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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to be DP’s tenant?

338 replies

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 14:24

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 19/03/2025 04:28

Whattodo12e · 18/03/2025 19:17

@barhumbug I'm aksing because if your younger ie under 40, negotiate rent to him right down and throw all your money into a index fund sticks and share isa. Forget about rentals

Negotiate because your a lodger but in his bed had have no rights like an official Tennant... Get it low and then chuck money into stock market index fund.

He grows his asset and you grow yours also don't tell him about it.

Edited

Exactly. She can grow her own money too

ncanon88 · 19/03/2025 01:53

I bought a house with my then DP (now DH) in a similar situation. He was older with a decent chunk of savings for a deposit, whereas I had no savings. So we worked out what my share was based on the amount I would be contributing to the mortgage vs. what he would be contributing to the mortgage (and taking account of him putting in the whole deposit) and split ownership accordingly.

It means only 20% of the house is in my name and the rest is in his name. The legal term for this is "tenants in common in unequal shares". It was pretty straightforward for our solicitor to set this up.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 19/03/2025 01:30

I think as things stand OP, I would let things ride for the moment and continue to quietly save. Then, if he decides that he does want to go for the bigger house, I would tell him that either we agree to buy together, with percentages agreed, and protected, OR I would be buying alone, and we either end the relationship, or continue the relationship, on the basis of not living together, but being friends with benefits if you will. I definitely wouldn't move in and be paying him rent, that would be a fools game for you, leaving you totally vulnerable, and if he's not prepared to make a full commitment to the relationship, then you're better off living apart, each paying your own expenses. He can then get a lodger in if that's how he plans to fund buying HIS bigger house, and you, of course, could do likewise.

user1492757084 · 19/03/2025 00:47

Three choices..
Let him buy a smaller house (or stay where he is) and you save a deposit for your own investment house.

Buy the larger house as tenants in common with unequal shares to reflect what you both contribute.

Buy two properties together. One large and one small both as tenants in common with the understanding that if you split up you take over the mortgage of the smaller home and he, the larger one.

CoastalCalm · 19/03/2025 00:17

We had a similar arrangement but then got married and set up tenants in common protecting the equity from my home when we bought a new home then again revised figures when we moved a second time , only me on mortgage but pay 50/50 for everything and that way DH benefits from any increase in house value plus the equity built up from last two properties

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 19/03/2025 00:05

I would be very uncomfortable in your position. I agree with you that his plans leave you extremely vulnerable.

He holds all the cards

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/03/2025 00:02

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 14:46

@DoYouReallyno I haven’t been living ‘rent free’ the past 4yrs, I have been paying a contribution to the bills/running costs/paying for food etc which is roughly equivalent to a cheap rental price for the area. So essentially anything I’m ‘using’ day to day I pay towards but not the mortgage (at his insistence).

That's not rent though

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/03/2025 00:01

If he won't marry ever what's the plan long term re old age and wills etc
Would he be up for a civil partnership

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/03/2025 00:00

I think you should tell him you're not up for paying rent so either you buy together ( with a deed of trust protecting him) or you stay where you are or you move out (and be someone else's lodger / buy your own place and just stay over at his/ but he'll be in charge of all the decor and cleaning and cooking at his own house now!)

Mumlaplomb · 18/03/2025 22:25

He’s not acting like he’s in this for the long haul OP.
As others have said, you could buy a house together and could ring fence his deposit to protect his contribution, but you could build up some equity too.
I’m sure he knows this but is acting suprised by you suggesting it.
it seems he’d rather you just stay as his lodger girlfriend subsidising his larger home while having no security yourself.
Push him on this and consider whether it’s time to move out if he is going to want you to start paying more to live with him in the new house. This plus the not wanting to get married suggests this one isn’t a keeper.

Isinglass20 · 18/03/2025 22:18

There is a point when reading responses which more or less set out the same facts.

And the OP cannot or is unwilling to recognise the reality of her situation.

And will not even engage and recognise that she appears to be repeating the responses in her past which led to poor outcomes.

All that can be hoped for is that these responses on MN gives her pause for thought.

Letstrythatagaineh · 18/03/2025 22:12

Cattenberg · 17/03/2025 15:17

He isn’t really committed though. With this arrangement, he has all the financial security and you have none.

Show quote history

The OP didn't come to the relationship with financial security, she came with debts but now has savings because of him.

Spirallingdownwards · 18/03/2025 22:08

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 14:46

@DoYouReallyno I haven’t been living ‘rent free’ the past 4yrs, I have been paying a contribution to the bills/running costs/paying for food etc which is roughly equivalent to a cheap rental price for the area. So essentially anything I’m ‘using’ day to day I pay towards but not the mortgage (at his insistence).

This indicates that you have been living rent free as you have paid towards other costs and bills but nothing for actual "rent" or "mortgage". If the amount was equivalent to rent you would have had rent plus hills if renting alone.

rwalker · 18/03/2025 21:58

KatyaKat · 18/03/2025 16:32

Nobody is saying he has to house her, it's more the issue that he is not letting her buy jointly with him, whilst protecting his own assets. This therefore prevents her from buying on her own.

He can of course do what he wants, as can the OP, but in this scenario, personally I would walk away.

Show quote history

Buying together is problematic due to the fact there’s an enormous difference in equity that both are bringing to the table in literally hundreds of if thousands off one and next to nothing off the other

EuclidianGeometryFan · 18/03/2025 21:30

Tell him that you will not be paying rent. You will only pay your share of the bills, as you have until now. He can accept that, or you split up.

If he refuses to go for sharing the property and mortgage with you (as described up thread), then instead put whatever money you can into a private pension for yourself, and an 'emergency' fund in case you do need to move out.

CleverButScatty · 18/03/2025 21:21

SometimesCalmPerson · 17/03/2025 18:17

I understand he has worked very hard for his home and I wouldn’t want to take any of that away from him.

If that’s true then you need to respect his wishes. I’m in a similar position to him, and if my DP only wanted to be with me because I could be his ticket to getting on the housing ladder, I’d tell him where to go.

The problem with you paying the mortgage on a new home would be that you would have the right to force a sale, so even if he got his money back he’d still lose his home. It’s not his fault that you didn’t have a home before you got together and he did and it’s not fair that he should take a risk when you only stand to gain.

That's the risk he takes if he wants to move to a bigger house and is factoring her contribution (even if it is smaller) in the affordability.

CleverButScatty · 18/03/2025 21:16

Pigsears · 17/03/2025 15:13

Huh? Financially abuse her ? How exactly?

Show quote history

By asking her to contribute towards the the mortgages costs of the future property without accruing a relative amount of capital.
The situation up until now has been quite fairer, she's doesn't pay towards the mortgage and has no rights over the property.
Going forward he wants her. To contribute 'rent' i.e. money towards the mortgage whilst not benefitting from the investment of that in the house.
I would not be up for moving in your situation.
I would stay where you are. He's investing in a property that is only he owns. You can save into a pot that only you own. That's fair.

sunshinestar1986 · 18/03/2025 21:04

Just stay in the current property and continue paying nothing and save for your own place.
Otherwise
You have all the risk with no benefits

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 18/03/2025 20:58

DoYouReally · 17/03/2025 14:37

You have managed to get yourself out of debt because you have been living mortgage and rent free due to him.

You wouldn't be without that.

You know also want to continue to live rent free - again.

I think he's absolutely right. You have poor finances. He has good ones.

I suspect that he will end up getting a tensnt for the new property to assist with the tent in reality. Not sure where that will leave you.

A wise choice for you both is to seek legal advice - ringfenced his contributions and possible split the repayments in accordance to thus also do if he contributes 90% overall that's his share.

Totally agree. Imagine a man trying to get payments on a woman's mortgage, he'd be told to sling his hook, and rightly so.

If 4 years, no engagement, and he doesn't want to get married, I'd cut my losses OP.

He should know and trust you by now, it's been 4 years!
If he's still unsure/wishy washy, not sure he'll change.

TwinklySquid · 18/03/2025 19:51

If you aren’t getting married, you can draw up an agreement that he retains x amount should you decide to sell.

Do not pay to be a tenant with nothing to show for it. If you split, you have nothing.

He doesn’t want marriage and he doesn’t want you to be link financially. So where does that leave you should something goes wrong? While he might be lovely in other ways, he is pushing you to be in a situation that puts you at huge risk. I couldn’t sleep at night like that.

Whattodo12e · 18/03/2025 19:17

@barhumbug I'm aksing because if your younger ie under 40, negotiate rent to him right down and throw all your money into a index fund sticks and share isa. Forget about rentals

Negotiate because your a lodger but in his bed had have no rights like an official Tennant... Get it low and then chuck money into stock market index fund.

He grows his asset and you grow yours also don't tell him about it.

Whattodo12e · 18/03/2025 18:51

@barhumbug how old are you

KatyaKat · 18/03/2025 18:50

Josiezu · 18/03/2025 18:31

Because it’s impossible to fully protect the investment of the larger party. If the BF puts in 150k, OP puts in 10k or even nothing and then “shares” the very small mortgage she’s then given an equal voice in him selling and regaining his contribution. If they break up and she drags out the sale, or doesn’t agree to it the has a disproportionate amount of power compared to the very small amount she has contributed towards the property.

She is able to contribute to a mortgage. Therefore why shouldn't she be able to, and build her own share of the equity in the house
Probably the same reason anyone with no money isn’t able to build equity in a home, because they can’t afford to buy it.

Not sure what but you’re not full understanding
Its you that seems to have a very limited understanding of buying property.

Show quote history

No, I really don't have a limited understanding of buying property.

As I said, he's entitled to do what he wants, as is she, but in her position, I would not agree to paying him rent, because it doesn't make financial sense for her. Of course, it might not make financial sense for him either, but that probably means they're incompatible because they want different things. It doesn't take away from the point that as far as the OPs question goes, no, she should not pay him rent.

Whattodo12e · 18/03/2025 18:49

Op I'm on page 6, how old are you??

Josiezu · 18/03/2025 18:31

KatyaKat · 18/03/2025 18:10

Can I suggest you read the thread?

She is able to contribute to a mortgage. Therefore why shouldn't she be able to, and build her own share of the equity in the house, rather than paying him rent and not building any equity?

His deposit and share of mortgage paid can all be fully protected. Not sure which bit you're not understanding

Show quote history

Because it’s impossible to fully protect the investment of the larger party. If the BF puts in 150k, OP puts in 10k or even nothing and then “shares” the very small mortgage she’s then given an equal voice in him selling and regaining his contribution. If they break up and she drags out the sale, or doesn’t agree to it the has a disproportionate amount of power compared to the very small amount she has contributed towards the property.

She is able to contribute to a mortgage. Therefore why shouldn't she be able to, and build her own share of the equity in the house
Probably the same reason anyone with no money isn’t able to build equity in a home, because they can’t afford to buy it.

Not sure what but you’re not full understanding
Its you that seems to have a very limited understanding of buying property.

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