To think 50/50 childcare split sounds terrible

It is specifically designed to swap the 3? So if M=Mum and D=Dad, it goes 2M-2D-3M-2D-2M-3D over a 14 day period.

My child does Sunday/Monday/Tuesday with me, wed/Thur with dad and then we alternate Fri/sat. She is 8 and knows which day at dads etc. We started it at 3. She has never hated it, always gone well, bedtime routine is fine etc.

Provided he steps up and does as good a job as mum would, I don't think anyone has an issue with a father taking care of his own child. The question is whether an arrangement like this is unfair on the child. Kids need stability. 50/ 50 like this is a lot of back and forth, and potentially disruptive to the child.

These parents refuse to even speak to each other, and the child is only three. It sounds like it would be horrible for her.

I have a 50/50 split but it’s generally much more relaxed and flexible. We live close and the dc choose where to spend time although everyone is in one place for dinner. I tend to do activity runs so that also has an impact if one child is finishing something after bedtime. Split the weekend one day each unless other plans are made. I think it can work quite well provided you live close, plenty of communication and are happy to be child led/ centred. I don’t think I’d be keen on a 2/2/3 split. That sounds really challenging as would face to agree on activities and costs and things. Much easier to arrange swimming lessons if you know you can consistently take them rather than trying to convince your ex to go along to the pool in his nights.

I had this growing up as a child and hated it. I had weekends with my dad and weekdays with my mum and new partner, but stayed at my dads on Wednesday nights. Once he remarried I felt like a guest in both houses.

I didn’t have two sets of everything so had to pack a bag everywhere i went and was made fun of at school for carting a bag around everywhere. I lost stuff all the time and never felt properly settled until I bought my first house at the age of 26.

I felt anxious at every single drop off and changeover until i was old enough to get myself around on the bus. I guess it could work if both adults can be organised and behave civilly but that wasn’t my experience unfortunately.

Why not its Father?

It is often mum when they are very small, but it doesn't have to be.

It's easier to see the problems if you consider an infant, I am really hoping people wouldn't suggest an infant should be swapped back and forth every few days to make sure each parent had equal time. It would be completely destabilizing.

A three year old is still quite young and many of them don't like constant change and find it really stressful. And they have no way of communicating this or even understanding their own emotions.

It is possible to have a strong relationship with a non-resident parent, and to build that up to something like a 50/50 situation as they get a bit older. Although, I think that very frequently the kids preferences aren't actually considered, they are along for the ride and don't want to complain that they don't like it, or don't realize they could complain.

I know a lot of kids who, as they transitioned into the teen years, settled in one parental home and only visited in the other, and I think many probably wanted to earlier.

This child is three, I doubt he or she knows the days of the week, much less which one it is.

Might work if they do the “cuckoo” method, eg the kid stays in the same house and the parents are the ones that come and go.

Sounds awful to me. A three year old needs it's Mother.

Well as I said, I think 50:50 is ok for teens and tweens. But for younger kids I still think the NRP can be a fully involved parent even when the child is not sleeping at their house. If you pick up your child from school three days a week and give them tea, the fact that you are then dropping them home for bed doesn’t take anything away from you as a parent.

I think it’s gaslighting to pretend that it isn’t mainly a woman’s role. I don’t believe that it has to be in all cases, but 90% of the women I know do more for their kids than their partners and 90% of the time it’s at least partly because they want to. We shouldn’t be using children to prove a political point.

My daughter is 10, and we do 50/50, on a rolling thing of 3 nights. We suggested a week on/week off, but she wasn’t ready to spend so long without either parent, so we’re following her lead and letting her be comfortable. Other family members and friends have their own opinions about it, but it works for my daughter.. that’s the only opinion that counts.

On a practical level: we have enough school uniform and clothes to keep at each house. Other things like football kit, Brownies uniform etc, and more expensive toys (ie Switch), or particular things she wants to have with her get taken to whichever house it’s needed for. Yes, it can be difficult remembering things, but her dad and I make that our problem, not hers. We arrange pick up and drop off of items, mostly when she’s at school. It helps that we’re close enough in distance, and amicable enough to be helpful and flexible.

That’s good you would happily go to their dads house, but unfortunately that doesn’t happen for a lot of children.

I am sure you can have a strong relationship with both parents with different arrangements.
I wasn’t saying that other set ups don’t work. I was just saying going between houses can work for some.
My point about logistics was that I’d happily go to pick things up from their Dad’s house if it was needed to make things easier for my DC. That doesn’t have to be all down to the DC. I think it’s really black & white to say one particular way of sharing parenting can’t work or can’t be in the kids best interests.

It was all about him, he said he deserved 50/50, he never once said he thought it was what the kids needed… me if he had them more, but that wouldn't be better for them. Not every parent going for more time is doing it for selfish reasons.

exactly.

50/50 or every second weekend aren't the only choices, there's a world of options in between those. I'm sure 50/50 suits some kids, EOW might work best for others. Most of the families I know do some variation of 4-6 nights a fortnight at dad's.

Mine are at their dads 2 nights a week, that's more than enough because of what he's like. Our eldest had a breakdown because he was telling them he'd get 50/50 and they wouldn't see me for a week. It was all about him, he said he deserved 50/50, he never once said he thought it was what the kids needed. Sometimes it's the mum's that are shit, more often it's the dads. From my side of things it would be better for me if he had them more, but that wouldn't be better for them. Not every parent going for more time is doing it for selfish reasons. .

My DP has 2/2/3 (in reality 2/2/5/5) and it works really well. Child knows where they are on any given day and has a set routine. DSS has been much more settled since we started this routine (previously EOW due to controlling mother). He has two homes and two parents who love him, not one parent and one ‘distant relative’.

One of the biggest issues is it has to really be 50/50 shared parenting, I know a lot of families who have split up. I only know 1 that actually has real 50/50 co-parenting. Despite going on in mediation about how he'd stop working early on his days and prioritise time with the kids XH has never even tried to do this and I have to make sure everything happens in my time because he can't possibly get the kids to anything because he has to work, he earns a high wage very little of which is spent on the kids, because I'm too scared to claim child support. He was all talk about wanting 50/50 and I knew how it would go, and our eldest was terrified of that outcome, its one of the very rare times Ive managed to stand up to him but I don't think he actually wanted it, he didnt push at all. Studies show outcomes in divorce are massively effected by whether the parents can co-parent amicably or not. If you co-parent well how the time is divided is probably less important to getting a good outcome. 50/50 care needs good communication to work well. Given divorce happens when relationships break down there's less likely to be that good communication and that amicable relationship.

Yet, if you have read the thread, you'll see there are posters for whom it has worked, so clearly that isn't the 'only way'.

The children who do a day or two and then swap constantly struggle in my experience as they don't know if they're coming or going half the time, get worried about pick up times as they don't know who's collecting,etc.

Not my experience as a teacher of many, many children over the decades.

they don’t need to be moving between houses as much to have a strong relationship with both parents.

My parents would have said that me and my siblings were happy doing 50/50 as kids, but we were so miserable. We didn’t think there was any other option and didn’t want to upset either parent by saying we wanted to be with one more often than the other.

I remember someone asking which house was my home and I said I didn’t really have a home. I finally felt settled when I was mid-teens and I “picked” a house to spend more time in to make life easier, much to the upset of the other parent, and that still bothers me.

However it’s done it’s a pretty crap situation for the kids, however perhaps a full week with one and a full week with the other would have felt a bit less stressful than changing through the week.

I think it's because those particular men never did 50/50 of anything when they in a relationship with the mother. They split up and suddenly he wants them half the time.

IF you're going to do 50/50 with very young children, the only way it really works is a full week with mum/a full week with dad/and so on. The children who do a day or two and then swap constantly struggle in my experience as they don't know if they're coming or going half the time, get worried about pick up times as they don't know who's collecting,etc. It's really hard on them ime

All kids have to remember which day to take their gym bag & homework. If kids live in two houses they have more clothes so don’t have to move them from one house to another. Surely a bit of logistics of moving sports kit & school books around, that the parents can help with, is worth it to allow both parents to have a strong relationship with their children.