To ask how those of us who were smacked

I got hit at school a few times too. While it hurt and it was embarrassing as fuck (particularly the slap over the face from a male teacher) , it didn’t have the same long lasting effects. Probably because it was a once off, there was a clear reason and those people didn’t mean much to me. I didn’t expect them to love me , or look after me , or make me feel safe. I also didn’t live with them or spend that much time with them , so while still wrong and abusive I shrugged it off a lot easier.

To be fair, OP, I think your experience is outside the norm and therefore you can't understand the progress of smacking for discipline and not smacking for discipline, and not necessarily seeing it as abusive or harmful. Every parent exists within the constructs of social normals at the time that they have young children, and those norms can be understood in context.

I was smacked very infrequently as a child (with a hand on bum or back of leg), all times due to very poor behaviour. It did not affect my relationship with my parents – both of whom I have a good relationship with – and I never think about it negatively. I'm indifferent to it. It was the discipline method at the time, and like all things there is a spectrum of how it is conducted. It is no longer an accepted discipline method as society has moved on. That's all there is to it, really.

I was smacked (beaten) a lot as a child by my mum. It didn’t help me understand right from wrong at all as it was always fuelled by her own stress and anger, largely nothing to do with me, so something small I had done one day would set her off but not another day. I used to feel pure hatred for her when she was doing it and never felt entirely comfortable in her company. We never speak of the past, maybe we should but I can’t really face it as she’s extremely narcissistic and bends the truth a lot. She was also verbally abusive too and said nasty things to put me down when she was angry. I would never ever treat my own children like that. I definitely think it’s had a lasting effect on me.

I accept that it was fairly commonplace when I was growing up (late 80s/early 90s) and I don’t really harbour resentment about the actual smacking. It does infuriate me though that my mum now tries to make out like it was incredibly rare for her to smack us and she only did it if we were endangering ourselves when both my sibling and I can remember being smacked by her a lot, usually in anger. Which confuses me as by all accounts, I was a very compliant child who responded well to other forms of discipline (my sibling not so much, admittedly!).

I do wonder how parents did it, though. I couldn’t bear to hurt my DD. Even when I was at the peak of stress, newly widowed with a child who was refusing to go to bed, I couldn’t have ever contemplated physical discipline.

My mum slapped me around the face once and I’ve never really forgiven her for that, to be honest.

I was smacked rarely when I'd done something major like breaking furniture when messing about etc. I was unconditionally loved, given lots of attention and had a happy drama free childhood. I never think about it and it hasn't affected me. I think that was similar to dh's childhood and my own father's. Whereas my mother was beaten regularly by her mentally ill mother and my aunty (her sister) was beaten to the point of being unconscious. My mum was determined to parent entirely differently and achieved that with me and my brother, but it still affects her now, my aunty was too scared to have children in case she perpetuated the cycle of abuse. There are levels of abuse and I really don't think my mum giving me a tap on the bottom twice a year qualifies at all and it's more just the world has changed. I don't think about my parents smacking me, just like I don't think about how nobody wore seat belts, everyone smoked etc

I was occasionally smacked at home and in primary school.

Can’t see I am particularly damaged. Got on with my parents and have good relations with my children and husband.

Smacked very rarely and the threat of it stopped me misbehaving. It wasn’t a hard smack and knew I was loved, wasn’t ever neglected or beaten & as others have said I think that’s the difference between those that it’s impacted long term and those that it hasn’t.

My experience with being smacked as a child is probably not typical but to be honest, remembering it cracked me up. My mom would get out the wooden spoon and chase after us, with her face anywhere from bright red to purple in anger. She'd hold her arm way up high, wielding her spoon weapon. And then you'd get... a tiny tap.

It was hysterical. She said she made herself do it that way to keep from beating us black and blue.

but I never hit my kids”. If you really don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, why not hit your own kids?

tbf @ButThisIsMyHappyFace it could simply be because there is a huge societal disapproval about snacking now. Incl maybe the worry that children would be reporting that to teachers with all that could entail.
So not so much actually it was awful but it’s not the done thing anymore.

For me, it’s the fact it just doesn’t work so why bother 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I was born in 1964, one of six children. I was never smacked by either of my parents. None of us were. The ‘look’ from my mam was enough to put me right. She was firm with us though and had high expectations of us all. I never smacked my two children either who are now in their early twenties.

My father kept a stick in the cupboard and would give me ‘six of the best’ on my bare bottom for fairly minor misbehaviours. This was during the 70s and 80s.

Even as a child I thought it was pathetic behaviour on his behalf and never had any respect for him at all. It didn’t affect me negatively, but it’s probably made me more compassionate and from an early age I was psychologically aware that it was an awful way for an adult to behave.

I’ve never smacked my children as I feel it’s completely unnecessary and no way to treat someone you love.

I grew up in a household where smacking was regularly threatened and had it done a good few times. My mum's was more of an instinctive slap, wouldn't really hurt and was more of a warning shot.

My Dad would calmly punish us violently. I'd be dragged into the garage (often by my ear), bottoms down and smacked very hard. I remember once it left a mark - not just that day but for days afterwards, and it hurt to sit down. He'd hit me over the knuckles with a ruler as well.

I have a distant relationship with my Dad. I don't see my family much as a result - it wasn't/isn't just that, it's a variety of things that add up. I don't understand how my dsis can have a close relationship with him.

I've never smacked my kids. Never would. I've never force fed them food or pulled them by their ear either, or humiliated them.

It wasn’t often and it wasn’t hard. I never think about it. There are other things my parents did that were more hurtful. And I loved my parents! I don’t really think about those times much either. I try to do things differently.

I was smacked a lot as a child. My mum would lash out. She would pick up whatever was handy and throw it. She would pull hair. She would slap my face. I wasn't a naughty child. I was a people pleaser and did very well at school. But if I made a mess or argued with my brother or she was feeling particularly sorry for herself she would use physical and emotional punishments. I grew up feeling a mix of disgust and pity for her. We don't have a good relationship. When I saw her more often she would look fondly at my childhood and is a bit of a revisionist. I honestly find it hard to be in her company. I have an avoidant attachment style as a result and have found relationships hard.

I didn’t feel it was abusive in our case because we were never beaten and I usually knew what we had done. (Eg accidentally smashed an ornament messing around and then ran and hid ((to avoid the smacking))

But what I will say is that I never deterred us from being semi-feral little brats. It wasn’t teaching us anything.

In terms of verbal abuse we had it much worse, and that affected me more long term and affected my early adult relationships. I also had to be around a lot of drinking that had a negative impact.

I really think smacking didn’t add anything and, actually despite all of the above, we had less respect for said parent and would mock them a lot so it was backfiring basically.

Parenting has moved on from then and they should just hurry up and ban smacking imo.

It sounds as if you were often punished unfairly, and you still feel resentful about that, justifiably. But by the standards of the time, I’m not sure it’s fair to see the actual action of smacking as abusive, however differently we may see it now. I was smacked very occasionally as a child and it doesn’t worry me at all - it was just what nearly all parents did at the time.

Absolutely hate the word ‘smack’, part of the pretence it’s ok. Say hit, at least be honest.

I was ‘smacked’ and ‘spanked’ by my parents. I am in counselling currently and this subject came up. I have awful memories and it over shadows my relationship with parents to this day.

I just cannot understand it.

Hitting people is wrong, hitting small people is abhorrent. I have never, ever done it to my children.

I definitely think it was abusive.

I feel it was a 'normal' punishment for the time (70s). I don't feel any resentment at all, my parents used slapping as a punishment and they weren't particularly affectionate but they took care of me to the best of their ability and objectively I believe that they loved me. It is what it is, I don't tie myself up in knots about it.

Yes. This is it exactly.
my parents had more kids than they’d wanted or could afford and were overwhelmed and self-serving. My mum martyred herself and then her resentment raged out of her, my dad was more openly self-absorbed.

I was smacked a fair bit, fuck knows why as I was a good kid - it was all very normal pushing boundary stuff. I didn't really think about it until I had my children. Being honest about it? I think my parents are a bit pathetic. They were too young, uneducated (not just qualifications but not street smart either), poor and they had 3 kids quickly without really thinking about what raising children would be like for them. They're not bad people, they just didn't have a clue what to do and had lots of external stresses to deal with.

I do remember my mum slapping me when I was an older teenager and I slapped her back, she looked terrified.

I wasn’t smacked much, but, if I was, I always knew why. It didn’t affect my relationship with my parents in the slightest, I always knew how loved I was, even if they didn’t actually use those words much. If I was getting a smack it was because I had done something naughty or dangerous, but I always got an explanation for why it happened. I never felt any fear of my parents, but I certainly had respect for them.

Both my parents smacked me. My dad I think of it as being in line with what was acceptable in the 70s/80s, apart from once when I was 16 on the bum at my mum's insistence, which I think was a bit off. He was generally a decent person and good dad, apart from not protecting me from my mum.
My mum was just a thicko who was emotionally abusive and lashed out at me , including hitting on the head and attacking me with her fists. That was much more about her mental health issues and inadequate personality than being in line with the norms of the time. Can't stand the woman. She bullied my dad too.
I never smacked my kids and they are young adults now.

Tbh, my dad flying in a rage and shouting or my mum being unable to show care/support me emotionally has been much much worse than smacking.

To this day I’m still convinced that the emotional scars run much deeper and are much more problematic.

I wasn’t really smacked by today’s understanding of it. I got beaten (a few times), I had my hair pulled, I got slapped over the face, I got chased around the house with a wooden implement. Always in a rage , always over stupid things that just escalated and escalated. I’m still angry and resentful over it and I’m not interested in reasons and excuses(even though I’m aware of them). It was abuse. It was loss a control. It was an adult putting their needs and wants above their wellbeing (physical,mental and emotional) of a child.