Is 41 too old to have a second child

That is highly variable, the sheer toll of it all can age some people alot faster.

I had my 3rd at 42.

I had my last at 43. She is 13 now. Its fine. I think its a personal preference. I didn't feel too old. I had excellent pregnancies. I think it helps you keep young!

I am intrigued to understand why your husband wants to do this….

So in some sense you’re being unreasonable not to discuss it with him and unearth whatever is behind what must he quite an unusual change of heart for a man in his 40s with an 18 year old DC. Is he daunted by the freedom of your next chapter in life? Is he worried you’ll leave him if you don’t have a baby fo tie you together? I think you need to find out.

YANBU to not want to have a baby at any age.

When your youngest child - (or only one in your case) is 18???

NO. FECKING. WAY!

Why on earth would you even consider this?! Your DH may be wanting a second child, but YOU are the one who will be the main nurturer, and who will have your life upended by it, (and your career...) Women always do. You will also be 60 when said child is still at school. And in your early 40s, the risks to mother and baby are high Just no. Don't do it. DON'T.

IGNORE the poll results. Don't do it!

I had not heard that before, so had a bit of a Google. Think this is probably a credible source and looks like e.g. a 10times increase risk of downs syndrome between age 35 and 45 https://evidencebasedbirth.com/advanced-maternal-age/
1 in 353 chance to 1in 35. Appreciate the likelihood lower though at 41/42 years old.

Am interested in understanding more though if you can point me at a source that explains

I had my 2nd at 37 and 3rd at 41 so I’d say of course you’re not too old. But… my eldest wasn’t 18, there’s no way I’d be starting again with a newborn when my 1st was that age! That’s time for you for a few years before grand babies start appearing.

Please don’t do it op..it will be so depressing going back to the start after 18 years. There’s so much more to life.

I say go for it - others say you couldn’t cope as you will be peri or menopausal- I have gone peri and menopause and had no symptoms whatsoever - periods just stopped that was it - not everyone has symptoms !

Op shouldn't even need to do half, she doesn't want another. I am confused by the whole thing. Is op's dh the father of dc1, and wanting his own baby? I don't understand it otherwise. Or is the thread a reverse?

So you’ve spent the past almost 20 years, literally half of your life being responsible for a child.

And now your DC is finally getting to an age where they’re becoming more independent and you can have more freedom and you are thinking about doing it all again - absolutely not!

How much involvement did he have with your DD growing up and is he planning on taking at least 50% of the parenting and everything that comes with it or will you be the default parent?

I had dc3 aged 42 and it was fine, no disabilities, and tiredness levels aren't an issue. I have the financial security to be a sahm so I have more time to myself than if I was working ft. I really wanted to have her though and I wouldn't have a baby I didn't want at any age.

No it isn’t - if you want a second baby. I had my second at 43 and everything was fine with baby and the pregnancy but it did take me a year to conceive and I miscarried the first pregnancy (that’s the risk you take when you decide to have a baby later in life). It is too late if you don’t want one.

Seems strange that your DH would wait 18 years before wanting another.

41 is not too old for a second child.

But if you do not want a second child, that should be enough.

5 year old currently having a melt down, the older one has been shouting at me all night "muum muum muum", constantly demanding (he is ND), and does not understand volume. My head is killing me. God enjoy the freedom op. I think it is only too easy to remember all of the nice parts when you're not in the trenches; remind your dh of this. Also remind him it isn't up for discussion, "No" is your final answer.
Only just getting one of mine into the bath! They have school tomo 😫

When I'm 41 they'll be 10, and 8, no way could I even contemplate about starting again. I couldn't think of anything worse than changing nappies in my 40s. I adore my dcs, but I am ready for the next stages, more freedom gradually and watching them grow.

Short and to the point- no way would I want to start again after parenting for 18 years.

It’s not a question of age, it’s a question of do you want another child or not?
Age wise you are only 5 years older than me and I’m about to have my second…. But I don’t have an 18 year old so it’s not completely starting again for me. I’m still in the trenches battling for survival every day 😂
If you want another child OP, by all means go ahead. But if you don’t then stand your ground. It’s a LOT asking you to give up another 20 years (at least!) of your life when you are just making it out the other side. Perhaps DH is having some kind of crisis with your DC becoming an adult, but it’s pretty naive to think having a baby at 41 is the same experience as having one at 23.
I’ve said before I wish I had been younger when I started my family, but I didn’t meet DH until later and it wasn’t meant to be, because I love being a mum but I just do not have the same energy/resilience- call it what you will- as I did in my 20s.

Maybe plan two weeks of hard partying with DH. Get home at 2am, set an alarm for 6am, go to work everyday and repeat for two weeks, then point out this would be his life for YEARS with another baby.

Is your DH having some kind of midlife crisis? I think the motivation for another baby out of the blue would concern me. What might be a passing phase for him has serious implications for your physical and mental health - he just wouldn't be as affected.

I have a 14 year gap between my no.3 and no.4 (all 4 are DDs)

The no.4 is now 11 and she is so close to all of her sisters it's a beautiful thing to behold. In particular 3 and 4 adore each other.

So the age gap between siblings - not a worry. And to be honest if your eldest is largely disinterested in the baby then so what?

Wrt your own age - it's fine if you want it.
This applies at any age of course, but especially when you are the age you are because it does take a toll later in life and you'll need to be enthusiastic to get through it! It might take a couple of years of trying to fall as well ...

I had my 'big' 3 by the time i was 28 and it was fine having 3 under 5. Different kettle of fish when you are in your 40s i can tell you!!

Yes you're probably more patient, maybe better off financially, worldy wise ect ect. But the birth takes it out of you for longer and the whole thing feels harder.

I will say it's exhausting being 50 with a ten year old, think about how knackered you'll be with a young child into your 50s, menopause is hard work and you're not there yet.

Exactly this! My peri symptoms started at about 45, my kid was only in reception/Year 1....

If you don't want another baby make sure your contraception is water tight and not something he could tamper with.

Surely not?! 😬 why would anyone be with a person who’d do something like that??