Anyone struggle with a purpose if childfree?

This!

As a mum I think ahead to the near future when my kids are young adults and wonder about my purpose. I was really happy before kids but when I became their mum I felt a depth of feeling and purpose that blew everything else out of the water. What I’m trying to say is this feeling happens to mums also once they have reared their kids. I guess I can do all the things I didn’t have time to do in their younger years but I think I’ll always reflect on them being my greatest years.

See it too often too. I work part time, so I fall into "must be nice to be able to afford that" (we'd have a lot less stress if I were full time) and "wouldn't it be better if you just gave it up and stayed home with her?".

Sick of women judging women for making choices that women fought hard for us to be able to have.

Let women do what they want with their lives and bodies!

This 😀

@Mukey

Or are you one of those that does the “oh no I didn’t mean you! I mean women that didn’t WANT children.” For some reason their childless old age will be lonelier than mine?

As a single parent I see a particularly toxic variation of this logic failure on the threads where people lay into WOHMs for "farming" their children out to childcare. When I point out that I have no alternative but to work there's always some idiot who pops up to say: "I know but it's different for single mums."

So by this logic you won't be lonely in old age if you're infertile because its not your fault and you won't fuck your children's lives up by working if you're single because its not your fault. But anyone who choses either to be childless or to work and have children is morally flawed and will be lonely or damage their children's lives. OK then....

Judgement with no intellectual rigour or consistency. It can get in the bin.

Just out of interest, how do you think this makes infertile people feel? Not only do I have the joy of endless miscarriages, once I’m over that I have the joy of a really lonely old age to look forward to.
Or are you one of those that does the “oh no I didn’t mean you! I mean women that didn’t WANT children.” For some reason their childless old age will be lonelier than mine?

This! My poor grandma had 7 kids but died alone and not found for days.
I can count on one hand the number of times I saw her when I was a child.

Everyone worked abroad and had their own lives.

There's no guarantee and why put that burden on your kids.

If you're not content in your own skin, no man, kids, friends or job will erase that.
It comes from within, and everything else is a bonus.

I have commented a few times on these threads. It absolutely is because it will pop up on the main page. It is not intended to purposefully impose into a space that is special for childless MNs.

For myself, my participation is always to say something along the lines of ' it's all a bloody conspiracy this stuff, so you go girl!' 🤷‍♀️😆.

I see from posts here that it's a space that peeps prefer for childless folk; which I absolutely respect. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy, is my parting mantra 😀🥰.

Totally get where you're coming from. It's possible to be happy both ways, but the friend i mentioned wasn't made for parenthood but unfortunately found out after having kids.

Different school friend in a has an autistic non verbal child. Loves the bones off him, but has said if she'd known, she may not have had him. He's her purpose now and she won't put him in a home as suggested by his care workers, but it's a sacrifice parents make.

Have you no spouse, siblings or friends?

Oops, what if your children move to a different country?

The point stated by myself and many others, or your judgemental opinion?

This.

I'm a wife, a parent, a daughter, a sister and a friend. The love is different but they are all strong. All of these relationships have huge value to me. All of the people (re friends, there's only a couple that fall into this category) I love unconditionally. I would move mountains for them.

Do you mean “in a contributing to society” sort of way? In which case your job presumably. Or if it’s more “what the heck do I do with my time” then interests and hobbies.

@burningbatches

"Any argument that rests on saying we cannot generalise about a human experiences is an argument without merit.

We very clearly can generalise about human experiences and we very clearly can generalise about parental love and bonding"

OK. In that case, if you think that parental love trumps all loves, then you've clearly not experienced spousal love because if you had then you'd feel differently.

Absolute nonsense. How on earth does having children "guarantee" that you won't be lonely in old age?!
Such narrow thinking......

I know this thread is. It's not really aimed at parents, though. Just as I don't comment on threads where parents are asking for advice about breastfeeding, or weaning, or how to cope with teenagers etc.

We've asked several times for the board to be removed from Active but MN has refused to do it. I accept that posters often don't see what board they're posting on.

Edited to add - I also think it's disingenuous to suggest that you're not allowed to be negative about parents on MN. It isn't a safe space where you're only permitted to say positive things. Obviously there are guidelines around being abusive etc. but I don't think anyone on this thread has fallen foul of that.

You really have a very limited imagination don't you?

@gannett

The issue you really need to confront isn't whether your life has purpose or not, but that you let this person make you feel that way. I'm child-free and I've been told that, too. I just think those people aren't merely insensitive but actively stupid, and I pity them. It doesn't make sense that they pity me, because I really enjoy my life.

I wholeheartedly agree with this and I feel a kind of fury at people who think you need to have children to have a "purpose".

Imagine the sort of person who believes people have no greater value in life than to reproduce their DNA. Imagine being the sort of person who has so little imagination that they can't conceive of people without children enjoying life. Imaging being so small minded you don't believe women can be happy without children. Imagine how limited their lives and imaginations are.

OP you're just had your confidence dented by being around idiots for too long. It's not you, it's them. The solution is to take yourself away from this sort of rubbish and find better friends.

It's not a thread about wanting to be a mum, that's the whole point.

It’s bizarre because OP’s question is clearly aimed at childfree people finding purpose.

No!
I mean 1) why do we need a purpose? We're born, we live a few decades, and then we die.
And 2) if we do need a purpose, then what is wrong with careers/ families/friends/education/interests/volunteering/sports/politics/charities/religion etc etc..... all the things that concern everyone, regardless of whether or not they have children

If we're saying that the only point of any of us is to reproduce, then that's very sad - and untrue.

Is the thread in AIBU?

I wonder if it is the impending marriage that has set you thinking like this? Is your future DH a bit older than you? If so, it's not kids that you should be thinking about it's being a Nurse with a Purse if he needs looking after in years to come! I know the same could happen to you, but statistics.....

Anyway how are you feeling about your upcoming wedding? Excited and thrilled and full of joy to be marrying the love of your life? That should be what you feel right now, not having babies IMO.

With a due nod to the mums out there, I have to say that every time I see my nieces and nephews and their often frazzled parents, the snots, the shits, the tantrums, the ferrying here there and everywhere, baby seats, cots, the nightmare logistics of holidays with kids, I sit back and think - yep that's not for me and it never will be.

We all have our missions in life and mine is to love the kids that are in my immediate family, but to be very very glad to hand them back too!

Check peri and other blood levels OP. Something doesn't sound right in you, and something very simple to fix health wise might improve things for you.