of me can’t understand how they physically did it, the other part knows they love me, it wasn’t abuse, it was a recognised form of discipline. I’m glad it’s not the norm now but no scars from it, physical or mental!

I was smacked a few times. I always understood why. It was when I was being deliberately naughty. Like the time I put a chair under the bathroom door handle to lock my mum in. Or the time I trashed the living room and refused to clear it up. I’d always get the threat of a smack first and if I didn’t change my behaviour my dad would follow through. Sometimes I refused just to push boundaries and then regretted it after being smacked. I never did those things again. I have no lasting issues from it, I have a great relationship with my parents, I know violence doesn’t solve problems and it never made me fear adults.

That said. I think it should be illegal. Even a light one off smack. It didn’t do me any harm, probably because it wasn’t a regular occurrence and only used if I was very badly behaved. But there are children out there who need to be protected. Who do have parents that will beat the shit out of them and minimise it as “discipline” That’s why I don’t think there can be any grey areas for child abusers to be let off with. Even though I don’t think my parents did anything wrong.

How does anyone deserve to be hit?

Back then in the late noughties and early 2010s there was an 11+ tutor who would smack children who got answers wrong in his 11+ tuition classes

I was smacked as a child by my mum (dad wasn’t really around) often in absolute rage on her part. The thing is, like any abuse, it escalated over time. So when I was a naughty 3 year old it was a socking great smack on the bum. I think I was about 6 when she threw a garden chair at me. 15 when she gave me a fat lip and threw a plate at my head. She always apologised afterwards but… that was on her terms and I had no choice but to accept her apology and cuddle her and forgive her straight away because if I so much as flinched I’d be in for a world of pain.

I had a similar relationship with my ex. His abuse escalated over time as he got away with more and more.

I’m not saying that everyone who has smacked their kids is the same as my mum btw. I have smacked my children before. It wasn’t affective at all and I felt disgusted with myself. Happened maybe 3 times in their lives and the older 2 are teenagers now. I do think that laws that allow smacking your child are a useful tool to someone who abuses their kids.

I wasn’t smacked a lot as a child - but the occasions that I was, I remember clearly. I think I am able to give my parents a bit of grace because it was such a rare occurrence and those occasions were as a result of big, blow up incidents rather than being their go-to thing every single time on of us behaved badly.
It was such a common thing for parents to hit their kids back then, I guess I look at it like I was lucky my parents did it very rarely.
Rationally, I know that’s a bit of a warped way to look at it, because I can’t imagine ever hitting my own DC.

I think the narrative that any smacking must have harmed you is just wrong - simplistic thinking

also to those saying you wouldn’t hit an adult - yes there are times when you would hit an adult - self defence is the classic example

The smacking I can deal with, my mum's flat out denial that it ever happened is infuriating.

Same here. I was smacked after being naughty - I was definitely a little shit sometimes and felt it was deserved. Still felt very loved and have always had a great relationship with my parents.

At school in the 80s we were sometimes hit with a ruler (on the hands) if we misbehaved. That didn’t seem to do me any harm either.

I was smacked. As a child I got wacked with a slipper across my thigh for knocking over a cup of coffee "on purpose" when I was about 10. (It was an accident). I was smacked for "cheek" as a preteen but it rarely hurt as my mum had bad hands. It was frustration not punishment.
As a teenager it turned from a smack to a slap across the face a few times. It stopped when I pushed her back once.

As an adult I understand my DM behaviour now. It doesn't affect me, I don't raise my hands to my kids. She doesn't either. (Although she does minimise how she treated me when I was younger because she's ashamed). She's also admitted a few times I wasn't actually a bad teenager and that she was lucky.

My DF had a very scary shouty voice after being in the forces. He didn't need to smack me or my siblings. He was scary AF when he was mad but that wasn't often because he was an older parent who was very laid back.

I was smacked by my Mum (dad died when I was little) when I was naughty but this happened very rarely because I was parented in a way that taught me to behave well so I didn’t get smacked. It didn’t do me anything other than to behave myself. I didn’t get into trouble at school, nor as an adult.

I’m a great animal lover and interested in psychology; there is only a thin veneer of civilisation that separates us from animals and many animals will use smacking to teach behaviour in the wild. Personally I think a lot of kids would benefit from being shown quite clearly what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour and to learn a bit of respect for adults because it would appear that many people don’t know to parent their kids to achieve this.

I was often smacked by my mother because she had temper issues and never understood why I was smacked - my dad, stepdad and grandparents never, ever smacked me or even threatened to.
I didn't understand then, that it was an issue to do with my mum's mental health and anger issues rather than me, myself and I grew up hating myself and thinking I deserved abuse - she also emotionally abused me.
Bizarrely I still love her but it saddens me that we've never had and never will have the kind of relationship that others have with their mothers.
But yes, I now accept that it was abuse - no more, no less.
I had a course of therapy to rationalise my feelings and also to learn to understand that my mum won't change because she doesn't feel she can or maybe even feels that she doesn't need to because it's the past (she's also against smacking children now).
I've never had an apology from her but I do know that when she thinks about it, she does feel guilty but not enough to acknowledge it properly - I'm not sure if it's because she failed to bond with me when I was born and she never actually really loved my dad either and I reminded her of him (she was groomed by an older man, encouraged to run away from home, was abused physically, mentally and sexually and hooked on drugs - my grandparents finally found her and got her away from him and she tried to love my dad - she was attracted by his kindness and attention, but she, even now, still "loves" her ex and I think that I'm the physical reminder that "ended" that part of her life and "started" the chapter that she ultimately didn't want.
I found my therapy really helpful and I don't hate her and don't even feel angry anymore - I accept it's her and forgive what she did, because in my case, it will only hurt me if I don't.
Although I say I don't get angry, I wrote a very angry "letter" to her (that I didn't send) in my diary and really opened up and likened her to "the fucking caterpillar in Alice In Wonderland" - at the time, I needed to let go as she'd been dismissive of me on the phone and it had brought up past feelings - it helped get it out and re-reading it, I even had a little giggle at calling her the caterpillar as that's honestly how she acts sometimes - arrogant and dismissive.

I guess what I'm trying to say is
1, Try and remember that it's always THEM and not you, who are at fault.

2, Although it's not an excuse, sometimes they're acting out due to behaviour/abuse that they've suffered and haven't dealt with (this does NOT make it acceptable for them to abuse you or anyone else though. EVER!)

3, Sometimes talking therapy can be really helpful (my therapist was amazing - I'd thought nothing would help, but he really did and I still use the things I learned today if I'm in an uncomfortable situation)

4, Allow yourself to vent your own feelings either through writing, painting, crafting or some other way where you can express yourself.

5, Again, remember it's THEM and NOT you!! Give yourself self-love. During my therapy, I realised that I was doing a lot of things that reminded me of being with my Nanna (where I had the maternal love that my mum couldn't give) such as drinking out of her old cup, sitting in the same position as she used to and even watching reruns of the things she used to watch and as I was telling my therapist this, it dawned on me, that I was creating the feeling of safety and love I used to feel with Nanna - so now I consciously think of her when I make a cup of tea in her old cup and watch one of her old favourites and I even raise my cup of tea to her (her favourite drink too).

Anyone going through this, I send a virtual hug to - it's bloody horrible and can lead to such feelings of rejection, low self-esteem and self-hatred - and none of us deserve that.

I was smacked but very rarely, it hasn't affected me and I don't think it was wrong.
However, it was lightly and in the context of a loving home with stable parents and don't think it's comparable with many of the experiences described here. And I didn't smack my own children.

I was smacked on occasion (by my mum not dad). I didn’t like it but I wouldn’t say it’s negatively impacted me in any way. I wouldn’t smack my own kids though- I think it’s good it’s illegal

Kids were smacked on hand (occasionally backside too) with wooden ruler at primary school for bad behaviour 1970s-early 80s, when it was banned. And honestly, I don't think there were the disciplinary problems that exist in schools now, nor the exodus of teachers due to stress. So I don't think we can sit in judgment of the past in 2025. Some of the stories I hear coming from school are atrocious - TA in son's class called a 'fat c*' last week, 2x assaults on teachers (blows to face) in last year.

I much preferred a quick smack, rather than a long lecture. Born in the 50’s.

Yes, smacked in the 70's if really naughty or rude and not listening having been told more than once to behave. Only ever by my Mum though, never my Dad. He had a look that was enough. Loved my childhood and very happy with the upbringing I had. Great relationship with both, although Dad passed a number of years ago.

Honestly, I don’t even think about it. It’s not an approach I think is right and I’ve never smacked my own children. But there were far more disturbing things about my childhood and my family that it feels very much like a non-issue.

I was smacked by my dad. I don’t really think it impacted me but I was far more distant from him in my 20’s. As soon as I was able (18) I went to uni and very much lived my own life. It never occurred to
me to seek permission from either of my parents and I would never had gone to my dad for counsel.
I do know I regarded him as someone who flew off the handle, had a tendency to be unreasonable and had a quick temper. None of this I saw positively.
He has mellowed massively with age but I don’t parent like him and I would never smack. I made it v clear to my parents and in laws that nobody (including me and DH) would EVER smack my kids and I believe strongly that there are better ways to discipline.

Yes. Being hit in the face sounds very much like it was hard enough it would have certainly left a mark. I don’t recall ever having been marked by my parents smacking me. It was the sharp shock of it that was the fear for me - not any pain.

It was a different time i was smacked but would never smack my kids but im sure in 20 years time things will have changed again and there will be things I do with my kids that are seen as unacceptable and there will be a thread about it. I think its harsh to be mad at someone about something that was very much the norm years ago.

Come on there’s a huge difference in giving a child a small smack on the bottom when they are being naughty (as I was given as a child) and punching or even hitting a child’s face with an open hand for no reason. You are getting discipline (albeit old fashioned discipline) mixed up with abuse. It’s not the same.