My DH is an oversharer

4GWiFi · 2025-03-17T10:48:25+00:00

I've been bothered by this for a long time: I think my husband overshares way too much. Whenever I mention it, he dismisses my concerns by saying something like, "Oh, let's all be quiet and secretive, I'm just making normal conversation'. As an example, he will tell friends we catch up with how our business is doing to quite a detailed degree. While I think it's fine to say business is good (or bad). I don't think any more about it should be discussed. After all, I see it as bad press about the brand if he's discussing something negative even if it is amongst friends. There are other things that he shares which annoy me, such as if he got stopped for speeding or any other negative things. The odd share - no problem. However, I do feel, increasingly, that whenever we meet up with other couples it does become the 'X (my name) and Y (DH's name) Show' where we ask friends 'So how's it going?' and immediately they reply with, 'It's all fine, no change really with us. But how's it going with you, and how did it go with X? And what happened that time with Y?' Friends immediately catch up on every detail of our lives while theirs seem uneventful and drama-free. I understand that everyone has their ups and downs, but I can’t help feeling that he’s giving away too much every time. Am I wrong for thinking he overshares? How private are you as a couple with your friends when you catch up? How much do you reveal about your personal lives? I've always believed in keeping things to myself and confiding only in some individuals, as sharing too much with everyone can sometimes do more harm than good. I think a lot of it is tied to him liking to be seen as some kind of funny storyteller who has loads of anecdotes, but the joke ends up being on us as a couple. He might not mind, but I do. What do you think?

CarpetKnees · 18/03/2025 22:21

4GWiFi · 18/03/2025 21:43

You see, maybe I'm showing my age but oversharing actually means telling people too much about your life, e.g. posting too much on social media. I think oversharing in the sense of sharing inappropriate information about one's sex life, private parts or warts etc. is oversharing in an Urban Dictionary 'TMI' sense.

My OP meant oversharing in its original definition and not slang meaning.

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I don't agree with your distinction at all.
What @IsaacNeutron said is right.

Close friends will surely support one another. It sounds as if these friends aren't close friends. It also seems quite strange that a whole group of people spend all this time asking your dh about his life and never sharing anything about theirs.

Original poster

4GWiFi · 18/03/2025 21:50

Wishyouwerehere50 · 17/03/2025 19:00

I'm eternally single, but recall being in a partnership and how the games were with other couples. It's just not the same playing field, especially if you have business links. It always felt to me like competition.

I personally love authenticity, being open and honest. But it needs to be delivered confidently and not too self deprecating. The problem for me here is the group of friends and the business struggles. They're the issue.

These people don't jump out at me as friends who will just make you feel great inside, feel good for the soul and support growth in all areas. They sound like panelists on Dragons Den and I personally could not tolerate too much of this shite.

Do you have other friends?

Business wise, I understand, less is more. If it is struggling, all declarations could be damaging in terms of perception and image.

It sounds like you feel like you're a bit on the down foot compared to them and none are quite so gracious as to extend the human touch, connecting with you through their own expressions of honesty and vulnerability.

You sense something in them and their reaction and you don't like it. I think you are right in your feelings. If you communicate it that way to your husband, in a way that makes him see it without him feeling attacked for his openness and vulnerability.

Have you thought about approaching it in a lighthearted way with him; encourage him to try out a different way ( as a fun experiment) at the next get together and see what happens. The agreement could be a change in communication style that focuses on more praise, not talking, and instead asking questions, clarifying details in others, complimenting others. It's actually really fascinating stuff if you're in It together and watching the effects of the experiment between you both.

I do love Diary of a CEO. He has loads of good speakers on who give great advice on all this and communication approaches for business and life. The one released today is great; love the guy he has on, Jefferson somebody.

Great post, thanks. Yes, our friendship circles are all very competitive and, as you sussed, there's far too much self-deprecation going on and not enough confidence/assertiveness.

'Have you thought about approaching it in a lighthearted way with him; encourage him to try out a different way ( as a fun experiment) at the next get together and see what happens. The agreement could be a change in communication style that focuses on more praise, not talking, and instead asking questions, clarifying details in others, complimenting others. It's actually really fascinating stuff if you're in It together and watching the effects of the experiment between you both.'

Ha, I'll definitely suggest this at the next catch up!

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Mummy2020 · 18/03/2025 21:46

Squirrelblanket · 17/03/2025 11:03

My husband doesn't overshare in terms of anything really personal, but he will tell really long detailed stories about mundane things that have happened to us. For example, getting our carpets replaced. You can see people's eyes glazing over. There's no need for that level of detail. 😂

my MIL does this! Really long boring stories that someone (I don’t even know or care about) told her. Literally makes me want to pull my teeth out. And she won’t stop until she’s got to the end and bored me to tears!

Original poster

4GWiFi · 18/03/2025 21:43

IsaacNeutron · 17/03/2025 18:46

That sounds like normal talking to friends to me. Oversharing would be telling them about your sex life or something.

You see, maybe I'm showing my age but oversharing actually means telling people too much about your life, e.g. posting too much on social media. I think oversharing in the sense of sharing inappropriate information about one's sex life, private parts or warts etc. is oversharing in an Urban Dictionary 'TMI' sense.

My OP meant oversharing in its original definition and not slang meaning.

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Original poster

4GWiFi · 18/03/2025 21:38

Isittimeforbedyetsos · 17/03/2025 15:50

Think this may sound more like you’re disappointed in the lack of your friends sharing things rather than your husband over sharing ?

You might have a point, but the reason why I posted this thread is to get a handle on whether my DH truly is an oversharer in the traditional sense of its meaning and to gauge how much others share and interact with their friends (and how much their friends share).

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autisticbookworm · 18/03/2025 21:37

We have a rule in our house. Is it your story to tell? If it is go for it. Talking about his stuff fine, talking about your stuff is a no no.

Itsoneofthose · 18/03/2025 21:36

@4GWiFi I can completely understand and empathise with how you feel, I’m in a very similar situation. I’m quite a private person and my partner is the opposite. Always talking about our failures (strong word, but daft things that have gone wrong) and as you say, others are often just very vague about their own affairs. It really bugs me. Maybe it’s a man thing. It’s senseless to me.

Original poster

4GWiFi · 18/03/2025 21:35

Isthiswhatmenthink · 17/03/2025 14:05

My H told a ton of people I hardly knew the date of my planned C-section, plus a load of information about my health during pregnancy. I was inundated with messages from people, including a message from one of his friends asking “what time is the baby being extracted then?”

I cannot tell you how furious I was. It was a disgusting message, overly familiar and utterly fucking intrusive. I ignored all of them and asked what the actual fuck he thought he was playing at. He had no reason beyond not realising that my medical history and health is no one’s business but mine. I may have pointed out to him that he was a fucking nobody during my pregnancy and birth and after what he’d done, he was lucky to be in the room.

For an intelligent and seemingly emotionally aware man, he became insanely people-pleasing around my pregnancies. I’m not sure I’ve forgiven him for it to be honest.

That's utterly horrific and I'm so sorry to hear that happened! Interestingly, my DH is a people pleaser so there's got to be something in that.

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Original poster

4GWiFi · 18/03/2025 21:33

wishiwasjoking · 17/03/2025 13:59

Are you a southerner and he's a northerner?

Why?

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Original poster

4GWiFi · 18/03/2025 21:31

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/03/2025 11:35

Then this definitely sounds like a friends problem rather than DH. You say you’ve known them for years, but you don’t, actually, know them at all. They don’t trust you, and they don’t want to share anything important about themselves and their lives. I think it’s probably time to put them into the “acquaintances” bucket and treat them accordingly, whilst focussing on making new friendships with actual substance, or developing ones you currently have.

It doesn’t sound like you need to worry about DH “hogging” the conversation, because these people are actively making sure with their “yeah, we’re fine, tell us all about you” that him doing so means they get to say little.

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It's not as black and white as that. Sure, our friends share and, for the record, of course we know about their lives, but it's much less proportionally. We do hear about what's going on with their family - parents, even. They are good friends for the record: we're invited to parties, we stay over at each others' home, we cook for one another. It's just that they are really interested in our lives - and this is not just one couple. It's several. Another thing is that they only and mostly share the good stuff. There is seldom much vulnerability.

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Original poster

4GWiFi · 18/03/2025 21:26

PeppyTealDuck · 17/03/2025 11:24

People bond over real stories where they show their vulnerability, not over “business is good”. Of course sensitive information should be shared thoughtfully, but speeding tickets don’t fall in the category.

Do you prefer superficial relationships where no one ever shares anything that makes them look any less than perfect? Sometimes we forget that being human is a LOT more interesting and relatable than being perfect. Speaking from experience.

Yes, I agree a bond is formed when both sides of a friendship share and show vulnerability. My issue is that it's just going in one direction, and not because DH does not know when to be quiet – it's because he's asked question after question. The conversation does not flow in the opposite direction as much. Friendships ought to be bilateral.

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Devianinc · 17/03/2025 20:56

Squirrelblanket · 17/03/2025 11:03

My husband doesn't overshare in terms of anything really personal, but he will tell really long detailed stories about mundane things that have happened to us. For example, getting our carpets replaced. You can see people's eyes glazing over. There's no need for that level of detail. 😂

To the minute details of everything. I can’t stand that

StepawayfromtheLindors · 17/03/2025 20:40

I love your post @Wishyouwerehere50

CarpetKnees · 17/03/2025 19:15

PeppyTealDuck · 17/03/2025 11:24

People bond over real stories where they show their vulnerability, not over “business is good”. Of course sensitive information should be shared thoughtfully, but speeding tickets don’t fall in the category.

Do you prefer superficial relationships where no one ever shares anything that makes them look any less than perfect? Sometimes we forget that being human is a LOT more interesting and relatable than being perfect. Speaking from experience.

I have to agree with this, and also @ComtesseDeSpair on the bottom of P1.

You say these are friends of 10 years, and yet you know nothing about their lives - what is happening, or how they are feeling ?

I have acquaintances like that - people I see sometimes (or even regularly at a hobby), that I get on with but there is no deeper connection, but my friends get to know what I'm worried about or upset about as well as things I'm really happy about. Surely that is the very essence of moving from a "person I get on with, they seem nice enough" to a "friend I know I can rely on and who I would choose to spend time with".

It doesn't sound - in any of your examples - like your dh is over sharing at all, more that you are keeping these people at arms' length.

So yes, nits, speeding tickets, worries at work, worries about health, or dc, or elderly parents, are all things that would come up if spending time with friends.

Happyears · 17/03/2025 19:04

Squirrelblanket · 17/03/2025 11:03

My husband doesn't overshare in terms of anything really personal, but he will tell really long detailed stories about mundane things that have happened to us. For example, getting our carpets replaced. You can see people's eyes glazing over. There's no need for that level of detail. 😂

Isn’t that more being boring than oversharing?

Wishyouwerehere50 · 17/03/2025 19:00

I'm eternally single, but recall being in a partnership and how the games were with other couples. It's just not the same playing field, especially if you have business links. It always felt to me like competition.

I personally love authenticity, being open and honest. But it needs to be delivered confidently and not too self deprecating. The problem for me here is the group of friends and the business struggles. They're the issue.

These people don't jump out at me as friends who will just make you feel great inside, feel good for the soul and support growth in all areas. They sound like panelists on Dragons Den and I personally could not tolerate too much of this shite.

Do you have other friends?

Business wise, I understand, less is more. If it is struggling, all declarations could be damaging in terms of perception and image.

It sounds like you feel like you're a bit on the down foot compared to them and none are quite so gracious as to extend the human touch, connecting with you through their own expressions of honesty and vulnerability.

You sense something in them and their reaction and you don't like it. I think you are right in your feelings. If you communicate it that way to your husband, in a way that makes him see it without him feeling attacked for his openness and vulnerability.

Have you thought about approaching it in a lighthearted way with him; encourage him to try out a different way ( as a fun experiment) at the next get together and see what happens. The agreement could be a change in communication style that focuses on more praise, not talking, and instead asking questions, clarifying details in others, complimenting others. It's actually really fascinating stuff if you're in It together and watching the effects of the experiment between you both.

I do love Diary of a CEO. He has loads of good speakers on who give great advice on all this and communication approaches for business and life. The one released today is great; love the guy he has on, Jefferson somebody.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 17/03/2025 18:54

pinkdelight · 17/03/2025 11:16

It sounds more like he's telling juicy drama that OP wants to keep schtum about.

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Or financial information that isn't any of their business?

IsaacNeutron · 17/03/2025 18:46

That sounds like normal talking to friends to me. Oversharing would be telling them about your sex life or something.

Lickityspit · 17/03/2025 18:44

Oh I think we might be married to the same man OP 😂. Mine is exactly the same. He tells everyone EVERYTHING and all my business too. I’m pathologically private and it drives me nuts!!! He has a heart of gold and just the way he is but nothing is sacred. Even my menopause!!!!!

StepawayfromtheLindors · 17/03/2025 15:51

Some people like to milk you for information whilst telling you nothing about themselves. I think it’s good to be wary of a potential imbalance here.

FWIW we never talk about business or money or cost of holidays, new car. Had the experience of old friend being bitter and jealous when she realised how much one holiday had cost, it soured the friendship and we had to distance ourselves.

Isittimeforbedyetsos · 17/03/2025 15:50

Think this may sound more like you’re disappointed in the lack of your friends sharing things rather than your husband over sharing ?

Harry12345 · 17/03/2025 15:43

4GWiFi · 17/03/2025 12:45

To an extent, I agree. Overall, it just seems that our friends know an incredible amount that's going or has been going on in our lives, but we don't ever hear their side. They don't show us that they're human: have foibles, nothing merely negative. I sometimes feel like I should hand them some popcorn after we've all sat down and the conversation's started.

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It’s sounds more that they’re not real friends or maybe the wrong type of friends for your dh. I don’t think what he’s saying is bad and it’s the way me and my friends chat. It’s obviously not good if it upsets you but you’re basically wanting him to change who he is which isn’t fair either as he’s not wrong in what he’s doing

mathanxiety · 17/03/2025 15:11

4GWiFi · 17/03/2025 11:41

No, it's none of that. It's simply more about his penchant for sharing any and every unfortunate incident that we've experienced since we last socialised with every friend or couple. I don't mind if it's once every several catch-ups (which is more in line with what I perceive a standard friendship to be like), but it is every time. As another pp mentioned, I think he does it mostly to provide entertainment and does it in a self-deprecating way. Our lives have been quite tough in the past several years relative to our friends' lives - they all know this. If we were doing well then I could understand a need to be modest and self-deprecating amongst friends. I just think that socially we should be listening more to what our friends have been up to rather than hammering on about what tough and difficult lives we are leading.

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Your friends do not want to head out to an evening of woe dressed up as funny anecdotes.

You have no reason to assume the friends are having a better time than you and your H - perhaps they're just not sharing.

Is your H something of a class clown, personality-wise?
Does he have self esteem issues? What he's doing probably comes across as juvenile. Is he afraid of looking competent or successful or on top of things? Is he trying to make people like him?

How well does H know the friends? Does he know of any interests or hobbies they have? Any children in school or university? Pets? Has your H ever asked them directly how any of those aspects of their lives are going?

StepawayfromtheLindors · 17/03/2025 15:01

Squirrelblanket · 17/03/2025 11:03

My husband doesn't overshare in terms of anything really personal, but he will tell really long detailed stories about mundane things that have happened to us. For example, getting our carpets replaced. You can see people's eyes glazing over. There's no need for that level of detail. 😂

How do you manage to stay married?!

mathanxiety · 17/03/2025 14:57

I don't think the problem is oversharing, apart from the business details. He should definitely keep business stuff private. That's not being secretive.

His problem is a serious lack of social / conversation skills and a sense of entitlement to hog other peoples attention.

If he has spent more than 50% of his time at a gathering speaking, he has overdone it.
If he has revealed business details or relationship details, he has over done it too, regardless of how long he has spent talking.