To not want to be DP’s tenant?

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

Because she wouldn’t be buying jointly because she has no money!

Why would she be homeless?. Where was she living before she moved in with him?.she can always rent somewhere to live

Nobody is saying he has to house her, it's more the issue that he is not letting her buy jointly with him, whilst protecting his own assets. This therefore prevents her from buying on her own.

He can of course do what he wants, as can the OP, but in this scenario, personally I would walk away.

Exactly!. Men qre always expected to house women on here and put them on their deeds if she were a man, she would be a "cocklodger"

Plus the OP could feather her own nest with the money she’s saving on not needing to pay market rents

She gets a roof over her head. She would have to pay more elsewhere .cutting off the nose to spite the face

This. 100%. It's a hill I would die on; paying him rent just further feathers his nest, whilst you get nothing in return.

Wouldn’t you be more concerned that your dc make relationships based on love rather than someone of equal finances? Obviously no one wants their dc to be taken advantage of, but every poster has suggested that the op should get only a proportion of the new property not a 50:50 split.

I'm spit balling! So thank you for the information.

Would he have to inform his house insurance and morgage company that he is doing this?

He is making financial decisions first and the OP is simply a useful pawn in this.

I don't blame him protecting what he has earned, but the OP needs to fully accept that his head is where he can full utilise and monetise their relationship so that HIS assets grow without fear of him ever having to share them, while enjoying the comforts of a paying partner providing house comforts and sex.

Only the most desperate of poor women would find this an attractive future.

If he doesn't care what happens to her in the event of a breakup or his death, he's being a pretty rubbish partner.

And what plans is she putting in place to pass assets to her partner in the event of a breakup or death?
Or is it only men judged by the ludicrous suggestion to plan for his ex’s financial future in the event of a breakup?

She wouldn't be a tenant and nor would anyone else. As someone living with their landlord and sharing a kitchen, she would be an "excluded occupier" under housing law and the only right she would have is to receive "reasonable" notice, which could be as little as one week (although could be a month if she were to pay him rent monthly).
The point about him paying tax on any rent she pays is a good one though (although given the thought he seems to have given to his proposal, I'd be surprised if he hasn't considered this).

If OP shares this man's home and contributes to his mortgage for years or decades and then break up or he dies, she will end up homeless while he benefits from owning a house either outright or with more equity than there would have been without her contribution. This isn't fair on her.
If he doesn't care what happens to her in the event of a breakup or his death, he's being a pretty rubbish partner. Couples are supposed to care about each other's wellbeing.
There are other solutions than owning a house 50/50 together. She could own a smaller percentage than him, or instead of paying into his mortgage she could put the money into savings so at least she would have a deposit to buy or rent on her own.

Is he paying her for sex, she doesn't enjoy the sex?. Is she having sex with him for the house?