To think 50/50 childcare split sounds terrible

My ex said he wanted 50/50 at first (including the most marvellous entry in his proposal of which days/holidays he wanted: 'February')

Of course he'd had the kids alone for less than a week their entire (primary school aged) lives, so I knew he wasn't serious, and sure enough, when I asked for a little explanation of how he saw it working he ghosted me and my solicitor for 3 months.

So now he sees them whenever he wants, with 3 weeks notice (so that'll be 2 Saturdays a month then..)

OP - before you wade in, it highly depends on the current setup, and if since it's acrimonious I really wouldn't think that the first offer is serious rather than a punishment.

That’s tough for a child that young. It’s going to be even tougher if one parent is refusing to talk to another properly because that level of to-ing and dro-ing needs a lot of communication.
poor kid.

I'd lose my mind if I had to pick up all my stuff and shift home every three/ four days and had to live with different people with different rules, routines and expectations. What a fucking ball ache that would be, but children have to just make do with the scraps their parents give them in an effort to achieve their own brand of fairness all the while talking about how kids are adaptable.

Yes it's a lot of pressure and burden on a child to make them choose

But I think they need to get hands on and competent first and then gradually increase their time, not just give 5050 (IF dad isn't competent) and then hope he'll learn on the job, how is that fair on a child when she has a parent she is well attached to that knows how to care for her well already

Does she mind going back and forth?

Trying to stop him do too much harm while trying to help them have a relationship..: this is my life

I disagree, if my ex did 5050 on overnights m I know he would do lazy dinners and tv /video games and I would do ferrying to activities, homework, spelling test revision, dentist, shoe shopping, haircuts, booking the admin for school... just life if we were still a couple. my ex would therefore be the chill out fun one and I would be the stressy one giving chores and jobs to the child, they wouldn't have quality time with me

I grew up in a 50/50 house and loved seeing my dad equally, I loved my dad and didn’t want to go long without seeing him! It’s meant I’m close to them both. I think it’s also good for dads to learn to step up, and mums to also have free time.
It helps that they got on well

Hmm myself and ex did 50/50 from the time DS was 5. Although we hadn't lived together before so he was quite used to both houses. Was never an issue

Haven’t read the full thread, but we do 2/2/3 for our primary school aged DD and it works great. We regularly check in with her and she says this is how she wants to do it. She is very close with both me and her dad and she doesn’t like the idea of being away from either of us for more than a couple of days at a time.

We do need to be quite on it to make sure things like pe kit/school shoes/ lunch boxes end up in the right house at the right time, but we have spares and she takes her sleeping bear with her in her bag to school on transition days. We are also both happy to drop stuff to the other house if she wants it as we live near each other

If at any point she wants to change it (and I imagine she will as she gets older) then that’s fine, but for now she is very happy with it

Pity all men weren’t the same
wanting 50/50 !!
That’s not what went on with my Ex ( arsehole )🙄..
2 nights at moms , 2 nights at dads , weekend then either mom’s weekend or dad’s weekend 🤷🏻‍♀️..
It is a pity alright parents don’t speak ..
All situations different though & that’s the way it goes sometimes unfortunately..

I presume if there was more 50/50 there would be less complaints of 'Disney dads'

Quelle suprise

Ah sorry I misunderstood, so it’s like a 2,2,5,5.

We do similar to this and it works well. DD is very close to both of us & her elder DBro (different dad) and wouldn’t want to go a week without seeing one of us. She is a happy kid. She’s 9 now but if she wants to change when she’s older we’ll work something out. We both work full time so share the school run.

It does require a high level of cooperation - I get on very well with ex DP & we’re very flexible with each other. We’re in touch almost every day. I don’t think it would work if we didn’t get on well.

I suppose the proof of it's 'terrible' in a few years when all the children of divorce where 50/50 has become the norm speak out. I would hate 50/50 but would do it if I thought it was in my children's best interest.

It can and does work for some friends but this is as it works for the parents - they get free time to date/holiday and get to see the children, their kids seem okay with it at the moment.

My parents had this arrangement with me from the age of 8.

It resulted in me feeling very unwanted as a child, with a sense of being shifted from place to place, and being the messenger if one parent wasn’t happy about the other changing days (adding to the sense of being unwanted, because as a child my perspective was I seemed to be an inconvenience to them both).

That was all despite, as an adult, knowing my parents love me very much. I had counselling as an adult and discovered my memory of childhood was feeling unwanted, which was very upsetting.

As an adult, it has given me an unusually strong focus on creating a stable home life and an aversion to change generally.

Thought I’d share that perspective, for what it’s worth.

It's not ideal, is it? No family break up ever is.

It will be difficult at first, but it will become routine in time.

I know something similar with two houses. The parents take turns at the other house and the kids stay in the family home.

I’m divorced 2 years now and we’ve done exactly the split your friend has had proposed to her since we split. DC was 4 at the time (just). I didn’t want it as had been primary care, but was advised by my lawyer that if ex went to court for it, she’d get it. I had severe misgivings but agreed to it and it has worked fine for DD ever since. We do live close to each other though and handovers are mainly through school (nursery to begin with).

Divorce is hard. Best not to make it harder for the child by fighting over something that in most cases will be ordered by the court anyway.

Even if both parents want and are capable of real 50/50 it should still be about the best interests of the child. I think the ideal is parents working together, with the children if theyre old enough, to work out what their kids really need and leaving their own ego and wants out of it. It shouldn't be about what is fair to the parents or having equal time, but what is right for their child/children. Personally I'd take the happy 50/50 coparenting arrangements some PPs have over mine any day, unfortunately that isn't an option. I'm simultaneously trying to make sure my ex doesn't do too much harm while trying to support the kids to have a meaning relationship with him. If it wasn't for me he'd have no relationship with our eldest at all. As it is I fear it will still end up that way and if it does it won't be because of me.

I think everyone involved, parents, court, social services should keep an open mind when working out shared parenting arrangements and not go at it from any set expectation like assuming 50/50 or equally assuming it'll be EOW. The needs of the children should be paramount and arrangements should be reconsidered if children ask for them to be or if it becomes obvious they're not working. There is no universal best answer, it is always child dependent.

😔

I think that's the point though. The first 2 are always mum's 2 days (Monday and Tuesday), the second two days are always dad's days (Weds/Thursday) and then the 3 days get alternated so week one that would mean mum gets Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Then the second week dad gets Weds, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun. In terms of clubs and activities, its only the Friday/weekend stuff that needs sorting out. The other 4 days are clearly defined.

When I first saw it mentioned it seemed like a lot of swapping about, I presumed it meant the children swap houses every 2 days, but as other posters have pointed out, the 2 and 3 can run on together into a 5, so it isn't quite so disruptive as it might first appear.

Having 2 fixed days each is a good plan, and then splitting the weekends alternately means each parent gets some downtime with the DCs and some downtime to themselves. It seems like the best case scenario for two decent parents tbh (where one parent is lacking then I don't think any version of 50/50 is ideal) and it means both parents can plan their work and social lives better than doing one week on, one week off.

I'd be open to it if my DCs were young again. I got one or two nights a week without them, which was really hard to start with, but as I got used to it and their dad got better at parenting them it would have been great to have fixed days instead of whichever ones he happened to be free.