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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I be blunt but honest if the occasion arises?

32 replies

asrl78 · 17/03/2025 09:10

A bit of background:

I met a very nice lady when volunteering and we quickly became close friends, she is very tactile and found out I enjoy hugging women and that was how the ice broke between us. After a certain time she moved to another shop to volunteer and she invited me into her canasta group who play at someones house on Sunday evenings. There are six of us, three men and three women, all of them I get on with; however, there is one woman who is the textbook definition of a dolly downer. She has had and continues to have family, financial and health issues* (some I have been told are self inflicted) and is always dwelling on them and complaining/sighing every Sunday evening. I can tolerate this as the canasta group is the only regular F2F contact I have with my friend, but I find her attitude draining, it is a mood killer at times.

I would love to be able to help her but I know there is nothing I can do. My question is, would it be unreasonable if, when a suitable occasion occurred (e.g. she said something where the response could follow naturally), I was direct and told her straight that at least part of the problem is her negative attitude and this pushes people away. Part of me feels she needs to be told some hard truths but part of me doesn't want to risk pushing her into a state of depression.

I am a little pulled in two directions. In normal circumstances she is not a person I would choose to associate myself with (for other reasons that what I have put here), but I can't help but feel compassion.

*Examples:

She has little disposable income but keeps giving money to her 40-something year old son who lives on a rented boat somewhere in London which is in poor condition. Her son prefers to live like that rather than move in with her, and she wouldn't want him living with her anyway although she claims to love him. She closely follows christianity and believes her son is demonised because he is into new age stuff (whatever that means).

She has problems with her feet and back but won't see someone because of the state of her finances.

She has a car in poor condition which she doesn't get regularly serviced to save money, instead gets things fixed when necessary (which is more expensive in the long term).

She lives alone in a sizable house in which I think she struggles with maintenance costs when they arise. Others in the group have suggested downsizing or releasing equity.

OP posts:
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Hallywally · 20/05/2025 15:37

What a peculiar post 🤣 Just leave her be- it’s pointless and you risk making the group dynamic awkward. You like hugging women? 🤔

Finallyready79 · 20/05/2025 01:55

HollyBerryz · 17/03/2025 16:37

So you basically want to tell her off for being poor when you fully acknowledge she can't afford to fix these things?

This! Every one of the examples the solution was money - which she doesn’t have! She may not be able to release equity in her home for any number of reasons. By the time she’s paid all of the associated costs to downsize, who knows how much she would have left. If the house needs a lot of repairs or sprucing up, maybe she’d struggle to sell it.

as for the car comments… we have had our older car (2009) serviced every year. We do less than 5k miles a year in it these days. We have had thousands of pounds worth of work done on it over the last couple of years despite the services - there’s an awful lot of things that can go wrong on a car that isn’t looked at as part of the service you know….

I’m also here to try to find out about the random “I like to hug women” comment!

Happyinarcon · 20/05/2025 01:33

Learn to be comfortable around negative people without trying to change them. It’s a difficult skill if you grew up in a household where you were expected to fix things

MyPlumCrow · 20/05/2025 01:24

If you're brutally honest, you're gonna hurt people, because we make mistakes and owning up or saying the truth hurts people, I know a couple blunt but honest people. Is the bluntness coming from a place of love? I hate when ppl beat around the bush. Im blunt, it's progress not perfection .

HollyBerryz · 17/03/2025 16:37

So you basically want to tell her off for being poor when you fully acknowledge she can't afford to fix these things?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/03/2025 16:11

Just don't be a dick. If she was able to make the changes, she would have done by now, so don't give her more to be unhappy about.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/03/2025 14:31

That’s the nature of social and hobby groups: there will be people there who you don’t get gel with or who you find a bit irritating, but you just let them have their conversations with the people who are happy to listen and make your own conversations with others. She isn’t your friend, she’s not going to take a near-stranger’s “home truths” on board, and you’re just going to come across as the newbie who joined the pre-existing group and now wants to drive away others. Like most people with problems in their lives, in all reality she knows exactly what she needs to do about them - but change is hard, and scary, and she’s not ready to make it yet.

If all the other group members seem happy to allow her to talk, or actively want to make suggestions and give advice then perhaps you either need to a) reflect that they don’t find her as irksome as you or b) try and divert the conversation to other topics.

OriginalUsername2 · 17/03/2025 14:18

Are you male or female? I’m thrown by the hugging comment.

wishiwasjoking · 17/03/2025 14:16

Can't abide people like that, every time she brought something like that up I'd just shut it down with," Well, you know what the solution is don't you"

She'll probably continue on a bit with the list of excuses but she'll get it after a couple of goes.

YourBestFriend · 17/03/2025 14:12

This is the bizarrest thread I have read in weeks.
Sounds like good material for a sitcom.
Jesus...

MissDoubleU · 17/03/2025 13:50

Maybe This woman is complaining so much because she has already learned you liked to hug women and wishes you would offer her one?

Fountains · 17/03/2025 13:43

MissDoubleU · 17/03/2025 13:33

“I’m not fancying doing a group thing - can we meet up for a nice hug on Tuesday evening instead?”

Show quote history

Maybe ‘nice hug’ with the ‘tactile’ friend is a euphemism for ‘passionate, back-clawing sex’? Though what this has to do with the canasta sessions is still mysterious. Maybe they play footsy under the table while the complainer complains…?

tropicalroses · 17/03/2025 13:40

So pleased I read the first comment, which let me know it was a card group. I was thinking you were all sitting around playing castanets....

MissDoubleU · 17/03/2025 13:33

Fountains · 17/03/2025 13:30

Yes, what on earth has the ‘enjoy hugging’ thing to do with the moany canasta player? And surely, if you want to see your specific friend, just see her another time for a coffee or another activity, if the negative person annoys you? It’s hardly canasta or nothing…?

Show quote history

“I’m not fancying doing a group thing - can we meet up for a nice hug on Tuesday evening instead?”

Fountains · 17/03/2025 13:30

MissDoubleU · 17/03/2025 13:27

I’m also curious about the “she found out I enjoy hugging women” comment.

Dont most people enjoy hugs? Do you specifically only enjoy hugging women? Why is it a “thing” - do you make a hobby out of it?

Otherwise yes, this woman does seem a downer/professional victim but the best thing to do with these people is ignore it. Don’t feed the drama beast.

Edited

Yes, what on earth has the ‘enjoy hugging’ thing to do with the moany canasta player? And surely, if you want to see your specific friend, just see her another time for a coffee or another activity, if the negative person annoys you? It’s hardly canasta or nothing…?

HellDorado · 17/03/2025 13:30

I have been in the group about three years so it is a stretch to say I barely know her, but anyway, I'll let her be and just carry on tolerating it even if it does make me sad on occasion.

Very noble.

MissDoubleU · 17/03/2025 13:27

I’m also curious about the “she found out I enjoy hugging women” comment.

Dont most people enjoy hugs? Do you specifically only enjoy hugging women? Why is it a “thing” - do you make a hobby out of it?

Otherwise yes, this woman does seem a downer/professional victim but the best thing to do with these people is ignore it. Don’t feed the drama beast.

Original poster
asrl78 · 17/03/2025 13:22

I have been in the group about three years so it is a stretch to say I barely know her, but anyway, I'll let her be and just carry on tolerating it even if it does make me sad on occasion. Others have tried to provide advice and she has had counselling which she ignored (I've been told she won't take advice she doesn't want to hear), so me saying something is high risk and near-zero likelihood of any gain. I'm not leaving the group as the interaction with my friend is too valuable.

OP posts:
HellDorado · 17/03/2025 12:02

So a woman you barely know and don’t even like is a bit of a misery - and you think you’re going to be the one to fix it? How - and more importantly, why? This isn’t your business!

WinWhenTheyreSinging · 17/03/2025 10:08

Why on earth would you think it's your business to start throwing your harsh opinions in to this established group?😂

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 17/03/2025 10:05

She was in the group before you presumably? It's not up to you to insert yourself and make her feel bad

Maybe these are her friends?

I'd leave it

And just because she doesn't want her 40 year son to live with her, doesn't mean she doesn't love him 😭

Yabu, sorry

Fountofwisdom · 17/03/2025 09:57

She has a 40 year old son so I take it she is probably 65+? I very much doubt anyone of that age is ever going to change their outlook or ways. But more importantly, it’s not your business or problem. If yours find her draining and annoying, then just extricate yourself from the acquaintanceship. Unless you know someone very well and are on otherwise good terms with them, you have no place to tell them ‘hard truths’. None of us want to hear that sort of criticism, let alone from someone we barely know.

Haveyouanyjam · 17/03/2025 09:41

Mind your own business OP! She’s only hurting herself and being irritating to everyone else. You either put up with it, or you aren’t around her. Her choice how to live her life and yours whether you want her in yours.

TheOverstuffedWalrus · 17/03/2025 09:40

You play canasta so you have an excuse to hug the original woman but have now been distracted with trying to save DebbieD who may or may not bring it on herself? I think you need to ignore the DD and decide if the cards and huggin are worth putting up with her for.

takealettermsjones · 17/03/2025 09:33

She found out you enjoy hugging women? 😅

Idk this is a really odd thread to me and I can't put my finger on why.

Don't say any of these "hard truths," they won't be welcome and you'll damage the mood of the group far more than she has.

Ask your friend to meet one on one for coffee or something