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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to be DP’s tenant?

338 replies

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 14:24

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

OP posts:
Getupat8amnow · 17/03/2025 15:40

mrsm43s · 17/03/2025 14:32

I don't think it's reasonable for you to expect to be "equal partners" when he's bringing so much more in than you.

I don't see why you couldn't buy as tenants in common,with your DP owning the portion of the house that relates to the deposit amount he puts in alone (basically the value of the existing house) with the remainder of the house being paid for by a mortgage in your joint names. So, for example if the existing house is worth £300k and the new house will be £500k then he would own 80% (his £300k plus £100k as half the mortgage) of the property and you would own 20% (£100k as half the mortgage.) Mortgage to be paid equally.

It's not reasonable for you to expect half the value of the property that he's already bought.

This. 100% this.

OP, you don’t want to turn round in fifteen years and have nothing.

ThatGladTiger · 17/03/2025 15:40

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 14:54

@AvengersAssembIe I can’t afford to buy my own place as my wages are too low - the most I could hope for is a shared ownership place and then I’d have to pay rent and mortgage there. I really really don’t want to be a landlord, I don’t have the money to cover repairs etc or take tenants to court if they don’t leave as it would completely drain my savings for the deposit. It would be a bad idea.

The way I figure it, if I got my own place to rent out is this:

(for example)
£400 mortgage on my house
£400 rent to housing company
£500 rent to DP (50% of new mortgage cost as ‘rent’ to him)

Thats £1300 just in housing costs, I’d have nothing to save and everything else I earn would go on bills/normal expenses. It wouldn’t work.

This will be in 5 years time. Can you afford to save up as much as you can whilst you’re not paying much then get your own place. This financial imbalance is crazy and you must look after yourself even if that means leaving the relationship.

tropicalroses · 17/03/2025 15:38

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 15:30

@MrsBreadPitt I’d love to get married but he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t and I’ve accepted the relationship on those terms. I can’t force him, nor would I want to.

But he must've given you a reason? If it is because he doesn't want the financial risk, then it also makes sense he doesn't want to buy a house together. If he doesn't want the commitment, then again this shouldn't be a surprise.

I think you have done very well out of him financially over the last three years, clearing your debt and getting yourself back on the level.

I think you need to have a conversation with him about your financial goals and long-term security.

If it is just the two of you, why is he wanting such a big next house and to financially stretch himself so much? Why not suggest rather than paying him full rent, you pay half and save half with a view to buying a small flat to rent out. Once you have achieved that, you then pay the mortgage on that, but then split the rental income with him. That way any down time between tenants you are protected from as you wouldn't owe rent those months, but you both benefit, plus you get the equity in that property.

If your relationship ends, you can walk away and you still own your own property.

Derbee · 17/03/2025 15:37

Pigsears · 17/03/2025 15:03

Um no.

I wouldn't agree to that- and it would piss me off if you thought you could have that. It shows you don't understand and that would ring alarm bells.

You are using significantly more of his capital and yet taking 50% of the profits without sharing 50% of the risk.

Show quote history

Agree, this is an outrageously cheeky plan on your part. He should absolutely not agree to this.

You can’t afford to buy, so you use his home to leverage you onto the property ladder. No risk, as your housing isn’t currently secure anyway. He takes all of the risk (potentially having to sell if you split) and then pays you your profit on your £10K, and your housing situation is just as insecure as it’s always been?

Fuck that. He’s right OP, sorry. Maybe there is too much discrepancy in your incomes to work, especially if he doesn’t see you as his life partner. Being totally against marriage is suspicious

Original poster
barhumbug · 17/03/2025 15:37

@Pigsears I would love to but it’s not a deal breaker. He has so many other lovely qualities I felt he was worth it. I was married before to a twat so I know first hand marriage isn’t everything.

OP posts:
fatgirlswims · 17/03/2025 15:36

Do actually want to move? Do you get a say in the new house and furnishings / moving process and so on or is all the just happening to you?
it all sounds awful- and no I would not pay a penny for his investment.

pikkumyy77 · 17/03/2025 15:35

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 15:06

To all those talking about marriage - no we won’t be getting married. He is dead against and made it quite clear early on. I’ve accepted this as I understand you can still be committed without marriage.

No: you can’t be committed without marriage. He is specifically unwilling to commit to the level of marriage —I don’t blame him for it. Its his choice. But marriage is marriage and “live with me and pay me rent for a while” is exactly no commitment at all. maybe this man, and this lifestyle, seemed wonderful compared to what you endured before from men. But its not very loving, trusting, or safe for you. Because he doesn’t trust you or the “committed relationship “ enough to actually, you know, plan for a future with and for you. He has one eye in a future without you and ond foot out the door.

coxesorangepippin · 17/03/2025 15:35

You're basically his lodger, who probably provides sex and does all the cooking

Pigsears · 17/03/2025 15:34

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 15:30

@MrsBreadPitt I’d love to get married but he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t and I’ve accepted the relationship on those terms. I can’t force him, nor would I want to.

Then I don't think you are compatible. Surely?!

You'd 'love' to get married.

That's not something to compromise on?

femfemlicious · 17/03/2025 15:33

Ablondiebutagoody · 17/03/2025 14:32

But you don't have the money to be an equal partner so I don't really understand what you are suggesting? If I was him I would be doing exactly the same.

On here women are allowed and advised to protect their assets, men are NOT

Onelifeonly22 · 17/03/2025 15:32

It is very reasonable after 4 years to say that you want to buy somewhere together and stick to this but as PP have said he should benefit from putting in more equity. So if he put in 100k and you put in 20k and then you split the mortgage 50:50 and the house went from 300k to 600k, then you need to work out how much of the capital has been repaid at the time of sale, then split that 50:50 and add to your initial sums. So if 20k in capital paid off then effectively he has put in 110k and you have put in 30k and then the sale proceeds are split based on that ratio (any interest paid shouldn't be taken into account).

If you have been contributing to bills then you haven't been paying rent - they are separate.

How much is he proposing you pay? I don't think it should be 'market rate' as he is also getting a benefit in having you live there and contribute. So perhaps you find a figure you are comfortable with, for example 50% of what you'd pay elsewhere.

Chunkychips23 · 17/03/2025 15:31

When my DH and I bought a house together, we weren’t married. He also had kids from a previous relationship. I was cautious about protecting what I’d paid in and him his share. We owned the house as ‘Tennants in common’ eventhough the split was 48/52, so pretty close to equally owned. It meant in our wills both of our individual interests were protected.

Could you not do something like this?

Original poster
barhumbug · 17/03/2025 15:30

@MrsBreadPitt I’d love to get married but he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t and I’ve accepted the relationship on those terms. I can’t force him, nor would I want to.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 17/03/2025 15:28

DancingFerret · 17/03/2025 14:56

I think the problem you have is with your relationship. Maybe stand back and look at what he's doing rather than what he says (or isn't saying)?

If you're willing to accept the relationship on his terms of no commitment you should at least be saving to ensure you have a roof over your head in the event he finds someone to whom he can commit - which I hope for your sake never happens.

I agree with this. Think hard about this relationship. You are just “miss right niw” not miss right.

Up until now it has been beneficial to you both—he got a lovely live in companion who paid her own way and was at his beck and call and he was free to invest solely for himself in his main asset. Now he wants you to also invest in his asset but with no return/security for yourself. He will keep you as his fun playmate and make you pay for the privilege.

Good relationships endure—mine has lasted 35 years from dating, 30 from marriage. There were long stretches where I did not contribute financially. Now my dh is retired and I am working. But we had a shared long term commitment to each other—our asset accumulation was in service of us both. We carefully saved and invested for each other with both our security in mind.

You can’t be half in and half out financially and fully in romantically. All this unmarried partner crap is just folly for the lower earner. Better to live apart and date for sex and lukewarm companionship than to pay your limited resources to make someone else an owner of property. How any man or woman can be willing to see their “partner “ at risk of homelessness or poverty us beyond me.

Tigergirl80 · 17/03/2025 15:28

It’s his house he owns. Put the money you are saving on living costs into savings just in case you do split.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 17/03/2025 15:28

DoYouReally · 17/03/2025 14:55

You have been living rent free.

You would still have a contribution to bills, running costs and food even if you lived on your own.

You haven't been paying all those costs - you have been paying a contribution.

Show quote history

This. The setup has also enabled you to get out of debt. I don't really blame him.

You can't buy on your own, so it's a shit situation for you, I get that. But it would be worse if you had debt on top.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 17/03/2025 15:26

Yanbu I wouldn't want to do that sorry

Also - you're his partner! This hassle over money shouldn't be happening - he's the more well off one, he should be happy to take care of the housing costs - unpopular but my opinion

Doesn't want to get married (presumably due to asset sharing and you 'getting everything')
Doesn't want kids (neither do you though)
Doesn't want you to pay rent as he doesn't want you to have a claim on his home if you split - i presume that he's said this to you?
Now wants you to be a lodger?

You need to focus on taking care of yourself, sorry, as i sense this man won't.

Building a life with a man and his priority is himself, not you! x

Original poster
barhumbug · 17/03/2025 15:22

@Theeyeballsinthesky we don’t have children and don’t want any. We will be staying childfree.

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 17/03/2025 15:21

If I were you, I'd try and buy my own place, however small, so that you always have it to fall back on, and feel like you own something.

I agree with this. Then you'll always have a roof over your head for life. Or money in the bank if you sell it.

Men come and go in my experience. A wise woman makes sure she has thought ahead about her own independence.

DorotheaDiamond · 17/03/2025 15:20

Another way to suggest this…mentally divide the house into 4 parts - his deposit, your deposit, his share of mortgage, your share of mortgage.

lets use 100 as a total. His deposit is 50, yours is 10 and you decide to share the remaining 40 equally.

im going to assume prices rise and you pay off some of the mortgage.

house now worth 200. Total deposit share 60%) now worth 120. Split that 100:20 same proportion as you put in. You’ve paid off 10 of mortgage so now owe 30 of remaining 80 to mortgage company. Split 50 left equally because you paid mortgage equally. If you hadn’t paid it equally you could change split to match. He gets 125 you get 45

a different way:

or you could say the total you’ve each paid towards house (deposit plus repayment) in this case would be 60+5 and 10+5 so pay mortgage off leaves you 170 split in proportion 65:15 he gets 138 you get 32

can argue fairness about either - it’s quite an extreme difference because I’ve used house prices doubling.

either way you each get back an amount related to what you put in. Simplest solution is to pay repayment part of mortgage in same proportion as deposit and split interest costs equally…then when you sell split total equity in same proportion.

Original poster
barhumbug · 17/03/2025 15:19

@AvengersAssembIe Honestly life has not been very kind to me up until recently. I’ve survived 2 lots of SA, had multiple abusive relationships, a marriage to a massive cocklodger who drained me dry and left me paying off his debts (which I’ve now finally managed to do) and I’ve clawed my way out of deep depression more than once. A few years before I met DP my mental health was on the floor and I was literally homeless sleeping on a friend’s sofa. I know now that whatever happens with DP and I, I’m independent enough to be ok. I just would really like for us to have something together that would benefit us both.

I’m not unreasonable. I understand he has worked very hard for his home and I wouldn’t want to take any of that away from him.

OP posts:
Cattenberg · 17/03/2025 15:17

barhumbug · 17/03/2025 15:06

To all those talking about marriage - no we won’t be getting married. He is dead against and made it quite clear early on. I’ve accepted this as I understand you can still be committed without marriage.

He isn’t really committed though. With this arrangement, he has all the financial security and you have none.

westisbest1982 · 17/03/2025 15:16

He doesn’t love you enough to commit, is the plain truth.

In your shoes, I would stay in the relationship for the time being and be more aggressive with saving to comfortably get a mortgage of my own, or a BTL (maybe somewhere in a different and cheaper part of the country). Or a shared ownership flat. Forget his future - your first priority should be YOUR future.

Pigsears · 17/03/2025 15:13

maximalistmaximus · 17/03/2025 15:12

He is trying to financially abuse you.
after 4 years get married/commit or break up.

Huh? Financially abuse her ? How exactly?