Too harsh on ND child?

Couple of thoughts (I have 2 ND girls who are now adults):

He is wired differently and his needs might not cope what a "regular" family would do eg watching a film. Maybe shorter comedies like Mr Bean would work better?

Lots of physical activity during the day.

When he starts acting up, redirection not escalation. And escalation can include telling off.

Think regulation all the time - for all of you. The most important thing is to keep everyone regulated. Punishment in particular can be escalating for no good outcome.

We were taught on a course to say " You aren't strong enough right now to.......so I'm going to help you" and whisk them off and out to something they can cope with. It stops any shaming and stops any escalation.

Try reading the book "The Out of Synch Child".

Try to get out of the idea that good parenting requires punishment. Other people will think you are being soft, but actually, taking stuff away or putting a child in a time out just hands all responsibility for repairing what happened to a child who isn't able to process it - we know this because they keep making the same choices/ mistakes. Kids like this need a lot more scaffolding from their parents.

Don't compare him to your daughter or expect him to do what she can.

Focus on your relationship. It helps when they are teenagers if they think you understand and are trying to help rather than still punishing them.

Good luck x

Exactly this op. Your parenting style is fine for a neuro typical kid, but yours is neuro diverse.

'Instead of focusing on punishment, prioritize positive reinforcement, clear expectations, and understanding the unique needs of neurodiverse children to foster positive behavior and emotional regulation'

Could you seek some help from CYPS? You have to be careful when disciplining a ND child; it really isn't the same. Please don't threaten to take Tech away, it is counterproductive. I have to adapt my parenting style for mine.

ASD DC here but we get some of the same wind up behaviour and back chat and once it escalates it is a nightmare as he can't regulate himself so I do let a lot of things go which my DH really struggles to do and also makes extensive threats relating to the iPad and gets stuck in a negative spiral. I feel like I have a lot more success in connecting with DC and getting what I want to happen without a meltdown and that I am modelling the behaviour I want to see. DH thinks I am lax at parenting but I think modelling shouting and angry responses is not great. Have you tried reading low demand parenting or the explosive child? Might be helpful

I have one like that who is also 10.
Exact same issues, ADHD/ASD etc.
I try to redirect the situation if he is pestering siblings. In times when he gets annoyed I let him just rant in his room.
We home educate but I found those incidents are way down now to even how life was 2 years ago.
Basically all comes to lack of dopamine. Their brain seeks it and it can be in positive or negative way.
Try trampoline, bear hugs, slime, new song or anything new really.

OP I get it, my DC is exactly like this but with added violence against me and sibling. It's so hard to keep calm, and I don't blame you for getting frustrated.

When my DC is domapine seeking, I tend to ignore the bad behaviour and remove myself/sibling and if this leads to meltdown leave them to calm down in their room, however they need to. I used to make things worse by over talking and being cross. There is no point in long punishments for ADHD children. Being sent to their room was enough. It's tough though so you have my sympathies.

It’s so difficult on a journey with our dc (7) who I think is adhd/asd. I go back & forth with tech I give them iPad and switch time but it’s restricted no you tube except as a family. I have tried before to withdraw it but ultimately decided limiting was better for them.
It’s impossible not to lose your cool at times no one is a saint. I think as parents we try to resolve the situation ultimately we know it’s not the best but try anything. A big trigger for me is when they hurt their sibling.
you sound like you have done all the research and are trying to do what is best for your family 👏🏻

How old is his sister? And it seems as if you are getting involved and punishing straight away - is that becuase if you don’t he could get aggressive towards her.

it is just things seem to escalate v quickly including your anger which can’t help

Finding a way to regulate his emotions and teach him how to do so is probably going to be the best thing you can do, same for your daughter as well. It doesn't have to be explicit - you're acting like this so we're going to do xyz. It could just be oh they're seeking a fight, that means dopamine so we're going to change what he/she's doing to this.
It sounds like your daughter's seeking behavior may have been the cause of this fight, helping her may actually help the 2 of them be less reactive.
One other thing to be careful of with your daughter is that she may seem flexible but it's because she has to be compared to him. I think ND girls get treated more stricter than their male ND siblings because we subconsciously expect them to behave better and because their ADHD symptoms often manifest in ways that are seen more as moral failings like messiness than outbursts like your son.

I think there's probably no easy win because there's no cure, only doing your best and it does sound like you're really trying and that's the most important thing. It's all trial and error.

Why is he not medicated on the weekends. I think that would cause him distress. It’s to help him, why are they taking it away. Just curious bc I don’t know much about this but my grandson is being evaluated at the moment.

This is great advice. Thank you from mom to ASD and most likely ADHD 9.5 year old exactly like this. I'm going to do this all week.

I read this about ADHD which I thought was very interesting:

‘It has been suggested that for every fifteen negative comments that a child with ADHD receives, there is only one positive comment, and that, by age twelve, children with ADHD receive 20,000 more negative messages from parents, teachers, and other adults than their non-ADHD peers. Knowing this, it is not difficult to understand why ADHDers might be more sensitive to or triggered by feelings of rejection…

The key lesson here, as for all [ADHD] traits and experiences, is to be kind. If you can both a) be careful with the words you use, and b) be patient if someone perceives those words as rejection, then you can make a really huge difference.’

From Unmasked: The Ultimate Guide to ADHD, Autism and Neurodivergence by Ellie Middleton

@Nn9011 mentioned triggers. The sensory overload of people talking while TV is on is something everyone struggles with in our ND household. It's like nails on chalkboard when your brain can't unscramble it. I wonder if that might be triggering for him too, and why his shushing gets so aggressive so quickly.

You're really shaming him for being neurodiverse OP. You should be doing the exact opposite - acknowledge, highlight, 'see' the sensible & mature boy in him, and let him thrive. It needs the patience of a saint, but you are basically blaming him & punishing him (far too harshly) for ... essentially being who he is. Power struggles with ADHD kids are just on a hiding to nothing. Cut the poor kid some slack - I guarantee you he has enough to deal with to get through a school day, and needs the grace, love and support of his family - to love him unconditionally, just for being the absolutely brilliant young chap I have every faith he is.You'll never win, you'll set him up to fail (eventually he could lash out due to frustration you're creating in him unfairly), and you'll blame him even more. It's great you posted - you realise the current state of affairs isn't working - but please, fully reconsider your current strategies and remember: your boy is brilliant and good enough exactly how he is! Good luck.

It's so hard and I can only give my perspective from being ND not parenting it so I totally get the punishment bit. I would say the biggest thing that has allowed me to address my own struggles has been identifying triggers and being able to link it to what I need. Now obviously things that i'lI struggle with might be different from your son but I think that perspective will help.

If you can see the patterns, know the next behavior and direct it away it won't work every time but it will allow you to try. For example if they annoy each other, make them sit on different seats from the beginning and give him something to keep him occupied like fidget toys so he is getting dopamine whilst watching the movie. Sitting still to watch a movie is really hard so anticipating that will help. I think punishment for bad behavior as a result of a choice he's making is totally fair but if he's in situations we know he'll struggle with that's not fair on him.

If he struggles with emotional meltdowns or having the last word, you can't have a conversation with reasoning in that moment, it will never work. You need to direct his emotions away by doing whatever works and then come back and discuss whatever it was later when he's back level. Remember that he likely has rejection sensitivity so he's probably more sensitive than the average person so how you phrase things is really important.

He's never going to be able to cope like a NT child will in majority of situations so setting him and you all to be in a better position to start with is going to make all your lives easier.

I think with ND children (I have two) it's sometimes better to try to manage the situation and pre-empt any bad behaviour. Sitting through a whole film can be hard for a child with ADHD. So you could do things like sit the siblings away from each other so he doesn't bother her. Or build in regular snack/movement breaks. Or give up on the idea of family movie nights. Have nights when you watch films with your DD and other times when you do it with your DS - you could watch a film over a few nights so he doesn't have to sit for a prolonged period, or choose a TV series to watch together so he doesn't have to sit through more than an episode. Alternatively if he doesn't enjoy films, just find a different family activity to do together, like going for a walk.

Avoid creating situations that are likely to lead to bad behaviour and arguments.

So you're happy with the consequences. Happy not to medicate. Just unhappy because someone else is 'triggered'. OK then.

His behaviour is improving with a tech ban due to the lack of tech not because of the ‘punishment’. By all means limit tech but do it permanently not as a punishment, your essentially dangling it like a carrot and teaching him to pretend to behave only to get the tech back not to actually be well behaved and responsible.