To think he was being passive aggressive?

They're essential items. Not everyone can wash and go. If you can't see that then that person either shaves their head, had fine none faffy hair, doesnt give a toss about their appearance or they're a bloke.

@mountaincloud I understand how scary it can feel with you family financial background, and I think you manage your money really well, and are sensible not to get into debt. Well done.

I agree with other posters that getting a credit card could help ease the situation. I have one and I have it set up so that my main account pays off the full balance every month (hence no interest). It helps me to smooth out the fluctuations of an expensive month vs a less expensive one. It means you are using the bank to cover things, rather than your partner. Of course that only works if you continue to be so disciplined with your spending and are not tempted to rack up your credit...

Separately, you need to sit down with your partner and have a discussion about how the COL increase is affecting you both - your household expenses, and your personal spending. Not with any expectation that he will pay more, but simply for transparency - sharing how much you have in your (small) savings, and sharing what you are doing, or could do, to cut back on household expenses and on personal spend - and you have to be brutal with your own spending, even cutting down on spending on your dn. Of course he needs to be willing to share the same information.

If you can pare back your own spending (on household and personal expenses) then when you get your pay rise you can put that into a savings account. I guess that would make you feel more in control, and would give you a buffer so that you could spend more on presents for dn.

Then, at some point you need to talk about what each of you expect financially for the future. Any promotion prospects? How you will manage if COL continues to increase. What you woud do if one of you lost their job, or if you became pregnant. Are you genuinely on the same page with regards to your finances and your expectations? If not, how do you navigate that?

Having contributed equally over many, many years, my income suddenly stopped when Covid lockdown hit. I told dp the impact and of course he was willing to pay more into the 'household bills' pot. His words: " of course, I'll transfer £x amount. Just let me know next month if I need to do the same." On the face of it that sounds great, but I also know how awful, and grasping, and unequal I felt having to beg ask for financial support. I said it didn't work for me to have to ask every month. dp then changed his standing order - without a fuss - but because he'd never been in a position of financial inequality and having to ask for support, he didn't really understand the difference between the 2 positions.

And a hairdryer is an essential household item.

@mountaincloud
I know it’s your call but your update doesn’t sit right with me.
Your militant way of dividing items gives me a vibe of trying frantically not to rely on each other, especially on your side. I wonder if it’s because you don’t feel you can rely on your DP in a difficulty and in an emergency but the point of a relationship is that you support each other if something happens.

I wouldn’t count lending you some money for petrol as help by the way. You put how grateful you were!!! It would be non event in our household.
Yes, your system worked well when everything was ok but once you had tiny bits of problems - your DP showed his true colours ( sorry for the cliche) Just imagine what response you would get from him if you were in a really difficult situation e.g serious illness or disability.

I thought I was biased about your post as a female so read it to my DH yesterday. He stopped me at your quarrel at the car park and said: She needs to leave, how can she be with this man? Hope they don’t have children. That’s male perspective if you want.

After your update I still think the same - you need to arrange an overdraft facility or credit card in the short term for yourself because all you are doing now is using your DP as your overdraft facility and he objects to it.

You need to build up a cushion for yourself - sell some clothes, earn a bit extra or whatever so you don't need the overdraft. The cost of living is biting a lot of us ATM, it's becoming impossible to stay afloat in the same way.

Then revisit your shared finances including looking for ways to cut down on your monthly bills - Martin Lewis' site is good for this.

Have a good think about your future in this relationship and whether your rigidly separate finances are an indication of problems ahead and how to make things better if possible.

I think you need to find ways to top your money up that don’t involve him.

You don’t use an overdraft, but borrow from your OH? That doesn’t make sense. I would also forego a hairdryer.

And definitely ask for that money back. Be transparent about your finances, show bank statements - you need better financial “buffers” than you currently have.

Not a man anyone should have children with if you’re thinking about that.

You paid him back straight away for your essential items and he’s just spent £50 of your money to get one up. Nope, I’d pull him up about this op. He seems bitter & spiteful!

He thinks you’re grabby.
He was making a point to show you what it feels like to have a partner not pull their weight financially.
The fact it irked you was the whole point.

The comment you made to him about paying for the hairdryer was extremely rude. And you are both extremely petty in the way you count every pound and owing each other for drinks and daily stuff. I really wouldn’t want to live like this.

This doesn’t seem like a partnership. To go out of his way to ‘get his own back’ just isn’t very nice. He’s not got your back.

Yes he was being PA. And in quite a nasty way given he knows you're a bit broke at the moment.

You accept you were rude the other day. There was s a mis communication where you assumed something that he didn't intend, and from your part it cane across as rude. That happens sometimes in a long relationship.

What should happen next is he says 'I didn't like the way you spoke to me the other day, it felt like I was being taken for granted' and then you have a conversation about it. Him deciding to 'teach you a lesson' by deliberately 'forgetting' his wallet and then ordering stuff he doesn't actually really need or want, is really off to be honest. Not nice. It's quite controlling to decide that you need to be punished and carry that out.

Don't have a baby with him or get married without another discussion about how you split finances. It's not really a partnership if both parties are pulling their weight as much as they're able, but one is left with a few hundred more than the other at the end of each month

Perhaps I've missed it, but haven't you got an overdraft facility on your own account? You need to get one or use a credit card judiciously - atm you seem to be using your DP as your overdraft facility which has wound him up. Then gradually save to build up more of a safety net. It won't be easy because the COL is biting everyone at the moment but when you're on top of your own finances you can talk about adjusting your financial arrangements with your DP from an equal footing.

Please don’t have children with this man!

You mentioned your joint account covers good shopping, so I assume you have debit cards for that account. If so, use the debit cards for snacks when you go out together.

could you get a credit card specifically for putting your work expenses on?

Sorry I don't understand a partnership where one partner won't pay for the other, or at least lend each other money. I assume you aren't married as you refer to him as DP, but since you live together, he should be supporting you as needed, financially or otherwise.

What he did was prick-ish frankly. It goes to illustrate though, that not only are you not on the same page with regards to money, you're probably reading totally different books.

You need to sit down and discuss your joint finances but if it doesn't clear things up you need to look at your future. Personally I couldn't live with a man who behaved like that, or was happy to leave me short.

This ^

OP, I feel sick reading your posts.
What kind of relationship is this?
Yes, you were blunt when you asked him on the way to the shop but it was because his behaviour was very weird. In what planet this conversation about hairdryer would be anything but the offer just to go and buy a hairdryer together so you can choose as it’s more important for you??? So do you have separate hairdryers?

I don’t know how old are you but the best thing you can do is to text him asking politely for his share of food and then start planing your separation.
This story about you crying when you were young was absolutely heartbreaking. It showed that he would never ever help you in a difficult situation e.g if you were unwell, made redundant etc etc
Its not a relationship. It’s using you for flatshare, sex and possibly cooking or whatever it is you are doing around the house.

I hope you're going to tell him how much he owes you OP? I couldn't be with someone like this tbh..

You shouldn’t be in financial difficulties because you are advancing your company travel expenses. I would explore other options with them to avoid this. For example, when I was travelling frequently, the place I worked then advanced me something so they never actually owed me money.

People manage without straighteners and hair dryers 🤣

I don't shave my head wtf?

Actually you haven't. I've read back and you address the fact that you shouldn't have assumed he was going to pay. But actually even if he was paying and aware, the way you spoke to him was awful. Is English your first language? I just cannot imagine those words coming out of my mouth to come on who is about to do me a favour.

Yep he did that to get to make you react.

But it would Akso make me think that a review of your financial organisation might need to be reviewed.
Because if you have felt the pinch several times when you were together agd he never has, that tells me that you never spend £300 on restaurants etc…. /he is restraining spending around that in his tight months or maybe he is better at budgeting!
His attitude and using the ‘system’ as a payback would make me think twice.

Speak for yourself. My hairstyle needs straighters and a hairdryer or I'm fucked. You might shave your head and be ready for the day with some oil but some of us need the heat to tame the locks.

I keep spares though.