To ask how those of us who were smacked

Father...

Very rarely smacked, if he did it was an arranged, organised 'at 5pm you get two smacks with the wooden spoon (giant thing he used for getting malt out for beer making) for doing xyz heinous crime'... And that was it, you knew why, you knew when and then it was done.

Would I repeat it, is it ok, no... however it was predictable and therefore avoidable, I got better at not getting caught!

Mother...

Smacked me in the face, knickers down smacks in public, would smack repeatedly without any understanding of why, or for crimes I had no understanding of, such as 'tone of voice' or 'back chat', abstract concepts a 2/3/4 year old really can't grasp. She was wildly unpredictable and could go from smiles and happy to lashing out in a second. You never knew when it'd stop and her cure for the hysterical gulping crying was to hold my head under the cold bath tap (which tells you how little I was that she could physically do that, I was a sturdy child), so that I'd either shut up or drown.

She was always significantly more dangerous if we were on our own with her, Father or other adults around and she was much less likely to lash out (though she could stew on something and lash out about it later when there were no witnesses).

She was an abuser, she is why for years, I would lash out physically, I knocked her on her arse at 14 and realised I outweighed her by a fair bit and could fight back (she immediately started a long running script about how she was the victim and I was the abuser, despite this happening once and once only!).

Neither type of smacking did me any good and it took a very long time for me to be able to control my own emotions, to not burst into tears at the slightest thing (that is returning, thanks Peri!). I still cannot stand conflict, I can't even watch shouty tv shows or video clips, even the totally staged ones where people get shouty at each other!

I was smacked as a child by my mother who hit out when she lost her temper. My brother, who was naughtier than me, used to flinch whenever my mother raised her hand. One of the best things for me about leaving home at 18 was no longer having to live with that fear of being hit or her temper, and knowing that I didn't have to put up with that. When an ex hit me (just the once), I was out of there straight away,
My DM did apologise to me once. After I had left home, I came back to visit, and she slapped me. I told her off. That is the only time she remembers hitting me. She is not a bad person, but let her temper get the better of her. Looking after several children, and lack of sleep were also factors. It was also considered normal then. The cane was still used as a punishment when I was at secondary school in the 1980s.
I never hit my own DC and can't imagine assaulting them.
Unfortunately one of my DS inherited my DM's temper, and that has caused lasting damage to our relationship. I was so relieved when he finally moved out, and he will never live with me again.

I was smacked. Never bothered me as a child, or made me moderate my behaviour 🤪 I don’t think about it now and don’t think it affected me. That said, I won’t smack DC, largely because I don’t think it works.

i was smacked a lot and it made me lose respect for my parents which I am not sure I ever got back.
It made no sense to me as a child that a big person could hurt someone so small and at the same time preach about bullying and being kind. Fuck off seriously.
I became a lawyer and I’m pretty sure it was driven by a sense of righteous indignation at how the powerless are treated by the powerful.

Being smacked only taught me resentment and fear. The worst part was, once a teen, I had no safe communication with my parents. I had no guidance. I'd learned to be sneaky and quiet. I had a lot of bad things happen as I had no idea of the world, and no one to help when they happened. I hate them for that, still.

DH had it worse than me as his DM wielded fear as a weapon. He.struggles to communicate now. DH literally shuts down at conflict & nothing gets resolved. His DSIS ran away at 16 and the relationship was never repaired.

I'll never hit my kids & we do everything we can to keep communication open. I won't be letting my DC feel so alone in the world. My DM has hinted that she now knows their actions were wrong, so.thsts something, at least.

I was smacked very occasionally in a way that wasn't premeditated. I had either been very naughty or very rude. I do not have an issue.

My DC were very occasionally smacked in similar circumstances. They do not have an issue.

No more than one or two xmacks with a hand. Ever.

Less than can be counted on a hand and alongside love.

I think it was fine and have no issues with smacking on that basis. Except that not everyone smacks as mother and I did and there lies the rub. OTH my mother's emotional abuse was something else but left no marks.

I was hit across the back of my legs with leather dog leads by my step dad. My mum knew and agreed with the punishment.

Other times he would whack my back legs with his bare hands. He would make me move rooms so he had enough space for a full swing.

Fucking mental behaviour. A full grown man and a 7 year old girl. Monster behaviour.

I forgot to add, one time at my first office job, my manager was shouting at our team... he walked round the back of my chair and I fully ducked and instinctively covered my head. My manager was so shocked - obviously he wasn't going to hit me. It was a subconscious reflex.

I also think it does impact self esteem. Unless it's a 'reasonable' tap on hand when a toddler if about to touch an iron etc.

I wouldn't dream of hitting my children. The thought has never crossed my mind.

It's abuse and your feelings are validated - whatever they are.

I was smacked on the hands and bottom/ back of legs by my mum as a very young child (early 1980s) but there was never any real violent intent. I wasn't scared of her and it didn't hurt. It didn't affect me at all.

My father on the other hand, was an angry, impatient man. He slapped me round the face was about 11 years old because I was crying and he was trying to sleep. That really stuck in my mind. The fact that my mum was there and didn't say anything or protect me affected me more than any of the smacking she did.

I think context is everything with this issue, but I would never smack my own child because I wouldn't want to damage my relationship with her.

Edited for typos

I think my father in particular took out his frustrations in smacking us. He did no parenting, and I mean nothing. Never cooked us a meal, never even made himself a cup of tea, my mother did it all. Smacking us was a way of shutting us up. He was also emotionally abusive and would start an argument with me deliberately when I was in my teens in order to put me in my place. He then sulked at me when I was an adult AND wondered why I was very low contact with my parents.

My mother did smack us too, when she got angry. Neither parent smacked us frequently, though, but when my parents made it clear they thought I was ungrateful and didn't spend enough time with them, I used to think 'What goes around comes around.'

This. I don't know anyone who even gives it a second thought now and it certainly didn't traumatize me at the time.

I still remember the injustice of being smacked really hard at nursery for wriggling too much when it was nap time. (I never napped and just had to lay still with my eyes open for however long nap time was, as the teacher refused to let me read a book.) I wouldn't say it harmed me, as in there was no physical mark, but I did and still do think it was unfair and I didn't deserve to be smacked just because I turned onto my side because I was bored. But it was also still legal to cane children then, so I suppose it could have been worse.

I think people who say they were smacked and it hasn't harmed them, but they wouldn't smack their own children (I am one of them) may do so because times have changed. It's no longer socially acceptable to smack children and I think there is more adult reflection on being fair to the child and parents are more child centric. Children used to have to fit it in with adult lives and adult approaches to what was acceptable. There is a little more leeway for children now.

Could not agree more 👏

I was raised by my Dad, as Mum passed away when I was 5. I have 2 older siblings. I have painful memories of seeing him hit both of them. Also of a couple of occasions of where he grabbed me and smacked me over and over very hard and running upstairs scared and in agony with red marks all over my leg. One time I just remember standing talking and he flipped I wasn’t saying anything naughty. Although it wasn’t a regular thing it was enough. I get he was depressed in the early years, and he’s shrugged it off like because of that I should just accept it and it didn’t matter.

Things got better when the years went by and we don’t talk about it hardly now. We do have a good relationship. I get looking after the 3 of us must of been so hard for him alone, but them memories will always be there.

I would never smack my kids and would heavily judge anyone who did in this day and age. However I was an 80s child and my mum occasionally smacked me (not hard) and I didn’t really ruminate on it. I guess I just see it as part of the time, it didn’t damage me. I do think though that unfortunately the second hitting children is normalised it opens the door to genuine abuse and the lines become very blurred. I’m glad it is a thing of the past.

Aww, so sorry to hear that. I think because my dad's dad was a bully he chose not to be that man.
It's a bad day when you feel lucky not to have been beaten by your parents xx

It affected me. I was smacked - hard, delayed smacking at the end of the day (in late 1970s) - so when my dad got home. I cannot understand how this could happen. It hurt. I grew up thinking I was a naughty child. I really really wasn’t.

Ditto. I was (for the most part) a very well behaved child who didn’t want to do anything wrong and wanted to please my parents and teachers. Being naughty was of no interest to me.

I do remember being smacked but it was extremely rare.

I hold nothing against my parents for it.

I don’t have children so I can’t apply my feelings towards smacking my own child.

I was smacked a few times and I’m not upset about it at all.

I was raised by a very stressed single mother who screamed at me and smacked me regularly (less so my sibling). She once didn’t like the way I’d done some household task and dragged me by the hair down the corridor to correct it. Another time she didn’t like my “tone” and pulled over to the side of the road and made me get out of the car and walk an hour home, I was about ten I think. It’s definitely affected me; I have anxiety and low self esteem. As an adult I can see that she was having a difficult time and has always struggled to regulate her emotions - I love her and forgive her, but it’s hard to forget.

I don't remember being smacked much, but my parents weren't anti-smacking and I remember my siblings being smacked so I guess I was occasionally. It's had no bad effect.

I do have some other memories of being shouted at or grabbed by the wrist when it was not justified in my opinion and I remember being bothered about those things at the time. Also made to sit and stare at my meal until I found a way to spit it down the toilet or something...

Thankfully it is already banned in Scotland.

You're right. People on this thread are saying things like,"so long as it's done calmly and not in a temper it's fine", but then we have people saying, "I couldn't understand how my mum/dad could so calmly fetch their slipper and smack me". When research tells us that it is a poor method of discipline it begs the question why do it at all? Unless you actually enjoy hitting small children?

My brother & I were belted with a stick when we were young uns. All in the vain of "wait until your father gets home". I don't feel traumatised by it, twas a different time.

I was from a generation where smacking was the norm in respect of discipline. But there is a fine line between smacking and actually hitting, ie I used to not get a smack on the back of the legs, but was hit round the head and hit with a heavy hand accross my bum on numerous occasions. And it’s those smacks that stay with me. Where it almost feels like I was beaten up rather than being smacked.

We were very rarely smacked as kids. It was always a last resort for when we did something dangerous.

One night we set the living room carpet alight - my mum worked nights as a nurse, and our uncle would watch us overnight. He came to check on us. Of course the minute he went downstairs, we decided to make popcorn in a margarine tub, on a paraffin heater. The tub caught fire, fell on the carpet and burned a hole. We put it out, thinking we were smart and nobody would notice. Five minutes later our uncle comes running up the stairs having smelled burning plastic.

Our mum was so distraught when she got home, she didn’t even smack us. She cried. That feeling of disappointing her and her palpable fear has never left us.

I was born in the 60s and was smacked a handful of times in the context of a loving family. This is worlds away from what some of you are describing. It doesn’t bother me at all. I see it now as something that happened then but is inappropriate now - like not wearing a seatbelt. It never occurred to me to smack my kids as times had changed - any more than it occurred to me to fill my car with unrestrained children.