Too harsh on ND child?

@itscoldplay That was a really daft 'consequence'...only make consequences that you can realistically follow through.

Regarding him physically ''pushing''..nip that RIGHT in the bud, as it's literally pushing boundaries, and when he is towering over you at 15/16 he will be very strong.

Punishments must be followed through, the worst thing you can do is to give in.

this shows you are 'weak'.
You are lucky to have a husband there- it's much harder on your own.

At least one of you can go out to get some peace.

I wonder if the first thing to do is to find out what actually helps him calm down? I don't mean distract him with tech but there must be something that helps him not get so fired up that he could do on a train when he feels enough is enough to get him to a safe space to explode. And also what behaviours will keep him calmer for longer, so when something does happen he isn't so stressed that he reacts quickly.

I watched this documentary with Alistair Campbell about managment of stress, and they use a bottle to show how stressed he gets, and then all the things that he does to increase the length of the bottle i.e. walking, running, avoiding alcohol etc.. so it stops getting full.

Maybe start with what you do to calm down and take it from there, or even how do you recognise you are angry in the first place.

We've found the complete opposite. He was quiet whilst on it, but 10x worse after for a long time. We've cut down completely to screens for 2 hours per weekend and none on weekdays, and it was a tough first few weeks but has hugely helped longer term with him being calmer and getting along with sibling better.
There's even a difference directly after it on weekends still, but not as bad as before and i wouldn't agree with completely stopping it as its part of society now.

A few things stand out to me.
One is to give a gentle reminder that not actively punishing doesn't mean you are accepting a behaviour.
Another that he mentions how much criticism he gets. He is obviously upset by the criticism. So I guess you can extrapolate it doesn't work if he funds it upsetting but still does criticism attracting behaviours.
The other is that you said this "DS is very good at creating and sucking us into the ADHD vortex". Are you attaching intent to his behaviour that is really how it makes you feel, not what he plans? Presumably he isn't a calculating family-controlling mastermind? He's 10.

Took a while for me figure w adhd DS that he escalated quickly as defensive response. Which made situation worse. (And he is always yelled at, bad, wrong etc while siblings watch w smug faces)

I started to instead, pull him in for a hug. Take him to another room to talk. Because he couldn’t really control self all the time, in the moment - so punishing not effective. Siblings can’t watch a smug faces if we calmly talking in next room.

It made house less stressful, and quieter and he’s not as afraid & defensive when does wrong,

Ah no problem. I was thinking it must certainly be time for me to sleep now as I don't remember saying this stuff 😴

I am firmly in the positive reinforcement camp, no sudden lengthy punishments, and do what works best for you, your family and your child. As another poster said, you meet one, you meet one. We all just have to do the best we can for our families. We know our own children the best, and I have found it can definately be trial and error.

Sorry, you replied to someone quoting someone else. My response was for the original poster.

I suspect that some of the argumentative and ‘needing to be right or have the last word’ responses from posters here are dopamine seeking behaviours in themselves.

We are into the positive reinforcement approach as well, and not punishments. It is working well for ds.

It helped my ADHD daughter.

There are so many judgemental posters on here who seem to think they know the magic bullet for raising a ND child. Just because your own kids may have adhd/asd/other, doesnt mean all kids with adhd/asd/other will respond well to your way of parenting. The OP will know her son much better than some posters on MN. Whatever happened to if you know one autistic/adhd child, then you know one autistic/adhd child....

I used to find focusing on the positive with little rewards worked best for my dd. She wasn’t diagnosed until 17. But when she was little we found this the best strategy.

Getting into endless punishments just made everything worse.

Focus on the good.

Played outside
Surely they don't "regulate" with tech. They are just quietly feeding their addiction and not bothering their parents. Which I can totally see that parents need a break, but surely can't be helpful in the long run.

Where have I said this? Please quote me word for word. Or are you making that huge assumption from:

Got shouted at, and told they were a "naughty child" probably for things they couldn't help. Thank god we have progressed in this area!'

I have not said what you're l I have said and that is certainly not my view.

No, you are suggesting that a child who can’t regulate themselves around screens should be allowed to access them more in order to use it as emotion regulation.

That may be helpful for some children, but for those with ADHD it is likely to do more harm than good.

We never allowed that with DSS but anytime he was allowed to play a video game he was angrier when it was time to finish than if he’s not allowed it all. He was relying entirely on external things like screens to manage his emotions and to prevent boredom, when boredom is the place where creativity happens.

On subject of screens for ND child.
I totally hate YouTube obsession, specially mindless shorts, but don't mind my kids playing games together.
I find if I allow too much, the attention goes away and drama starts.
I blocked YouTube on Wifi and 4 days in kids play together more and are nicer to each other.
I think youTube shorts in particular make ADHD behaviour (and many adults too) much worse. It's killing attention span.

I'm a bit confused. I'm not advocating tech in bedrooms at 5? Did you mean to quote me?
My child has both autism and adhd. I wouldn't threaten to take tech away as a punishment. It isn't in his room to start with, though. He uses it downstairs only, and it works well, he isn't on it all of the time. He loves all of the educational things, coding etc, and it relaxes him. All DCs are different whether they're ND or not. My dc loves black and white clear rigid rules, and nothing sprung on him out of the blue. Positive reinforcement works well.

Sorry but ASD and ADHD are not the same, neurologically. Removing tech has been a game changer for my ADHD DSS because he cannot regulate himself around it. He was basically allowed to watch as much as he wanted and had a TV and console in his room at the age of 5 and we paid the price. Without it he is drawing, reading, doing a host of other great things and is feeling much better about himself
as a result. And then really enjoys when he gets to watch movies etc as a family or alone.

I have found grownowadhd and the adhd dude invaluable resources for dealing with child with ADHD. Reacting as little as possible whilst having clear, enforceable consequences for the behaviours, and we have no screen time at all during the week and only TV, usually movies, on the weekend. He has been so much better since we made that change. There are still struggles but it really helps. We do have immediate negative consequences for bad behaviour as he won’t respond to anything else when wound up in that cycle. ‘If you choose be aggressive then you choose to have X removed’ and then earn things back with consistent good behaviour.

Also focus on earning other things he wants and praising good behaviour of course. We also have outlets for him that help such as a punching bag and other things that help when he is feeling destructive that won’t make him feel worse afterward.

Got shouted at, and told they were a "naughty child" probably for things they couldn't help. Thank god we have progressed in this area!

What did they do before the days of tech?

You need to ignore the secondary behaviour. When you give a consequence he will react - don’t then punish the reaction, or you will be in an escalating situation. Instead try empathising - yes your angry that you’ve been sent out.

Way, way too harsh. And you’re not prepared to listen to anyone really, you’re very defensive in your replies. You clearly know best about tech, your dh, medicating etc etc. 🤦🏼‍♀️

My son is 12 and has autism and if I took his tech away for even a day it would be the end of the world, for all of us. If tech is such an issue you feel you have to be so strict about it then you need to be more laid back about it, not tighter. It shows it’s really important to him if it’s become such a huge thing you’re using it as a punishment. Many kids with autism and adhd need tech to calm down, regulate, relax. They can’t amuse themselves in the same way as other dc.

You’re setting him up to fail by having unrealistic expectations of him when he isn’t taking his medication. That’s not fair on him. Expecting him to sit still and quiet for the duration of a film is far too long for him just now. Especially when you have chosen to not give him his medication! You can’t have it both ways! It’s like expecting a child with visual impairment to watch a film without their glasses on. It’s just not fair.
And you can tell him you love him a thousand times a day but that isn’t what he hears because when he NEEDS YOU, you send him away and shout at him. Actions speak louder than words in these circumstances.

The punishment sound much too harsh and prolonged.
wny are you expecting a child with ADHD to sit quietly to watch a movie?
why is he unmedicated?