Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH add me on the mortgage?

209 replies

Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 15:42

I'm not sure if this is being posted under the right section but I need advice please.

I got married in Jan 2023 and moved to (big) city where DH lives.

Prior to that I lived in a smaller city. Had a decent job. No debts apart from a small bal CC being paid off monthly. I could save etc.

I had to quit my job for the move as my employer was a small local company.

The plan was to get a job asap before starting a family. Well we got pregnant with DC pretty quickly after..
DC is now 1.5 yo and attends daycare part time. I'm mainly responsible for all DC care and cooking, housekeeping etc as expected.

I don't get any reward for this and DH believes it's my responsibility as it's my 'contribution' to our home. He says if I need more money I need to find paid employment.

I resumed job hunting once DC started daycare. No luck yet.

We never discussed joint accounts etc as I thought the conversation would happen naturally. But currently I am not listed on any of our household documents, not on the mortgage or any bills. DH manages everything. He said there's really no need as he's happy to pay without my help.

We have no joint accounts. I do not know what DH saves or invests. I do not know his earnings etc he would give me a ballpark if I ask. He is in a specialist private sector and I am certain he earns a decent wage.

Is it possible that DH hides these things intentionally so I don't know how much money we have?

DH doesn't believe I should have any expenses apart from food and shelter. He believes doing things like getting my hair done is an unnecessary expense until I can afford to pay myself.

I now use my little savings to pay my CC monthly or to do things for myself. He says thr debt is mine . I'm not a reckless spender. I cann't even afford coffee dates with friends.

I really would like to go back to work as I do enjoy being financially independent and doing things for myself.

Having DC changed me and I completely lost confidence in myself and didn't think I was good enough to find a job. i'm just coming out of that and upskilling but DH somehow believes it's my fault for not finding a job.

I think DH sees me as a financial liability and I wonder if he is 'protecting' his assets so he has control over everything as the sole breadwinner.

I guess I need some advice or opinion on how to make this situation more fair but I don't know how.

YANBU: to request for DH to put me on the mortgage atleast.
And if so what difference will that make if I can't even contribute?.

YABU: DH doesn't need to put you on any documents.

We are legally married (for context regarding any advice). Anyone with any advise or in a similar situation? What's working for you currently?

Thanks for reading!!!

OP posts:
0ohLarLar · 17/03/2025 15:51

You are married so it doesnt make a massive difference if you are on the mortgage, you have rights any way.

Nonetheless you've got about 5 red flags here. It just sounds like you've not communicated at all about life plans e.g. did he want a child then? It doesn't sound like he wants to support a sahm. Why is your DC in childcare if you aren't at work? Who pays for it?

He sounds abusive re thinking you need no money except food & shelter.

Hoppinggreen · 17/03/2025 15:51

Its sounds like you are being financially abused
If you did get a job would your H do more of the house/child jobs? I doubt it
As for the mortgage the house (and possibly more) is a marital asset so thats not too much of a worry

Cattery · 17/03/2025 15:49

Can’t get your hair cut unless you get a job? What I’m reading is almost medieval

coxesorangepippin · 17/03/2025 15:49

You need to get a job and get on the mortgage

If he doesn't put you on the mortgage, get a job and then leave him

He's fleecing you, big time.

Mooselooseinmyhoose · 17/03/2025 15:48

There's no point looking at what you should have done before marriage if you're married now.

Going "on the mortgage" only gives you a liability. It doesn't offer you security. The fact that you're married means half of everything is yours.

I wouldn't put myself onto a liability and I'm not sure a bank would add you if you're not earning.

Your bigger issue is.. is this the life you want? With a man who treats you this way? Of course you should have a joint account or access to shared money. My dad in the 80s paid my stay at home mum a "housekeeping" wage which was hers to do with whatever she wanted in recompense for being a stay at home mum.

Are you happy in other ways because this is a huge red flag.

Dreamskies · 17/03/2025 15:47

I can’t see how being on the mortgage would benefit you, and frankly, you have much bigger problems than that.

anniegun · 17/03/2025 15:46

It is possibly a bit late but you should sit down and have a frank and open discussion about family finances.

Upsetbetty · 17/03/2025 15:45

How long did you know him before you got married? How do you not know anything and WHY did you agree to marry him when you have very little financial knowledge etc?

Moonnstars · 17/03/2025 15:44

Why have you married someone and had children with them without discussing any of this beforehand? You don't sound like you are partners at all.