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Original poster

Too harsh on ND child?

234 replies

itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:18

DS ADHD (and dyspraxia. Also likely ASD, but it’s his ADHD behind most of the challenging behaviours).

He’s 10, and just really hard work on the weekend especially when not medicated. Constant negativity when he doesn’t get his own way. Zero frustration tolerance. But what DH and I find most infuriating is the wind up behaviour, the back chat and rudeness.

Do you let some things like that go? The pestering siblings for example? Tonight DS, DD and I watching TV, cuddled up. He bothers DD, so I move to sit in between. He bothers her again, I send him out of the room for 5 minutes. He bothers her the third time, he is sent straight for his shower and bed. Cue major anger which for him means constant back chat, refusal to let anyone else have the last word, aggressive behaviours (I don’t think he would ever really hurt us but he will test the waters by gently pushing me or DH). “Shush”ing us constantly when we’re speaking, really disrespectful stuff. Eventually he is sobbing, saying he has a headache. No remorse in these scenarios typically (he is much better behaved at school and will always be remorseful if he does wrong, same with friends).

We try our best to keep our cool but it does end up in taking away tech for 1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks because he doesn’t stop even when told. That’s what he was sobbing about tonight, he’s now lost his iPad for 2 weeks.

OP posts:
Jshrbt · 16/03/2025 21:44

I totally understand where you’re coming from; it’s very hard not to react but I have found with my DC that no response is better, trying not to get into the cycle where your response is the dopamine hit and giving a consequence in the middle of a meltdown never works but you know that and I still forget that in the moment.
Whether this is right or wrong I’m coaching my other DC to not respond and ignore the wind ups (as best as I can) and try to remove one of them from situations like this; sometimes that’s taking my non ASD child out of the room

Pensionableperil · 16/03/2025 21:44

itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:43

Hated that book! The ADHD Dude and Allison Leigh Solomon are the approaches we try to follow.

Show quote history

How is that working for you?

Pensionableperil · 16/03/2025 21:43

BigRenoLittleBudget · 16/03/2025 21:42

I disagree with this and haven’t ever found any proper evidence to support this position. People say it all the time and yet there is no evidence that a) kids with adhd can use tech as an EFFECTIVE self regulation tool and b) there are positive effects from letting ND kids having often unlimited access to tech

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I didn’t say unlimited. But I do think a long long ban is pointless. Short bursts seems to work better.

Original poster
itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:43

Treesinthewind · 16/03/2025 21:41

Have a look into PDA and "The Explosive Child"

Hated that book! The ADHD Dude and Allison Leigh Solomon are the approaches we try to follow.

OP posts:
Nn9011 · 16/03/2025 21:42

I can totally understand your frustration and I can see how annoying that must be but I think you need to try and be more proactive in moments like this. Your son is communicating a need when he behaves like this and you need to try and address it before it becomes an issue. Nd kids hear 10s of thousands more negative things than NT kids, imagine how you could reduce that by stepping in early.
When he starts winding up/dopamine seeking you need to assess the situation - what is he telling me, how do I provide what he needs. Later you can communicate when you feel like this, this is how you can tell us you need it and over time he may learn to communicate better or he might not but at least you'll know what works.

Also I'm ND and a problem I've seen in parents is internalized ableism. The idea that we coped or dealt with situations so the child should be able to. I think it's guilt/shame/sadness over things we experiences and it's not easy to overcome but your son needs you to be his voice when it comes to your husband.

As for medication breaks, as an adult I've been recommended it and I just want to communicate how deeply hard it is for the person who isn't getting the medication. I find it so hard to function on days I'm not taking my meds and am really trying to get my doctor to consider moving me to one that I don't need a break from and that's an adult so please have patience and empathy for your son. I know you probably do try and I get that his behavior has an effect on you and your whole family so I hope it doesn't come across as thinking you don't have empathy but I'd just encourage you to have as much as you can because it will have such as impact on the adult he can become if he has that support instead of guilt/shame/fear of being himself.

BigRenoLittleBudget · 16/03/2025 21:42

Pensionableperil · 16/03/2025 21:30

Noooooo you’re doing it wroonnnngggg

Youre cutting off your nose to spite your face. ADHD kids self regulate with tech. So give it. And find different ways to manage.

I disagree with this and haven’t ever found any proper evidence to support this position. People say it all the time and yet there is no evidence that a) kids with adhd can use tech as an EFFECTIVE self regulation tool and b) there are positive effects from letting ND kids having often unlimited access to tech

Original poster
itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:42

It’s so hard to give immediate consequences because he doesn’t go to his room/leave the room without a fight. He is big, we cannot physically remove him (also that will lead nowhere good if we cannot do anything without physical force - eventually he is going to be huger than me and won’t budge)

OP posts:
Treesinthewind · 16/03/2025 21:41

Have a look into PDA and "The Explosive Child"

Pensionableperil · 16/03/2025 21:41

itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:39

Yes I know what you mean, but to be honest as he gets older the longer term consequences have had more effect. I often notice his behaviour improves with a Tech ban anyway. It’s more along the lines of, this iPad is a privilege, for boys who can be sensible and mature, and until you can behave like that, you’re not sensible nor mature enough to have the iPad.

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That’s all well
and good but you need to have a replacement to hand. A good one at that.

Pensionableperil · 16/03/2025 21:40

itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:36

But the answer isn’t to give limitless tech time? The dopamine from tech isn’t necessarily the “right” dopamine hit. Also there is too much dopamine…it’s a minefield!

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For some kids that IS the answer, especially in the absence of a neurological stimulant. And what is the “right” dopamine hit?

I have 3 with ADHD and I’ll take whatever dopamine hit is available - ideally from outdoor sports and heavy horticulture, and some field archeology. But kindly, you have to do what gets you ALL through and if the house is calm because he gets tech, give it.

Original poster
itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:39

thatsfunnybecause · 16/03/2025 21:37

It’s not the taking tech that’s the problem OP
(My DS doesn’t have his own iPad and has very little screen time, tech doesn’t help him either.)
It’s the long term consequence that’s the problem, if his punishment is lasting a month anyway what’s the incentive to behave that month? You keeping him stuck in a negative cycle. Immediate short term consequences and then move on.

Yes I know what you mean, but to be honest as he gets older the longer term consequences have had more effect. I often notice his behaviour improves with a Tech ban anyway. It’s more along the lines of, this iPad is a privilege, for boys who can be sensible and mature, and until you can behave like that, you’re not sensible nor mature enough to have the iPad.

OP posts:
Original poster
itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:38

Pensionableperil · 16/03/2025 21:34

And there’s your problem. DH getting into “well he’s not the boss of me” and the heat rises. Is he medicated too?

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Yes he is medicated, again not a magic bullet and again wears off by the evening.

I would like to see how many adults could be pushed and have an aggressive 10 year old in their face shouting SHUSH constantly and not get angry. I think DH did well to just give a tech ban consequence rather than shout at him! ADHD or no ADHD, it’s so hard to keep your cool with a child if that age when they’re behaving like that.

OP posts:
Pensionableperil · 16/03/2025 21:37

itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:34

@redphonecase @Pensionableperil a few reasons - we were advised to take a break due to the effect it has on appetite and growth. And also, because the brain can get too used to it if you never take breaks, making is less effective.

The medication isn’t a magic bullet and it’s worn off by the evening anyway. Not such a problem in the week as he does endless sports after school which are brilliant for him.

Who told you this? I’m prepared to guess it wasn’t a prescribing consultant paediatrician…

thatsfunnybecause · 16/03/2025 21:37

It’s not the taking tech that’s the problem OP
(My DS doesn’t have his own iPad and has very little screen time, tech doesn’t help him either.)
It’s the long term consequence that’s the problem, if his punishment is lasting a month anyway what’s the incentive to behave that month? You keeping him stuck in a negative cycle. Immediate short term consequences and then move on.

Original poster
itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:36

Pensionableperil · 16/03/2025 21:33

Read what you’ve written : he’s dopamine seeking. Tech gives him that.

But the answer isn’t to give limitless tech time? The dopamine from tech isn’t necessarily the “right” dopamine hit. Also there is too much dopamine…it’s a minefield!

OP posts:
redphonecase · 16/03/2025 21:35

itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:34

@redphonecase @Pensionableperil a few reasons - we were advised to take a break due to the effect it has on appetite and growth. And also, because the brain can get too used to it if you never take breaks, making is less effective.

The medication isn’t a magic bullet and it’s worn off by the evening anyway. Not such a problem in the week as he does endless sports after school which are brilliant for him.

If he's losing weight fine, but the get used to it thing is nonsense

Original poster
itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:34

@redphonecase @Pensionableperil a few reasons - we were advised to take a break due to the effect it has on appetite and growth. And also, because the brain can get too used to it if you never take breaks, making is less effective.

The medication isn’t a magic bullet and it’s worn off by the evening anyway. Not such a problem in the week as he does endless sports after school which are brilliant for him.

OP posts:
Maladie · 16/03/2025 21:34

It sounds exhausting for everyone but I wouldn't expect DD to just put up with being wound up. I think I'd just stop the film and do it another time if it's not working rather than escalating.

Ideally find ways to meet his energy with "flatness"/low energy, or you'll just escalate each other, but I know that is hard with ADHD.

If someone is annoyed at ppl talking over the TV we just pause the TV. No one needs to snap at people talking over it, they just look for the remote control.

Pensionableperil · 16/03/2025 21:34

itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:33

Not sure how I can get DH on board for this. He is also ADHD so you’d think it would be easy but actually I think it makes it so much worse. He (DH) also cannot be “told” what to do when it comes to parenting! He’s generally on board with a lot of the stuff we’re trying but he is so triggered by the rudeness and backchat (as am I).

Show quote history

And there’s your problem. DH getting into “well he’s not the boss of me” and the heat rises. Is he medicated too?

Pensionableperil · 16/03/2025 21:33

Read what you’ve written : he’s dopamine seeking. Tech gives him that.

Original poster
itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:33

ManchesterGirl2 · 16/03/2025 21:31

It sounds like he's struggling to regulate his behaviour once he's sent out. Then things get on a cycle of getting worse and worse. Maybe once he's been sent to bed, try ignoring further protests and bad behaviour unless dangerous, so he has to endure the original consequence but it doesn't keep escalating.

Not sure how I can get DH on board for this. He is also ADHD so you’d think it would be easy but actually I think it makes it so much worse. He (DH) also cannot be “told” what to do when it comes to parenting! He’s generally on board with a lot of the stuff we’re trying but he is so triggered by the rudeness and backchat (as am I).

OP posts:
Pensionableperil · 16/03/2025 21:32

redphonecase · 16/03/2025 21:31

Why isn't he medicated at the weekend? Crazy to stop if it works.

Absolutely!!!!!!

redphonecase · 16/03/2025 21:31

Why isn't he medicated at the weekend? Crazy to stop if it works.

Pensionableperil · 16/03/2025 21:31

For people with ADHD there are very often only two time zones : Now, and Not Now. So long punishments are utterly pointless.

Original poster
itscoldplay · 16/03/2025 21:31

Pensionableperil · 16/03/2025 21:30

Noooooo you’re doing it wroonnnngggg

Youre cutting off your nose to spite your face. ADHD kids self regulate with tech. So give it. And find different ways to manage.

I appreciate your post and it may work for you, but Tech does my DS no favours so we have to regulate it.

OP posts: