To think he was being passive aggressive?

I don’t own a hairdryer and I have shoulder length hair but if it’s an essential item to you then it’s an essential item.
Maybe he does feel taken advantage of how you have borrowed money a couple of times but I think now you need to either have a chat with him about how little money you are now left with after putting money in the joint account or start being really assertive about things. Eg - him- shall we go out for lunch today? You- I can’t, I only have £12 in my account and pay day isn’t for 6 days.

i would ignore him making you pay for things on that one occasion but in future if he wants you to pay for things just say I can’t afford coffees (or whatever) as I’ve only got £300 for the whole month. My partner can be stingy with me actually so if we are out for a dog walk and he says do you want a coffee I’ll just say no thank you as there is a strong chance he will want me to pay for it as well as his coffee and it’s not really in my budget so I just don’t buy things like that. He buys his own coffee and I just don’t have one. I don’t want one particularly anyway. I just have a drink when I get home!

Op, you need to curb your spendig dramatically until you have a buffer of emergency funds in your own account.
I do think your DH was making a point.

You have chosen to split your finances so you need to accumulate your own buffer though.

Has he paid you back yet @mountaincloud ?

the op has said she would have done without until payday. She isn’t arguing they are an essential human right.

His behaviour is nasty.

What happens if you get made redundant, become critically ill and can't work or get pregnant?

He will resent you, that's what. And he'll bloody well make sure you know it.

I agree with many posts. There are very sensible people on here.

If I organised finances this way with a partner, then I would not want to be their buffer if they were skint going into payday seemingly many times a year. I agree with suggestions of finding a new way to top-up finances without relying on a partner.

I don’t think your partner handled the outing well where he ordered lots of food, in order to teach you a lesson. It sounded very awkward and weird.

Before DH and I were married, we had separate finances but now we pool it all as we earn similar amounts. For us it works but it doesn’t mean this is the right approach for everyone.

How long are you with this prince?
Hope to goodness you have no plans to have children with him.

The vibe off him seems petty and nasty, a bit contemptuous, certainly not loving.

I wouldn't think he is committed and your relationship has long term viability.

It reads as utterly miserable.

Strongly recommend you look at picking up a second job to up your income OP.

It doesn't look good.
Mind yourself.

Like I said, not everyone can wash and go without looking a mess. What you mean is, they're not essential for you.

its almost like we're all different when it comes to hairstyles.

Exactly! My hair is long and thick - without a hairdryer it takes an age to dry, and looks a state

Hairdryers are NOT essential

If you are struggling, it is absolutely not essential

My hair is thick and I care that I look smart going out. I don't use a hairdryer. There's this thing called nature which dries it fine

What a truly horrible relationship.

How the fuck is she not pulling her weight financially? She earns less than him but they split all the bills/rent/food 50/50. She paid him back for the hairdryer as soon as her expenses came through. He's a petty, mean fucker and has just made OP pay more for his snacks than he paid for the hairdryer and he hasn't offered to repay her.

How can you live like this? You’re meant to be a partnership, not nit picking over who pays for what. Miserable

This doesn't sound like a happy relationship if you are both counting every penny.
If you want a seperate bills account then as others have said you need to change the amount each pays into this, proportionally to your salary, as surely it isn't fair if you are earning less and have no money left over each month while we assume he still does.
I would also look at your spending. You say you spent a lot on presents at Christmas. Were these all necessary? I would look at your finances and look at whether there are things that could be reduced.
However I think your main issue is the shared costs with your supposed partner.

What a miserable way to live.

We have a joint pot for bills, and separate accounts, however we don’t “bean count” what the other has spent … it all comes out in the wash. I pay, he pays, joint account pays .. it’s all family money.

Who leaves their wallet in the car? Would insurance even cover it if it got stolen.

Equal amounts into a shared pot, made up from unequal incomes always causes unfairness. Proportionality is the way to go.

Why are you not paying in appropriate to differing salaries? Sounds unfair you're so out of pocket and he's sitting pretty

OP I'm not sure what's going on here but your attitude to money is skewed.
You are struggling at the end of the month, you have a very rigid joint account setup with your DP. You won't use a credit card.
Yet you will spend so much on family presents that you run out of money at the end of the month and don't have enough for petrol. And you beg your DP for a loan.
You need to go through your own finances and sort out a budget for yourself. Money for presents and partying comes out of what's left AFTER you've budgeted for food, bills, petrol.
Work expenses - for goodness sake if this is regularly happening, get a credit card and ONLY use it for this purpose, and pay it back every month without fail. Without fail!
Then in an emergency you've got the means to buy, eg, an unexpected new hairdryer just before payday on your card, and pay it back in full. You are not your mum, a credit card is not the devil's work if you use it sensibly. What you are doing now isn't sensible.
I don't know if your DPs reaction was over the top, or if there's more to this and he's trying to show you what it's like for him.

I'm struggling with the fact that in your OP you say he earns slightly more than you and so therefore takes more of the share of eating out, trips etc to even things up but you're skint at the end of each month and he has hundreds left over. Are you a bit of a fritterer and this annoys him when you then moan about being skint? I'll be honest and say I am (instagram brings up such tempting little things and before I know it I've spent £50 @😜) but I wouldn't then moan and expect DH to subsidise me still further. As PP says you were rude at the retail park - I'd have told you to bugger off if you'd spoken to me like that but if you'd asked for me to pay and be paid back beforehand it would be a totally different story...

Do you think he missed the fact that you paid him back for the hairdryer? If not then his determination to have a day out at your expense makes no sense. Make sure you ask for at least 50% of the costs back.

I’d be seriously reconsidering if you want to go on much longer in this relationship too.

He knows I earn less, and that I've cut down massively on things. I used to go out with friends often - now it's once every 3 months if that. And he knows I don't have family to fall back on as he does. I've never demanded anything from him, never been bothered about gifts or fancy holidays or restaurants.
But he obviously isn't happy with the situation and I am feeling quite low about it now to be honest. He still hasn't offered to pay the money. I don't know if it's just that he genuinely doesn't understand my position and thinks I'm taking the piss out of him.

@mountaincloud you're right that it doesn't sit well with you, I'd be really hurt and I'm not surprised you're feeling low. Situations change - whether in terms of CoL which is affecting a lot of us hugely, or because of illness, an unexpected bill, having a baby, job loss etc. etc. He should have stepped up, IMO, when things became tighter for you, and offered to put more in the joint account. It makes me sad that he knows you couldn't afford an evening out with your friends when he has loads sat in his own acccount, and can buffer the CoL a lot easier because he earns a few hundred more than you every single month.

I don't live with my DP (both divorced with kids) but he earns a few hundred more than me and often helps me out, pays for more. And he has his own kids, house to think of! While I don't 'expect' it, I think it's a pretty sad state of affairs if someone who claims to love you doesn't want to support you and share their lives - whether that's with practical help or financial - aside from the emotional support that should be the very bare minimum anyway.

Personally I would feel really uncomfortable if I were him, seeing you struggle - drop your social life to barely anything, while he's far less affected. I wouldn't be happy if my DP had all that on their plate, let alone if I could help but chose not to. The hairdresser example is crap - why didn't he just buy it you, ditto the petrol. He sounds so miserly. You shouldn't be grateful for that - might as well have used a 0% credit card, and not had to profusely thank ffs. This is not a dig at you - it's obviously how he's made you feel.

Plus life should be fun! I still treat my DP too although I have less - 'spare' money should be enjoyed, what a miserable way to live.

Is he supportive emotionally, practically etc.? I'd take this as an opportunity to sound him out about how he sees finances, the future, but he doesn't sound like a good egg to me, or someone you'd want to rely on.

Agree 100% with both of these posts 👏
He's mean, and his behaviour at the weekend is bloody horrible.

I would reassess your contributions to the joint pot asap. He earns more, so you each put in the same percentage of your earnings not the same actual amount.
Your original agreement was based on the idea that he paid for eating out - well he's not doing that now is he? he's getting you to sub him £50 in snacks and conveniently 'forgetting' to bring his wallet. If he wants to play silly games then he loses the privilege of paying proportionately less into the family pot.

That's if you want to stay with him of course, personally I wouldn't, he sounds like a complete tool.

I fully agree with this. I would read it very carefully and think hard about the kind of partnership you would like to have with your significant other because the one you have now isn't really a partnership. The way you divide your finances is the way two flatmates or two people from two different households behave. If you are planning to have kids, your current set up won't work at all. You will lose your income after the baby, you may even need to stay home and not be able to earn for a number of years and you will need to be able to completely rely on your partner. Both of you don't seem to be ready and frankly willing to combine your lives in this way.