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Original poster

To not want to be DP’s tenant?

338 replies

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 14:24

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

OP posts:
holrosea · 17/03/2025 15:13

https://www.theguardian.com/money/2025/mar/15/buying-a-home-jointly-house-prices

First impressions suggest that he only wants to build his future security, not yours. If he is otherwise a fantastic partner, suggest tenants in common and a % split to represent your different deposit ammounts and earning capacities.

If he reacts positively to a shared house, even if it's a 80/20 split, then he was just unaware that it was an option.

If he refused this option, he just wants you to finance his own security, and you can 100% do and deserve better.

Buying a home jointly in England and Wales? Here’s what you need to know

High prices mean teaming up is often necessary – but it needs straight talking (and legal help) to avoid the pitfalls

https://www.theguardian.com/money/2025/mar/15/buying-a-home-jointly-house-prices

maximalistmaximus · 17/03/2025 15:12

He is trying to financially abuse you.
after 4 years get married/commit or break up.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 17/03/2025 15:11

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 15:06

To all those talking about marriage - no we won’t be getting married. He is dead against and made it quite clear early on. I’ve accepted this as I understand you can still be committed without marriage.

Ding ding ding!!!!

so basically he wants everything his way - all the benefits of marriage & none of the commitment

for godsake don’t have children with him

I was your DP in this situation. I had the house and (now) DH was a low earned. However we knew we were getting married & so I put his name on the deeds of the house because we were making a legal commitment to each other through marriage. 25 years later we now own a larger mortgage free house together and he earns more than me

this is about more than the house, it’s about shared life goals and long term plans

MrsBreadPitt · 17/03/2025 15:11

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 15:06

To all those talking about marriage - no we won’t be getting married. He is dead against and made it quite clear early on. I’ve accepted this as I understand you can still be committed without marriage.

But what about what you want?

Original poster
barhumbug · 17/03/2025 15:09

@tropicalrosestrue, I hadn’t factored that in but I’d only get that rental income if I got it every month on time with no break in between tenants and everything went perfectly. I won’t have the money to repair or replace things if they break as I’ll have used all my savings for the deposit. I can’t take the risk!

OP posts:
UndermyShoeJoe · 17/03/2025 15:09

Accept that your only ever be his girlfriend and lodger then or time to move on basically.

AvengersAssembIe · 17/03/2025 15:06

ExIssues · 17/03/2025 15:05

You can't have a tenant in a house you're living in. It would be a lodger.
Anyway it's hardly comparable - how many people take a lodger when their relationship breaks down? Hardly any, surely

Show quote history

I meant lodger, sorry.

Well, needs must. I'd rather get a lodger in, than someone who might be entitled to my home ten years down the line.

Original poster
barhumbug · 17/03/2025 15:06

To all those talking about marriage - no we won’t be getting married. He is dead against and made it quite clear early on. I’ve accepted this as I understand you can still be committed without marriage.

OP posts:
AvengersAssembIe · 17/03/2025 15:05

Birdseyetrifle · 17/03/2025 15:03

He clearly doesn’t want to risk losing his home if you split and that includes any home he moves too. He’s being bloody sensible if you ask me. No way would I risk my home no matter how much I loved someone.
However, you should try and get yourself a property, no matter how small to ensure your future.

100%. I'd rather have the financial security, than trust, which can disappear or fail.

ExIssues · 17/03/2025 15:05

AvengersAssembIe · 17/03/2025 14:43

Still a total PITA to sell. I'd be the same as him. I totally get your position. And your vulnerability. But if I were you, I'd be grateful for the financial help he's given you, you've got out of debt thanks to him, really, and be independent. I also think it's for your own benefit too, to have a place to escape to should you need it. Get a BTL, overpay when you can, and then it is your own fallback plan.

He could just as easily get another tenant in, if you don't agree.

Show quote history

You can't have a tenant in a house you're living in. It would be a lodger.
Anyway it's hardly comparable - how many people take a lodger when their relationship breaks down? Hardly any, surely

Pigsears · 17/03/2025 15:03

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 14:40

Sorry if I wasn’t clear, I don’t expect an equal financial share of any future home, just what I put in.

Say for example his house sells for £150k and he has a £50k deposit and we buy a place for £300k. I’ll put in £10k deposit and we split the mortgage 50/50 so if we split he’d get £200k plus 50% of whatever equity whilst I’d get £10k plus 50% of equity.

Um no.

I wouldn't agree to that- and it would piss me off if you thought you could have that. It shows you don't understand and that would ring alarm bells.

You are using significantly more of his capital and yet taking 50% of the profits without sharing 50% of the risk.

Birdseyetrifle · 17/03/2025 15:03

He clearly doesn’t want to risk losing his home if you split and that includes any home he moves too. He’s being bloody sensible if you ask me. No way would I risk my home no matter how much I loved someone.
However, you should try and get yourself a property, no matter how small to ensure your future.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 17/03/2025 15:02

Time to have the chat. Where is this relationship going? I wouldn't move into the new place with him unless I was on the mortgage and I wouldn't do that unless I was married so I think move in somewhere by yourself and think hard about this relationship.

AvengersAssembIe · 17/03/2025 15:02

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 14:54

@AvengersAssembIe I can’t afford to buy my own place as my wages are too low - the most I could hope for is a shared ownership place and then I’d have to pay rent and mortgage there. I really really don’t want to be a landlord, I don’t have the money to cover repairs etc or take tenants to court if they don’t leave as it would completely drain my savings for the deposit. It would be a bad idea.

The way I figure it, if I got my own place to rent out is this:

(for example)
£400 mortgage on my house
£400 rent to housing company
£500 rent to DP (50% of new mortgage cost as ‘rent’ to him)

Thats £1300 just in housing costs, I’d have nothing to save and everything else I earn would go on bills/normal expenses. It wouldn’t work.

I get that, I do, and I feel for you. But he's then left propping you up, in your plan to buy with him, and he's worse off if you split. Been there, done that, never again. I don't think there is an easy answer for both of you.
If he were my child, I'd be proud he was looking after his future finances, not risking it. If you were my child, I'd be sad you hadn't gotten the financial security on your own, and wish someone would come and sweep you off your feet and help you.

I think you need a big talk, and find a solution that doesn't leave you so vulnerable, but that doesn't risk his home that he's put most of the money into, that the favourable mortgage terms are agreed upon because of his deposit, and you are basically as valuable financially as any old lodger.

wishiwasjoking · 17/03/2025 15:01

He's not that into you.

I'm not married, have been with my partner 20 years. 15 years ago we bought a house together.

It's literally only just crossed my mind from reading your thread that what your DP is suggesting is possible. I wouldn't have wanted that as it would put either me or my partner in a very vulnerable and unequal position.

There are some major trust issues going on that he's not even talking about the equity split with you and wants to own alone. The fact that he isn't indicates that he's thought about the prospect of a breakup as a possible option and wants to continue living there without you both having to sell to release the amounts of money you both contributed.

commonsense61 · 17/03/2025 15:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Velmy · 17/03/2025 14:59

mrsm43s · 17/03/2025 14:32

I don't think it's reasonable for you to expect to be "equal partners" when he's bringing so much more in than you.

I don't see why you couldn't buy as tenants in common,with your DP owning the portion of the house that relates to the deposit amount he puts in alone (basically the value of the existing house) with the remainder of the house being paid for by a mortgage in your joint names. So, for example if the existing house is worth £300k and the new house will be £500k then he would own 80% (his £300k plus £100k as half the mortgage) of the property and you would own 20% (£100k as half the mortgage.) Mortgage to be paid equally.

It's not reasonable for you to expect half the value of the property that he's already bought.

This is the most sensible option.

If you were posting this exact same scenario but were the homeowner, people would be advising you to do everything possible to avoid him having a claim to your property (quite rightly) so the same should apply.

RitaAndFrank · 17/03/2025 14:58

Hell no, I wouldn’t tolerate this, op.
He just wants his cake and to eat it.
If he loved you and wanted the best for you he’d be sympathetic and would try to support you in your less fortunate circumstances by doing some form of agreement as outlined above whereby you have a stake in the new property that you’ll be paying to live in.
I think this is a test of his commitment op. To me, he sounds flaky as fuck tbh.

Kitchensinktoday · 17/03/2025 14:58

Mrsbloggz · 17/03/2025 14:55

As said it's very difficult to feel like equal partners when one of you is much wealthier than the other.
Perhaps you're financially incompatible 🤷🏻‍♀️

But there's nearly always a disparity in earnings, one way or another. I'm all for protecting your interests and investments, but if you want a life partner you have to be prepared to cut them in a bit!

tropicalroses · 17/03/2025 14:57

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 14:54

@AvengersAssembIe I can’t afford to buy my own place as my wages are too low - the most I could hope for is a shared ownership place and then I’d have to pay rent and mortgage there. I really really don’t want to be a landlord, I don’t have the money to cover repairs etc or take tenants to court if they don’t leave as it would completely drain my savings for the deposit. It would be a bad idea.

The way I figure it, if I got my own place to rent out is this:

(for example)
£400 mortgage on my house
£400 rent to housing company
£500 rent to DP (50% of new mortgage cost as ‘rent’ to him)

Thats £1300 just in housing costs, I’d have nothing to save and everything else I earn would go on bills/normal expenses. It wouldn’t work.

But you then aren't factoring in the rental income on this, so your maths doesn't work.

thepariscrimefiles · 17/03/2025 14:57

I wouldn't be happy with this. If you could afford to make a contribution to the deposit, you could both ring-fence your individual contributions to the deposit and then go on the mortage as tenants in common with an agreed percentage split.

What would he say if you refused his proposals for you to pay him rent and told him that you would move out?

theresapossuminthekitchen · 17/03/2025 14:56

TheOverstuffedWalrus · 17/03/2025 14:46

I would have to carefully consider if I wanted a life with someone so determined to keep me at arms reach. I don't think I would.

I agree that you have already financially benefitted from living with him, but he has too by having someone to split some bills with and by not sharing his wealth with his partner as most long term partners do.

If you are really happy to continue without marrying him, then I think you should insist on contributing to the new place, ring fencing contributions. If he won't budge, then I'd see that as him wanting to keep his own options open and I wouldn't want to give up my security to be the "for now" plan in anyone's life...

Edited

I absolutely agree with this.

DancingFerret · 17/03/2025 14:56

I think the problem you have is with your relationship. Maybe stand back and look at what he's doing rather than what he says (or isn't saying)?

If you're willing to accept the relationship on his terms of no commitment you should at least be saving to ensure you have a roof over your head in the event he finds someone to whom he can commit - which I hope for your sake never happens.

Mrsbloggz · 17/03/2025 14:55

As said it's very difficult to feel like equal partners when one of you is much wealthier than the other.
Perhaps you're financially incompatible 🤷🏻‍♀️

DoYouReally · 17/03/2025 14:55

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 14:46

@DoYouReallyno I haven’t been living ‘rent free’ the past 4yrs, I have been paying a contribution to the bills/running costs/paying for food etc which is roughly equivalent to a cheap rental price for the area. So essentially anything I’m ‘using’ day to day I pay towards but not the mortgage (at his insistence).

You have been living rent free.

You would still have a contribution to bills, running costs and food even if you lived on your own.

You haven't been paying all those costs - you have been paying a contribution.