Too harsh on ND child?

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice …um, no I didn’t and I’ve already explained to you very clearly how you’re misreading my point. So at this juncture, it’s not a mistake, it’s a choice. I’ve said about five times that I’m saying the parenting here is not like the show and that that’s a good thing. You are the one who is trying to twist my words to mean the opposite. All through the thread I have been saying OP is a good parent.

You most certainly did imply/suggest to me that the OP’s boy would turn into a murderer by age 13:

The worst thing she can possibly do is not be direct with him about bad behaviours. Have you not watched “Adolescence”? Boys need to learn not to be entitled from a young age; that’s incredibly important and it’s the same regardless of neurotype. If anything a ND child needs to a more explicit and direct conversation.

Cheering on a mum saying what she has said to her DS is de facto advocating derogatory parenting.

Rudeness and backchat at that age is normal whether Neurodivergent or not, the way you deal with it is important. Two weeks removal of the iPad is harsh, if your constantly praising your daughter and having a go at him all the time how do you think that is going to make him feel?

How convenient. Neither are you the arbiter of what is abusive or not. What we have here is a difference of opinion. So just leave it and agree to disagree.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice I have never suggested derogatory parenting nor suggested OP’s child is akin to the one in Adolescence. This is something you are inventing.

Well neither is cheering it on while saying got to do tough love so he doesn’t stab a girl to death in a car park when he’s 13 fear mongering.

Adolescence btw did NOT show that parents need to do the type of strict, shouty, name calling & derogatory parenting you are advocating. In fact, it showed the dangers of authoritarian, emotionally distant, & too critical parenting. It showed the dangers of if the kid isn’t in trouble and gets good grades, then who cares if he’s up until 2am online on the computer in his room? The parents made the mistake of thinking he is safe and ok. They did not make time to actually talk to him about SM bullying or to teach him online safety or to ensure he doesn’t get groomed/brainwashed by online incels.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice I actually do have ADHD. You have absolutely no right to comment on others’ diagnoses or situations in life. You are not the arbiter of what is abusive or not. It’s disgusting that you think you have the right to judge OP over her responsible, safe and wise parenting. I’m honestly embarrassed for you.

@MJBear
OP you may find a parenting toolkit course with ADHD Wise helpful.

Good shout. Highly recommend.

No, no no, you haven’t a clue. You don’t have ADHD, you don’t have ND kids. The way you discipline a NT kid can be abusive to a ND kid.

The OP has not been doing good parenting at all for a prepubescent child with poorly medicated ADHD.

Please stop with the harmful kudos and implying that using ND parenting techniques would result in the boy being a murderer by age 13. There was no other reason to mention Adolescebce except to imply that and put the fear of that extremity in the heads of readers and the OP.

The OP needs to do better. She is letting down and tearing down a vulnerable child for behaviours he cannot control.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice Obsessively calling the OP abusive is hardly in the spirit of MN.

He wasn’t being rude when the OP launched into her tear down tirade. He was looking for support- for empathy and advice on friendship woes, not to be told he is probably lying about his friends not being that good, that he is always horrible and so he must be the problem.

Hear that often enough and that leads to self-harm and suicide.

It was abusive.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice You're entitled to your opinion but I think it’s utterly cruel and unnecessary, not to mention unsupportive, to accuse OP of abuse. In no way am I saying that her DS will become the child in Adolescence! Obviously that is an extreme and rare situation. I’m saying that the good parenting which she is doing is the kind of parenting boys need to teach them not to be entitled. So very much the opposite of what you are implying. I would never come onto a MN thread and suggest that an OP’s child was like the child in the series. There is nothing to suggest that. My point is that you don’t seem to understand that firm (and kind) parenting is necessary and is actually a good thing.

No, it is abusive. I stand by my opinion. What is utterly ridiculous is you implying not properly medicating and punishing a 10yr old for his ADHD will actually PREVENT him from turning into an incel murderer who stabs a 13yr old girl to death in a car park. Sorry, you are wrong.

It is lack of proper medication and lack of accommodation and empathy for a neurological disability that CAUSES children to turn into juvenile offenders and later adult criminals.

Calling this abusive is absolutely ludicrous. She is trying to parent her child to become a functioning adult who can cope in the adult world and form relationships and, in fact, not destroy his friendships and relationships. Not himself grow up to be abusive. The worst thing she can possibly do is not be direct with him about bad behaviours. Have you not watched “Adolescence”? Boys need to learn not to be entitled from a young age; that’s incredibly important and it’s the same regardless of neurotype. If anything a ND child needs to a more explicit and direct conversation.

That doesn’t mean she isn’t a kind and loving parent to him.

@Chungai It’s actually disturbing and distressing that when OP talks about not letting her child bully his sister and gives an example of how she doesn’t let the sister get away with bad behaviour, making clear this isn’t favouritism), your response is “stop comparing them!”

So… he should just be allowed to bully his sister? One day this boy will be an adult man. Statistically he is probably straight, and will want to be in relationships with women. His mum is laying the groundwork right now for what is an acceptable way to treat women.

@Ritzybitzy Pretending a child isn’t actually doing anything wrong and “reframing” obnoxious behaviour as fine is about the least helpful thing you can do. Of course I’m not suggesting harsh punishment; I’d never support that for any child, ND or otherwise. But the ND parenting often advocated on Mumsnet is unrealistic about what the adult world is like when the ND child grows up.

regular med breaks are encouraged.

@itscoldplay are you UK based?

I don’t have a ND child, however there is a small business on Instagram/has own website called Craftly. I bought some routine boards from her for my toddler and she has a massive section on her website where she makes lots of resources for ND children and adults including lots of different ones for coping strategies. It might be a good way of getting your son to communicate his needs and make better choices.

I would definitely recommend taking a look at her stuff as her reviews are really good from parents who have ND children and adults who have it themselves.

By the way, I talk until I’m blue in the face but obviously too much talking becomes white noise, and actions speak louder. I consider myself well versed in behaviour management theory; SEND; etc due to my job, but when it’s your own child it’s so hard.

i agree with @itscoldplay that ND kids need to learn how to manage in the world; the world, sadly, isn’t going to change for them.

The problem with my son (he’s 13) is that if you give an inch, he takes a mile. Out of the two of us parents, dp is the strict one who tries not to give and I am the one who he comes and talks to about his day etc but then totally takes the piss, attempting to dine out on one good day for ever more! “I had a good day yesterday; can I have x? Y? Z? Why not?! But I had a good day!” And that’s after he’s been justly rewarded for his effort already.

That doesn’t mean they didn’t get the dopamine hit.

Punishing a child doesn’t help them learn to regulate.

“Maybe going ballistic finally gives them the dopamine hit they’re craving.”

I doubt it. In my child’s experience, it just makes them feel bad enough about themselves that they are still apologising hours later ;(

If his ADHD has caused this behaviour, then it’s not his fault and he won’t respond to punishments if he’s got autism as well so you’re a bit stuck

OP you may find a parenting toolkit course with ADHD Wise helpful. We did one. Very helpful in deed
explains what can go wrong and why and gives you tools to deescalate

in the meantime remember your child is 10.

and he is disabled. With a neurological condition.
which means he has a spikey profile and so may be 30% delayed in some areas of development.

so imagine he is 6 or 7. What would your expectations be then?

recalibrate.

he is 10. Not 16.

ypur Household sounds very disregulated and as the adult you need to be the collected voice of calm to help regulate emotions.

and yes this is hard.

for example with the sofa time - why did you send him away? Why not love him and cuddle him and make him feel wanted?

also he has adhd. He needs to move and he needs connection . Before screen time how hard have you run him?
Have you trampolined , wrestled and kicked a ball and swung from trees for 2 - 4 hours?

my mum used to say kids are like dogs and they should be walked hard twice a day and fed regularly. As a parent in a ND household I now know what she means!!!!!

on the weekend you Need to incorporate this into your day.

and you need to show some kindness and compassion. Keep going down this negative path is not going where you want it to.

adhd wise parenting toolkit course would be great for you and your OH. Highly recommend it.