To not want to be DP’s tenant?

Unfortunately your DP doesn't see you as a financially stable partner so he is protecting himself. I can understand that. If you buy together you'll have a joint mortgage which you are both equally liable for. I should imagine your DP is worried what would happen if you stop paying your share of the mortgage. I think you need to move out and get your own place or stick with a cheap rent (living costs that you've mentioned such as food, bills, etc aren't rent). The money you save put into into an investment ISA and start building up some capital behind you. After 5 years have another discussion. If you DP sees you've been sensible they may be more willing to buy together.

He can't afford the new house unless he charges you rent.

By the sounds of it you can't afford to buy on your own so need to go in with him to get a foot on the housing ladder.

As others have pointed out you could buy as tennnants in common where your respective shares are protected. You both get the new house and you get a foot up onto the housing ladder. If you split you'd both share in any equity that's been made.

He doesn't want that as he wants to keep all of the equity for himself and you are effectively homeless.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with that as it just feels wrong. Although there are arguments to say that you'll need to pay rent wherever you live it feels like a huge imbalance of power in your 'committed relationship' to be paying him rent.

I would be upfront and say that you won't be paying rent and you're happy to purchase as tenants in common. If he doesn't like that idea and still wants to buy the new house then he'll need to work out how to fund it and you'll need to find some alternative accomodation.

Actually quite a sad situation for you op.

@barhumbug haven't read it all got the point he wants you to pay rent.
First house totally understandable the dynamic as it was .
New house no way .
He isn’t stretching himself for you both he is doing it as he knows he can get your rent to pay the difference in the bigger mortgage .
He knows exactly what he is doing and this is not a partnership he is out for himself .
This is not the man for you . .

If this was as serious relationship he would be saying ok let’s buy a home together now .
He could still keep the old house safe .
Honestly he is showing you exactly what he thinks and is sorting himself out you are not his life long partner in his eyes .

Eg would it be cheaper to move to a slightly cheaper area and be a lodger? You must be paying a good chunk of his council tax/bills etc, would lodging elsewhere be cheaper and give you more spare cash to invest, save or plough into your pension?

Keep saving as best you can so if this upsize happens in 5 years if he won't get a joint mortgage/tenants in common then you are in a position to get your own place.

I think that is a reasonable, actually honourable choice if they are not married. If she wants a more committed relationship, perhaps she should discuss marriage.

I feel for you, because you’re right, there isn’t really any more tangible way to show commitment to a long term future together in your circumstances other than buying a house together, children or marriage, which you explain are all off the table.

I wouldn’t want to be there to facilitate this dream of a larger house without any security for myself. I’d definitely be planning for a future that didn’t involve him as clearly that’s what he is doing. It doesn’t mean you have to split up right now, but I’d be prioritising saving money and financial freedom rather than getting further enmeshed into his life’s plan of which you are mere scenery.

But op us using him to pay off her debt and save money?

I’d rather know now if he has no intention of building that future with me so I’m not wasting my time

But you do know that he has no intention of building a future with you. He’s telling you that. He is refusing any form of commitment and isn’t concerned about you or your future.

I think you need to stop making excuses for him. Your ex was a cocklodging twat and because this one is a different kind of twat, you’re clinging to the idea that everything is fine and this relationship is good. But it’s not really, it’s just a different type of bad than you’re used to.

As you said, don’t waste your time. There are men that would be delighted to marry you and buy a house together, that wouldn’t shy from commitment. That’s what you want so you should go find one of them instead of settling for the scraps this guy is offering.

I am in the same boat as you on this one, OP.

First of all, do not buy a BTL. You have already outlined above why this is not a good option for you. As a property owner who now lets that property, I can confirm that if everything goes perfectly, sometimes it is fine. However, tenants can be late on rent, boilers need replacing, wear and tear necessitate repairs, and in the UK you also have to remortgage every 2-5 years with all the associated fees and potential impact of interest rises.

On the committment point, can you seek out counselling? Or the advice of a trusted friend? Many on here recommend The Freedom Programme from Women's Aid after abusive relationships.

I say this because you say he is lovely but your bar is quite low, and you have had a really rough time so "ok" might seem "really good" to you. I don't mean for that to sound patronising. Also, because men who do not want to commit will not commit and you cannot waste your life waiting for him to decide what you will do.

I was 30+ and my ex was 40+ with one DC, and I asked him quite early on what I could expect with regard to living together, finding a new place together, buying together or starting a family together. I wasn't expecting concrete answers, but wanted to open a discussion about what I could/could not expect in the relationship. He hummed and hawed and said "not now, but not never". He would not be pushed and no amount of talking negotiating, cajoling, crying or shouting could actually make him commit to anything. After months of non-response to any of these questions, I just bought my own place, a decision he "felt left out of". We split over 3 years ago, and he still cannot say what he'd actually like to do in life.

This is not a direct comparison, but set yourself a deadline. You've made the suggestion, given him the information about Tenants In Common and ringfencing your respective contributions, say to him "I'd like to revisit this in 3/6/12 months".

Educate yourself in that time, see a mortgage lender, read up on different ownership models, keep an eye on what you can afford alone/as a couple. If in 3/6/12 months he's not looked into it and is not prepared to give you answer, you know that he is not committed to you.

This is completely fair.

I have been on the other side of this and what you are suggesting which is that you can “buy in” to the new home is completely fair.

If you sit him down and explain this and he cannot see what he is suggesting is disproportionately negative punitive to you… as it blocks you from achieving any financial security whilst he doubles down on his financial security… then honestly I would exit the relationship because he is just a landlord you shag, not a life partner.

There is no way this level of self interest is not going to be confined to one area.
god forbid you get sick, or a parent die and you need emotional support.…

this wishy washy maybe is not the right response. He needs to say yes or no.
if he won’t clearly agree to buy together start planning to get out of the relationship and let him buy his dream house and get a lodger.

this is an orange flag.

because now your trying to find a financially equitable solution he's being wishy washy.
do not become your partners lodger. either you stay put or buy something together as TIC.

Even if he helped you get out of debt by not charging you rent that does not mean you are not entitled to want to build something for yourself now.

With you contributing to bills and food etc you also helped him afford his mortgage and white goods.

I think he is taking advantage of your position a little.

Your plan sounds good, or as someone else suggested buying yourself a little house as your investment if that is possible.

Do neither of you have kids? Does he have any plans to protect you if he suddenly died? Or would he be happy for his next of kin to put you out on the street?

After four years together I’d expect a partner to make some provision. Just in case.

Depends on what kind of future you want. If it’s a fully shared life, marriage, kids then this will not work. If you’re looking for an ltr, no kids, you need to buy somewhere yourself. You need a frank discussion about your future.

Do you have wills - are you his beneficiary? Has he at least considered leaving you enough to house yourself? Same thing with a death in service payment/pension/life insurance.

Have you considered setting up power of attorney for each other for health and for finance?

Without these steps you could be together decades and have to move out with nothing if your partner died. You could also find that you are not considered next of kin for decision making re health decisions.

My guess is he wouldn't want to do these things because he is not committed to you. I Hope that is not the case.

Is it your choice to stay child free/not possible to have children or is it another of his choices that you have accepted?

It’s really not that easy to make money from one BTL, you could easily make a loss. Invest your spare cash elsewhere - I’m sure your BF has a pension and savings and investments.

Why would you assume you would only pay £500? Do you have any concept of interest rates and what size of a mortgage £500 would finance?

Why would it be his responsibility to facilitate OP's financial security, in the absence of any career or financial detriment arising from having children, if they're not doing this. If he were my son I'd be advising him to keep his finances seperate, and continue to do so.

Arguably she's in a much healthier financial position now than when they met, having enjoyed living in a nice property in a desirable part of town that wouldn't have been possible otherwise, plus being able to clear her debt and get back on her feet. She's already feeling the benefit.

Well, she is quite entitled to leave and live somewhere else.

I still maintain that if the genders were reversed the answers on here would be different.

Why would she have nothing though? He has subsidied her living costs for a large part of the last 4 years allowing her to get out of debt. Why can’t she make her own financial contribution? She works, she does isn’t at home raising his kids so what is it his responsibility to ensure her financial security in the event of a split?

You can own a house together to show commitment, as PPs have advised, as tenants-in-common with your ownership share being reflected by what you contribute to a deposit and mortgage repayments (his ownership share would obviously be considerably larger than yours due to all the reasons you've given). This is an entirely fair arrangement for both of you and if you've already discussed this with your DP and you say he's OK with this suggestion, I don't see the problem. BUT, your original post isn't entirely clear: are you saying he wants you to start paying rent now, or in, say, five years time when he wants to upsize? If it's the former, this is not fair on you and you must not do it as you would have no guarantee of seeing any return on that money. For this reason, I've voted YANBU.

there's only 2 of you unless you are expanding your family moving for parking and a guest room to the top of his budget is silly.

move somewhere more affordable that you can both contribute to or stay where you are. do not pay rent to him and help pay off his mortgage with no rights.