Feel like I’m going crazy and being gaslit

Start making your contingency plan. Don't wait to be dumped. Failing that get yourself some independence, maybe few hours volunteering or working.

This. I also picked up on the fact he’s happy to share a bed with a child but do zero childcare. This feels wrong.

And yes I agree about the example you’re setting your children; no one deserves to be treated like this. It’s coercive control and you absolutely can divorce over this. He also sounds narcissistic but that’s not for me to diagnose without knowing him.

Definitely get out - you say it’ll be hard, but this doesn’t sound easy, fun or safe. Get back in touch with your family, and make plans to leave. Yes you’ve been foolish but get back working and leave, no excuse to stay in the foolish situation.

Never mind leaving him - personally, I would shoot the bastard.

I left my husband due to this issue and his family grew worse and worse as the years went on. I’ve lost those years now but at least I saw the light eventually. It is not your fault to want privacy, help at home, respect. It’s basic needs he’s neglecting!

Make sure you have a good solicitor (one experienced in family law, divorce etc) on speed dial I suggest. And start collecting evidence your other half can't destroy.

I'd consider marriage counseling first, considering that there are young children involved and you said it would be hard to leave. Best wishes.

How do you access money at the moment then? I would start putting away money each week so you have something to leave with. Do you have family you can go back to, if so this would speed everything up? Somehow you are going to have to work and find somewhere to live, I can see why this is scary but he sounds absolutely awful to live with so you need to start making plans.

Sorry but this sounds so awful for you. I think you can have a nice life without him. It may take a while but you will get there. I think it can really boost morale if you start quietly making plans to leave without sharing them . Putting feelers out about benefits etc. Getting in touch with any decent family members. So many women would be better off on their own

Why did they come into your room?! This is bizarre, and completely overstepping any normal boundaries with in-laws.

You are not being treated as an equal in your own house by any of them.

OP contact a domestic abuse organisation which ever is local to you don’t overly worry about money for now you will be able to claim Universal credit until you get back on your feet first thing is getting out of the relationship DA can help with this and will help find or put you in touch with housing associations or council they will support you you are in a domestic abusive relationship emotional financial abuse and mental abuse I’m not saying it’s easy but it will 100% be worth it honestly wishing you the best of luck

I had to give up my bedroom which I sleep in with dc2.

No way I would accommodate this.

My partner would try this at the beginning of our relationship when his family come to stay over. I simply did the bare minimum and no way am I giving up my own room.

In fact what I do now if they stay over is leave them to it and visit family of my own.

I m sorry if that's not very useful, (not sure if you have family nearby or if you can drive) but could you perhaps just ignore them and do your own thing with the kids when his family come over?

Also what I sometimes do even now ( I have two under two) when his family visit and expect me to cater and slave around for them is I leave with the kids, taking them on a long pram walk until they fall asleep and I just chill at a cafe with a book and a coffee.

I actually enjoyed hosting my in-laws but since having my second baby, I am absolutely knackered and hate that they haven't helped at all or invited me over yet expect me to cater to them like a maid and my husband hasn't stood up for me.

I don't even complain to my husband about it - the moment he mentions they are visiting I just say "Oh how lovely, well I wish I could stay but I have some errands to run / shopping / meeting a friend" etc. and I leave him to do the hosting etc. then come home at dinner time to whatever he has prepared or ordered. I eat with them, mention I need to get the kids ready for bed and then sleep / retire to my room.

Maybe try that approach x

I also understand your baby is teething, my 7 month old is too, please try some anbesol (spelling?) and if he is in too much pain, one dose of Calpol will not hurt before his bedtime so you can get some sleep, especially if he is waking up every hour.

I wouldn't recommend Calpol every night, just one dose when his teething pain is really bad and he is suffering so he can relax and get a few hours of sleep - and so can you x

This probably isn't going to go down very well but sod it...are his family british? I only ask because to go into your room before 7am id so rude and just...odd...but some cultures might do this and it be the norm? If so then u need to tell them that it is not okay and you aren't comfortable with that! However I think the bigger picture here is your partner, he sounds like a total tit, do you even love him?

I’m in the messy stage of leaving my H. It’s hard, you will need every ounce of resolve but please don’t stay because you’re scared of how hard it will be to leave - I did that and so wish I hadn’t. What you describe is a financially and emotionally abusive relationship. Sometimes you need someone else to point that out and it has been done plenty on this thread. Agree with a pp to have a look at narcissistic behaviours and also consider coercive control. If you are in TikTok or Instagram I’ve found Lorna Dougan really helpful in understanding toxic and narcissistic behaviours. You will be entitled to financial support. You’ll qualify for legal aid so have a look for a family solicitor too who can explain your options. If you have anyone you trust IRL who you can reach out to and talk through what has been happening - parent/friend it makes it so much easier to push forward with what you need to do.

You refer to him as your DH but say you're not married?
Is he your husband or partner?

I think you should leave him, regardless, but him being a DH would offer you more financial protection to leave.

You need to leave op. Please speak to women’s aid and/or the other helplines mentioned on this thread. Get legal advice. You know you are in a very vulnerable position financially and you need to know exactly where you stand. It really is vital you get a job op - you will be needing your own money. He’s a shit and he won’t change. For gods sake don’t have more kids.

When the family have left and he is back at work try and find any paper work dealing with bank accounts, mortgage etc., and hide it at your mother’s or someone in your family if they live nearby or somewhere he never goes to in your home.
Can you speak to your family, can they help?

Find a solicitor, phone round to see which is most sympathetic to your problem or go to citizens advice bureau to ask them, it’s free.

See if there are any local jobs available which will enable you to work round DC and babies’ needs. You don’t say how old DC are.

When you next see your health person ask about the birth control implant in your arm that lasts for three years.

Your DH sounds like a CF. Are you in the UK? Start looking into what support you can get if you left. If you’re not married then I suspect it will be you and the kids who need to leave, but he’ll owe you CMA which might help a little. Find out all your rights now.
Can single parenting be any harder than your life right now? I doubt it.

But also, it’s not his job to put in boundaries for you - if his family are in your room when you’ve woken up you can say “I’ve just woken up and need a few mins of privacy, I’ll join you downstairs in a moment”. It’s not rude and maybe they’ll start to learn how to respect your space. If you don’t think you’re worth that, then just think - your kids will learn how to set boundaries for themselves from you.

You don’t HAVE to do anything apart from care for your kids. You don’t HAVE to clean for his family or socialise with them. If he wants to act like a housemate, you can act like a housemate. And if they say anything about the state of the house you can mention you’re up all night and busy with the kids, but maybe he’d have had time to clean it if he didn’t need more naps than your toddler.

I acknowledge that this is a spiteful response, please don’t use it if you think you he’ll ever be violent. In that case, just leave.

Gemmabakes, big hug. Reading your post is like looking at my life in a mirror. We've been married 27yrs but now separated. Take the advice of these lovely MN people and leave him. I'd been a single wife for 21+yrs it is lonely as hell and nearly destroyed me. Call your family, womens aid and citizens advice, you need support - you've done nothing wrong but have the power to make this right. My family and friends supported me that's how I got through it. Good luck to you 🙏
As soon as we had kids, I was basically forced to be a SAHM through relentless nagging but, mainly because it was always me having to take time off work whenever the kids were sick. My job became untenable and his work was always more important but he started treating me like a servant. He hid in his work, went to bars after work etc. "client events" blah blah, 1000's of broken promises, silent treatment and withholding. My needs were met with, "that's just not going to happen". It's easy to see this now in hindsight but at the time I was totally dependent on him and still in love, so I chose to hunker down, raise the kids and get joy where I could. But aged around 6 my kids told my MiL I had 3 kids, including HIM! They saw it. She did not like that. Neither did I, but it was true. He laughed.
My in laws sound just like yours, nice enough to my face, spoke gently but it was usually barbed or underhand. Like you, I always rushed around doing the housework and prepping meals (while he had a lie in from working so hard all week!!) then he played the perfect host when they came. But they never stayed with us: When my 1st was born, after 3 days labour and an emergency cs, they turned up, without my knowledge, just as I was put on the labour ward, all in my face. NEVER again.

Oh OP that is actually scary. You really truly have to leave him. This no way to live at all. He is a bad man. Tell friends and family and garner support. Good luck. 💐

Book the hotel, then empty half the savings account into one of your own. Try and find a solicitor too.

OP, whatever you do is going to be wrong as far as your DH is concerned. Re his family, he’s learned his behaviour from somewhere so they’re maybe not as nice as you think. DH isn’t going to do anything to ensure your boundaries are respected so you have to do that yourself. If they’re actually nice all it needs is a quick “Would it be ok if you don’t come into my room in the morning? It’s not something I like as it can take me a while to wake up…”. Tell them outright. Do as a pp said and say you did mention it DH but he took offence for some reason and started an argument and let them know you think that’s ridiculous which is why you’re mentioning it. He’s ramped up the drama so you’re now worried about their reaction and are assuming you’re in the wrong and trying to keep everyone happy. It’s totally normal to not want people in your room at 6.30am!

I do feel for you. I am much further down the line but had 3 kids with my ex who I was not married to. Stayed togther for 20’years and then he chucked us all out of the house. He manipulated me gaslighted me and spent money on himself. I left with nothing as I had no rights as I wasn’t married. Really think long term. Will he change. What will happen if you stay with him long term. How will he behave with the kids when they are older. My ex was verbally abusive to the kids aswell. So sorry you are in this situation.

Does this prince charming and his shitty family have any redeeming features? Honestly, being a single mom would be paradise compared to this.