To ask how those of us who were smacked

I was smacked by both parents. Hands, slippers. It was called "spanking". It was often and it was inconsistent and I grew up terrified. I learned to be perfect because it meant I was less likely to be hit, but it wasn't always effective. It restricted me, and still causes me severe anxiety that I've done something wrong even when I know that I am honest, don't lie and treat everyone kindly and politely.

Because I'm terrified of being hit.

It is abuse.

My DGF once yanked a little boy (son of my mum's friend) by putting two fingers into his collar and pulling him. His mum came and yelled at my DGF and I was shocked that someone had the audacity to call him out.

In that moment I knew I would never have children because I saw how the violence has cascaded down the generations. It stops with me I thought. I was 13.

Later, when I was in my 30s, I once saw my DM say to my three year old niece that if she didn't get out of the car, she would get a smack. My niece was just being a bit silly. I knew if I had had kids I couldn't let my DM be alone with them in case she hit them.

The last time my DF hit me was when I was 19. I was at home from studying law at university and I said something smart or clever that he took against. He hit me over my head. I stood up and told him that it was assault and the next time he hit me I would call the police.

I never had children.

I still struggle with the fear. Yes it was different back then and both my parents were poorly parented. But it was my childhood and plenty of people didn't hit their kids. Children shouldn't grow up in terror.

For those who were smacked and it was fine, you were lucky.

I was smacked often by my mother (who was seen as strict by my peers). If I was being naughty - probably being horrid to my younger sister. It was never very hard, only on the bottom through clothes, and at the moment of transgression. I have seen my cat batting someone she is cross with in a similar way! My father smacked us only a couple of times in our lives, and we were scared of him doing it, as he smacked harder. If he was going to punish us, it would have been for something a lot more serious. I remember once running up the stairs and locking myself in the loo to avoid his punishment. He did not smack me after that, as was shocked that I was scared of him. My mother stopped smacking me when I laughed at her for it when I was around 12. As others have said, this was all in the context of a loving parental relationship, and was the way my mother had been brought up herself. I don’t feel any animosity towards my parents for it. I don’t feel it was abuse. In fact I want to strongly defend my parents against anyone who would say these smacks constituted abuse. I see it as VERY different from hitting, slapping faces, beating, caning etc.

I agree!
It probably did do harm if you feel it did no harm, if that makes sense! As in, it has shaped your world view to think that it wasn’t a big deal.

It was the done thing for most parents.

I remember one time my dad pulled the car over and had us turn to face the back of the seats so he could smack us. He really hurt me that time. I remember so vividly how furious he was and how scared I was. It was must so calculated with the turning round.

I also remember being sick in a shop and my dad literally dragging me by my arm crying to (quote) "give me a walloping". I don't remember what happened.

I have some sort of half memory of being smacked around the face and having a bruise but I've no idea if that's a real or not. I hope not but wouldn't be surprised.

My dad used to smack us and then send us to bed. When HE felt ready, he would come up and make friends with us, whether we were ready or not. He'd then talk about how it made him feel worse than it made us feel. If I didn't agree and look like I'd forgiven him, then he'd shout at me and say "cheer up or ill give you sonething else to cry about". Out of all of it, THIS is what makes me the most angry.

It was just... normal. It's weird because they weren't abusive parents (with a capital A). Theyd smack as punishment only but when I think about some of times it IS really horrible what they used to do. I'm like "they didn't abuse me but then again there was that time when..."

I am not comparing it to children who were abused with a capital A. 😓

I really struggle with it tbh. The other week I mentioned another instance to my husband (it was relevant to the conversation) and he looked horrified. I didn't really understand how awful it was until he looked at me like that.

If I did it to our child, I would fully expect him to (rightly) kick me out and go for sole custody.

Why would you hurt someone who you mean the world to and who utterly depends on you?

I'll never get closure on it and I doubt they'd even acknowledge half of it, or if they did, they'll try to justify it.

Mid 60s born - smacked maybe 2-3 times. However, think that growing up in a school environment which allowed throwing of blackboard erasers, smashing of yardsticks and the threat of the cane as well as a very shouty father has contributed to a fear of "authority" figures...I don't have kids but only once shouted at dear niece because she walked out of a restaurant and disappeared when I had her and her sister for the weekend - I still feel horrible about it - I was scared - no excuse.

I can vividly remember it.
I can’t understand how any parent would wait for the other to come home from work and get them to hit them. Like how would that conversation go? They’ve been so naughty this afternoon, they deserve to be smacked, or was it the go to reaction?
How could anyone allow this or think it was okay?

Interesting.

Alot of the time I didn’t know what I had done. Or whatever I had done had been acceptable until it suddenly wasn’t.
I remember the confusion and fear and shame.
My parents also had a godawful rule that afterwards they would hold you in a sort of restraint hold until you stopped crying and hugged them.

Yes, abuse.

I was smacked a fair bit. Face, legs, hand, belt.

A lot of the time I didn’t know why I was being smacked. I think my parents were just angry sometimes and it wasn’t about anything I did.

I remember at primary school the teachers were allowed to hit kids also. It was just how society was at the time.

Today we know there are better ways to discipline a child and smacking is not necessary.

I don’t think it did me any harm, if anything it was good to learn that life is unfair.

That said, when time comes those fuckers are going in a care home.

I was smacked a few times. It happened very rarely. But I remember it making me feel really sad. I remember the anger in my mum and I remember being really confused not understanding what I did wrong. Like genuinely thinking I had done nothing wrong. I wonder what it was that made her smack me. In my eyes she had lots control and overreacted

I was smacked (but only if I had done something naughty and my parents would explain after the smack why I had received the smacked bottom) but it was never very hard and I remember it was more the “shock” that would make me cry rather than the smack. I don’t have a problem with being smacked because I had a fantastic childhood, felt loved and the smacks were few and far between.
I think the different responses you are getting is dependent on how hard and often people got smacked. My mum would “warn” us that if we continued doing X then she would smack our bum, if we then continued she would give us one more warning then we got the smack. So I don’t/can’t blame my parents as I was fully aware that it was coming :)

I was just pondering this recently. I was smacked in anger and frustration and my relationship with my parents was crap. It’s abuse. You couldn’t do it an another adult if you were angry with them so why can you for children.

My parents used to shout / cry / overly discuss things/ guilt trip. I honestly think a quick smack would have been better. I was smacked a couple of times and it was less traumatic than other forms of punishment

I was smacked regularly with slippers, apparently I should have been grateful it wasn't a golf shoe with studs. I remember complying as I was scared, I grew up in an abusive household. I have never hurt my.kids. its unacceptable..I don't like my parents much as an adult.

I was smacked. I don’t think it was abuse. It didn’t bother me then and doesn’t now.

I don’t see anything wrong with it - I was smacked and it was never that it physically hurt, it was the shame you felt. You certainly didn’t rush to do whatever you were being punished for again.

Don't remember being smacked too much as a young child. As a teen I was smacked 3 times and all three times I thoroughly deserved it - back of the legs while running up the stairs as knew I'd been a total cow and pushed way too far

I was smacked, not just on the arse but across the face.

Now that I have my own children I’m really fucking angry about it. I look at my 4yo and I wonder how on earth someone could raise their hand to someone so small, and across her sweet delicate face.

They used to say to me if I had a daughter it would be payback. And do you know what it is, just not in the way they hoped, payback for all the love I never got, payback for all the happy memories I never got. My daughter is so like me, and she is lovable, I know that they were the problem, and I pity them.

My parents never smacked me, but I was smacked by 'childcare professionals' when left in their charge with both parents working. Nobody smacked me maliciously, it was only done when I was outrageously out of order, together with other culprits, and we agree we were nasty and vicious and devious. Again, nobody administered beatings - it was smacking. My coach shook us, smacked us, roughly corrected our mistakes, etc. - it was taken for granted. My figure got ruined by puberty, so I could not continue, but other girls who kept their figures, made it to Internationals with that coach, who was brilliant. In other words, smacking by strangers was no big deal - I don't know how I would have taken it from my parents, but bless them, they were too liberal and light-weight.

I was smacked. Over the knee pants down. I remember it as frightening and humiliating. My dad would do it and I’d have to queue up with my brothers for my turn. Horrible. But my dad hit us other times too. I do think it had a negative impact yes.

I was 17. Yet another slap over the face, can’t even remember why. I just got up, got dressed, left and spent the night someplace else, all without a word. She never raised a hand to me after that. I don’t know if it’s because she realised she didn’t have the power anymore (she tried to kick me out of the house a few times , to the point of slamming the door over my foot - I was 10) or having to explain to my dad where I was and why I went.

I think it varies. Some people may have had a light tap on the bum/hand.
Some may have had a slightly harder smack but very rarely.

I had smacks regularly and they often left red handprints on my legs so quite a few hours. My dad would hit me on the back of the head my mum would pin me up against the wall, sometimes grab me on my face. I'd he chased up the stairs scared about getting hit. Yes it's affected me. I've had many years of therapy. There were also other things too but I resent my parents for this. I asked my mum about this before. She said it never did you any harm. I told her she scared me and it hurt but no apology.
I don't hit my DS

Actually, I remember an incident when I would have been about six or seven. My sister (older than me) pinched me and left a bruise. In fast retaliation, Mum pinched her back and actually twisted out a lump of flesh from her upper arm. She was so upset she began sobbing and never used physical punishment after that.

We both bucked up our ideas after that. It was a sort of watershed moment.

On the other hand, my mum regrets (still)she didn’t smack me more. Apparently I wouldn’t have gone off the rails.

Doesn't bother me remotely and mum stepped up to the wooden spoon too.

I was smacked, not huge amounts but enough. I absolutely loved my mum and she was a really good mum but her hitting me never taught me anything. I just felt anger and resentment. I will never smack my children, instead we use consequences, discuss why rules are in place and boundaries. Smacking is a lazy way to discipline a child, but I think it was the acceptable thing to do then. Glad times are changing.