To think mat leave is bloody hard

Parent of two young kids here currently on my second mat leave, and I don't agree with this! It's so much easier to be ill when you're working and can take a sick day while the kids are in nursery, or even just muddle through a day at work. Looking after young kids all day while feeling poorly is brutal.

I was ill the other week and thankfully my DH was able to take the day off to have the kids (baby isn't in nursery yet and it was my toddler's day off), but I thought about how much easier it was when I got ill pre-mat leave - drop the toddler at nursery and go home to bed! It feels relentless when you're on mat leave but I think you forget that when you're not in the midst of it, I certainly did until I went back into it all again the second time round.

Sending sympathy OP. Don't feel guilty about using TV if you need to, a bit of Ms Rachel or Hey Bear sensory works wonders when you just need to survive the day!

in your own op you literally said ‘if he was ill he would get the day off’ with the implication being that if he was in exactly the same amount of pain you are in, he would have the day off.
you then went on in a later post to say ‘he’s got something that can’t be pushed back.’

so which is it? Would he have taken the day off if he was as ill as you are right now, even if he has something that can’t be pushed back, or not?

Oh op I’m happy to throw in the handhold if you haven’t already left the thread. It’s fucking shit sometimes. We don’t really have a ‘village’ (elderly parents, only one sibling with caring responsibilities elsewhere, no NCT group because we moved out of London after DC1, no local friends as we moved here in lockdown, no chance to build a network at nursery as it’s a drop and go/pick up and run set up, other friends not nearby and often with babies or no kids (ours a little older)). I said to DH yesterday that it seems in order to have kids and not go insane you either need the village or the ability to buy the village in - we have neither sadly! And that’s before the shit hits the fan with illness, work etc.

I just like the knowledge that what doesn’t kill you make you stronger and since returning to work post DC2 I feel far more resilient :-) When issues happen I ask myself “is this as bad as that summer flu I had in June 2022 when DD was 22 months, DS was 12 weeks, DH had to go into the office due to a project launch and it was 40c+ outside all week and I laid on the sofa naked and breastfeeding in front of a fan while not yet 2yo DD watched 10 straight hours of CBeebies in just a nappy? Oh and I couldn’t take the good drugs due to breastfeeding, I felt like shit and was still recovering from a CS?”

Answer is invariably ‘no’ 😂

It’s rough OP, you just have to do what you can to get through it. Try and chill as much as possible today.

And not everyone’s partner can take a day off at such short notice, surely that’s in the reserve for emergencies not general illness.

The internet love to chuck their opinion out there not knowing the full details. Drives me round the bend.

Sending love - it's hard when you feel great so of course it's horrible when you're ill. Hoping you perk up soon, meanwhile be kind to yourself. xx

I would just do the bare minimum. So before your dh goes to work can he lay you out some food for the day or other things you may need. Set up a bed in the sofa and travel cot for the baby? Tv on and everything you might need, phone, book etc.

I remember my friend saying once her dd had a sickness bug, then ds caught it, then her and her dh. My friend and her dh had it but the dc were much better, I remember her saying she felt bad, but it was a case of making toast for the dc dinner as that's all she could manage to make as she felt so ill. I think in this kind if case, cut corners and don't worry about it, until you feel better.

If your DP can't take time off work, and you have no one else to mind the baby, then he needs to do everything else he can to help you.
Rest as much as you can today, let DP do it all. Can he make up a packed lunch /flask for you before he leaves for work? Is there anything else you or baby need tomorrow that he can get ready for you?

If you are really too ill to look after the baby, then ultimately he will have to take time off.

And yes, it's hard, I hope you feel better soon.

You have a DH problem. In that situation DH would have taken the day or at least wfh to provide an odd bit of help when he had a break.

Of course your DH can stay off work. He simply won’t.

Couldn't agree more. Maternity leave can be lonely, isolating and monotonous - and that's without sickness in the mix!

Lots of idealistic comments about your DH needing to take a day off, but life's rarely that easy is it... Do you have any family who can help a little? Bring you food or drinks, or take your little one out in the pram for a little bit?

Feel better soon and know this will pass!

If it was a minor illness yes it sucks looking after a baby while ill, especially if they're ill too.

But when I was really unwell DH did have to take a couple days off to look after baby as I wasn't well enough.

I’m trying to give the positives but OK.

My perspective as someone who has never had paid sick leave or paid maternity leave, is taking a day off has never been an option, so I have lots of coping mechanisms for looking after kids and working whilst ill I was offering to share.

Hydration - drinking as much as you can. Medication- take regularly and don’t let it lapse, have a safe place for it out of reach of toddler. Create a snack box for you and a snack box for your little one if relevant. Toy rotation. Play pens with a workspace for you. Or sleep space. Making a 24 hour day so you can work at 3am or cook at 5am or sleep at 2pm just depending on what’s most suitable which frees up a lot of time. Baby carriers that hold them on your back so you can move around easily to do things. Etc . But not easy without knowing how to practically help re age of baby and so on

If you haven’t already, hand over parenting duties to DH for the rest of the day (BF aside if that’s a factor) and go back to bed and rest today.

Re: he has to work. Is that because he really doesn’t want to take a day off, or because he has something critical? Have you asked him to take a day’s emergency parental leave (which could be unpaid if only available in line with statutory provision) or take a day’s holiday?

Nothing to do with maternity leave

Everything to do with your husband not stepping up

@MsScarlettInTheLibrary let the poor woman have a moan in peace. She doesn’t need you telling her how much worse it could be / you had it. Unhelpful. Unnecessary.

Hope you feel better soon, OP.

Oh God, I hear you, that literally was me last week! I was so ill with flu and it was truly horrible to get through the days with my baby (that was also ill and didn’t sleep in the night). Recovery on zero sleep or rest seemed impossible…yet somehow I got there, I started to feel better a couple of days ago, you’ll get there as well! What got me through the bad days was paracetamol and ibuprofen alternating, I took something every 3 hours (while staying within the daily max of course) and that’s how I could care for my baby. Not normally one that medicates a lot, but needs must. You’ll get through this!

He needs to take a day off. You need to rest

I’m sorry you are ill. It is very hard. But it might be a time to count the good things along the way. You mention only one child, so you aren’t juggling a bunch of different needs and responsibilities. Being ill with a young baby has its benefits in terms of care, as they need less exercise, are more portable, sleep more, even if not when you’d like. As you mention maternity leave I’m assuming you are employed but having time off so you don’t have to juggle work and the baby. And you have a partner who is also employed and not working away so plenty of hours in the day for shared care. I know money is always hard but having two employed adults and one child without childcare expenses presumably is a reasonable position.

I’m coming at it as a parent of more than one who didn’t benefit from maternity pay, so looking at it through that lens. When I only had one young baby to care for I didn’t have a partner to help or ease the financial load and I didn’t have maternity leave so I also needed to work regardless of state of health, and care for the baby at the same time, with a slew of money worries. I can remember my toddler holding my hair back when I had norovirus and bringing me toys to help me when I was laid on the bathroom floor.

Let us know the age of your baby and we can give practical tips to help.

I think it’s pretty normal to feel that way - at least it was for me! I remember with the same situation as you with my first one - and then I said something to DH and instead of staying home he sent his parents to collect our baby 🤣 which is something I suppose. It does get better. But I agree with PP get him to do some of the feeds to give you a break.

Yes it’s hard, but it gets harder after mat leave when you have work, a toddler, no time to be sick yourself as your toddler catch’s everything from nursery so you take time off to look after them but then you get sick as well. Constant juggle of work, kids, sickness, little sleep. Then throw in a second DC.

DH needs to take a carer’s day off work. It’s exactly what it’s for.

Get well soon.

You are ill op, so can’t do your ‘job’ of parenting. So, there’s two parents. Your dh needs to do parenting. In the same way, as you detailed, if he was this ill, he wouldn’t go to work. So why would you have to?