Shall I just get up and go out?

Seems to me he's rubbing it in now

Are you out of your mind??

Forgive him??

For a whole year of empty promises and then doing nothing?

And when he does do something it's not just with no thought, he seems to have gone out of his way to deliberately do things to upset her

Maybe because you acted in a similar unkind way you can empathise but the rest of us think he is actively being unkind.

It would be a very cold day in Hell before I forgave him for any of this

He needs to go.

It sounds like he takes you completely for granted, to buy others gifts and not you, especially when he promised so much, is really thoughtless.
You have been hurt, and it will take time to come to terms with how he has acted.
You did say that normally the relationship was good...so whether this has been a massive blip, or a real wake up call that all is not well, only you can decide.

I would not make any decision for a week or two, then your gut feeling will tell you the best way to go.
Good luck.

This is so true! This is the classic tevenge a narcissist/passive aggressive man takes when forced to do something nice for someone else that is of no value to his narcissistic supply. He can go all out for other people when it suits him. But he won’t spend real time and effort on you because secretly he feels you don’t deserve it or he shouldn’t have to do it for you.

Dump him. He doesn't care about you or your feelings. Birthdays aren't about money. They are about thought. Throwing money at you at the end of a thoughtless day is insulting.

We don't have money, and our birthdays are usually a day trip to somewhere free or cheap like museum, art gallery or a groupon and a packed lunch. Gifts are things we need not want. My H always gets new sock, boxers, lynx set and mango shower gel (thoughtfully picked by DC1). The kids make handmade cards. He's allergic to dairy so I get a vegan cake for him. He happy he was thought of.

You P could have done better. He chose not to.

This is a pretty controlling response to @Yarden . Is it not good that there are differing views for OP on this thread?

Fwiw I think OP has had a terrible time but it could also be true that her partner can just be utterly crap rather than manipulative/controlling etc. It's up to her to decide, surely?

Also OP, I strongly feel you should find somewhere safe and smash your pot! Like the two schoolboys on the roof with the desk set in Dead Poets Society.

I do think some good men can be rubbish organisers. And some men are just all round crap. Either is fine for you not to want to live with, obviously. Take care of yourself. I hope things work out the way you want.

I'm reading through again this morning and what I didn't say in my post last night is - THANK YOU - for taking the time to update us. I think it must have been difficult to come back and write about this disappointing day but for those of us following I know I'd have always been wondering what he did/didn't do. So, thanks xx

It takes effort to get £1000 cash unless you are someone who deals in cash for business reasons (and then it wouldn't be your personal cash to give to someone). I suspect that very few people have this amount of money just lying around. My bank limits withdrawals to £300 a day, so you would have to go on four days to withdraw £1000.

So if he could go to that effort, it seems very deliberate that he did this and nothing else. Please don't stay with him. This will always be at the back of your mind.

He made a choice to do absolutely nothing. That tells you all you need to know.

51st birthday parties are the new 50ths!

Start planning your perfect party/celebration for next year now.
Of course, dickhead isn't invited!

@wherethewildrosesgrow you don’t have anything to feel embarrassed about- you can’t control someone else’s actions but you can learn from them.

ok that week wasn’t what you wanted or expected. But you know you can’t rely on him so he gets the boot. Don’t give him another opportunity to upset you.

the things you really wanted to do- pick on and organise with your sister. If people ask at work you can say it was a nice week or you can be honest an say ‘I’ve had a nightmare, my partner went all weird and we’ve ended up splitting up! Think I need to redo my 50th in a few weeks instead!’
if you’re close with work people they’ll rally around, maybe you can organise a dinner.

loving yourself and prioritising your wants and needs is a really good thing to do. I know we’ve all been raised with this fairy tale of the man swooping in and doing big gestures. But if it isn’t happening, it doesn’t define you. You are worthy of love and effort.

so until then you be the person to show that love, effort and kindness to yourself. Then next Time you meet someone you’ll know if they are falling short of that.

happy birthday and I hope you take yourself out for some delicious cake x

He's being passive aggressive.

I suspect he had an overbearing or engulfing mother that he couldnt express his emotions to so has subconscious simmering resentment which he projects on to you instead.

He really has hurt you deeply and personally. This is abuse dressed up in a 'quiet' way - one of plausibe deniability - to make you doubt yourself and feel irrational.

He's nasty underneath. What's his realtionship history.

You desrve better. He doesnt even deserve any further communication - he would probably get off on seeing you hurt and stressed - dont give him the pleasure. Detach with dignity. Dont dwell on him. Re-focus your hurt on keeping busy with distracting activities. Your indifference and living well will sting him.

Gosh it's worse that I expected.

He simply couldn't be arsed to do all those things for you he had talked about and promised.

And yet he dangled all these plans & promises in front of you, so you didn't/couldn't/wouldn't make you own plans with family and friends.

I find his behaviour dreadfully cruel and callous.

Then he tries to make things right with cash, unfelt apologies and a cake you don't even like. The thoughtlessness continues. What an idiot.

So sorry OP.

Oh lovely

this is it isn’t it. He can’t make it right, by promising the world he just made it all worse didn’t he

So he's perfectly capable of buying in advance for Mother's day and Easter for his family, but he couldn't manage to buy you anything for your special birthday. Leaving their presents at your home is frankly cruel or at least very, very thoughtless. People on here always say when someone tells who they are believe them, well he's certainly shown you who he is Op

This is a terrible thing to say @wherethewildrosesgrow , because you seem lovely. So this bad treatment is undeserved.

But...
He did nothing for you because at root, he didn't WANT to do anything for you. The bits he did (the late cake) were wrong because he actively sabotaged it. He will have some awareness of having done this, although part of it will have been subconscious. He is at root resentful for having to do things for you.

I had an ex like this. Couldn't do enough for others. Never for me. Because ultimately, I was someone he was settling for.

Do you get the impression in other ways that he doesn't really love you?

dump him OP

This. I'm sorry he's behaved so hurtfully OP.

Oh God, yours and @RawBloomers posts have highlighted for me this behaviour in someone I know of who is a classic narcissist. I've never really thought about this aspect of his behaviour before, but it's exactly what he does - promises the world and delivers absolutely nothing (or, maybe, something tiny if he's repeatedly challenged!). And it's so, SO upsetting for the people he makes his empty promises to when they are repeatedly disappointed. Good for you for recognising and not indulging your FIL's BS! 😃

He just wanted brownie points and kudos by giving it the big talk and took no steps to actually do any of it.

I’m furious for you OP & I’m so pleased you’ve ended it. No more let downs xx

Right. So, he is capable of buying gifts for others. He’s well prepared and able to buy them in advance but all he did for you is talk about how you’ll have the same consideration he gives to others, yet didn’t actually give a shit.

Is he very insecure and only feels validated when he upsets you because if you’re upset it means you care about him?
could he be jealous of you and trying to ruin things for you?
whatever it is, there is some emotional immaturity/ absence and from what you’ve put here, he needs to do a lot of work on himself, nothing will change overnight, it’s not for you to fix him and I think you should bail and end the relationship- it’s doing you no good.
all the while his behaviour undermines him and your ability to trust or depend on him. How would he be in an emergency or if you or dc were really ill? He sounds like a chocolate teapot

I never think things are black or white and I always try and see the other side of the story.

But I cannot fathom why he wouldn’t just pick you up even a cheap box of chocolates or card on the way home from work the day before.

I’m not married but I have a child and I’ve never not got her anything for her birthday.
Even when I’ve been skint and so busy, I have always remembered to try and make it special.
Of course kids birthdays are more important but you know that your loved ones birthday is coming up and it does not take much to buy a card or book a meal, especially if money isn’t a big issue.

I’m so sorry he has been so selfish.

I’m afraid it’s a classic case of taking you for granted. Doesn’t matter to him, because you don’t matter much to him. Sorry.