Shall I just get up and go out?

"When you fail to make a plan and execute it for my birthday, you show me very clearly that you don't care what I actually want. It doesn't matter if it wouldn't bother you - it bothers me, and you know it."

And then either "I can't get past this as it's really the very minimum" or "please make a note that I won't let this go a second time."

This.

Honestly this would have me questioning the whole relationship if he's not bluffing. I really hope he is.

If not, it sounds like he wants all the glory of you thinking he's thoughtful and planning stuff without any of the actual effort.

I ended up abroad with no friends or family and my partner was away for a few days on my birthday.

I thought about exactly what I wanted to do and had a brilliant day: Museum and Art gallery with lunch in a nice restaurant followed by a theatre visit (best seat).

When he returned we had dinner in a lovely restaurant together ( I booked the table).

Dont do things to spite him do them for yourself and have a great day.

You need to be 100% clear on what you want.

I hope he's just bluffing with the whole, 'What would you like to do' just before your birthday but I'd still wait until tomorrow. If he hasn't stepped up then I'd definitely bugger off on my own and probably tell him to fuck off

Yeah I hate this too, its really hurtful. If I have ever organised a surprise party or something its always been hidden by saying we're going for a family meal or something. Even then its not always ideal, my brother made me laugh on his 40th, we'd organised a surprise party at my house for him, his wife organised a meal out as a pretence but then said they had to go to us as dog sitter had fallen through. He loved the party but said he was really looking forward to his steak 😂

In all seriousness though, the end result is nice but the upset beforehand is unpleasant. Just before I got engaged I was out for a meal for my birthday, we had 1 young DC and i was pregnant with no 2, and had said we will get married soon but that it made sense for DC2 to be old enough to be there (we always wanted 2 DC), DH was always traditional and wanted to ask properly. At the meal his friend made a silly comment about when will we get married, rather than just saying once DC2 is older, he basically made some big speech about not wanting to get married (think Chandler from friends).

We were off to a special birthday trip the next week, he had the ring and proposal planned, I had no idea but I honestly felt after that night that I might leave him, it was so hurtful. All just to make sure the surprise worked out 😱

Herd of then both funnily enough!

As I stated in my comment .
It would all depend.
Has op taken a day off or loads of annual leave. She may be retired. .
She may not work due to various reasons ill health . Who knows
Once again I said it would depend on factors. .

This - and the fact that TWO days before he's asking OP for ideas, because he hasn't bothered to sort anything, or even to ask earlier to enable booking.

Assuming his plans for you tomorrow really do result in basically nothing........ I think you should get up and go out - but before you leave Id be telling him not to pack his bags and be gone before you get back.

Have you got the day off tomorrow? Has he?

Depending on the answer to the above, I'd tell him that you'd like to do something nice tomorrow for your birthday, has he made any plans or should you make your own?

I don't know why people stay in relationships with people who show such obvious lack of love, care and respect towards them.

Well, it does depend on the character of the husband tbf.

From OP’s post it sounds like the intention and to please her was there, he’s just been rubbish at organising it. Seems likely he is inwardly kicking himself for not having got his act together in time. Only OP will know if I’m being overly generous there.

If the husband is generally a selfish lump who doesn’t really give a shit then I can see it wouldn’t work then.

I generally think though that giving her husband a hard time tomorrow will probably make her day worse rather than better. The very best she can hope for in that event is a grovelling apology.

If she really MUST have it out with him, may as well wait till the day after her birthday at least!

Good God, why? That would be my idea of absolute birthday hell, loads of loud, drunken idiots dressed up as 'craic.'

Happy birthday💝Please don't do a damn thing for his birthday.

Absolutely this @neverbeenskiing and this is exactly what I’d do. Wishing you the loveliest of days tomorrow OP.

Have a backup day ready OP. I sincerely hope you won’t need it but a plan B is never not a good idea.

Actually, from seeing my friends with their partners, accepting it and telling them you're sorting it for yourself means that the next year they assume you'll sort it yourself. It's a vicious circle.

Lol my bar is so high that I have been single for 10 years 😁

No, I just don’t think that a massive row with her partner will help OP. It’s not ‘letting him get away with it’. Men aren’t children who need scolding to know they’ve done wrong.
Ever heard of killing with kindness? In situations like this, the more reasonable and gracious you are, the more the other person realises how poor their own behaviour has been.

Getting angry achieves nothing except a horrible day.

Yeah, not rtft but I was wondering if he's doing some sort of 'trick her into thinking there's nothing planned when there is' type thing. I hate it when people do that, because of the potential for upset, but I did wonder.

God your bar is so low.

Could you book yourself into a nice hotel and spend a couple of days away

I wouldn't be passive aggressive about it, but given he's made no effort the previous years of their relationship and then told her repeatedly over the course of a year that this one would be different and special, I'd be questioning the lack of care and the lies.

But I would ask him outright. What have you got planned for tomorrow, because you said last year this would be a special surprise and then yesterday you suggested you had to plan it still. And if the answer was that nothing was planned I'd be asking why he'd lied to me for the last year rather than just making the plan. Then, depending on the answers (and whether I believed them/they made sense) I'd be assessing how I felt about the relationship.

The bar doesn't have to be so low that you just accept being strung along for a year and let him off the hook.

Wishing you a lovely birthday for tomorrow, go out and do what you want to do, eat some lovely food, maybe go and get your nails done and treat yourself to some flowers. Then have a think about what you want for the future because you deserve more than the way you are currently living

Yes and after you have had a good day. I certainly wouldnt be home till he is in bed.

I think some PPs are a bit dramatic suggesting splitting up over this. He hasn’t forgotten completely, he does want you to have a nice day, this is not a partner who doesn’t care. The laid-backness is disappointing though, and YANBU to be disappointed, especially as he gave you to believe he would be planning something special.

Don’t be passive aggressive about it, be honest, and give him a chance to step up. It would be a shame to spoil your important birthday with an atmosphere or an argument.

“Love, I think you’ve left it a bit too late to plan a surprise for my birthday, so I’ve booked myself in for a spa day (or whatever) tomorrow. We can do breakfast and gifts, then I’m off. Shall we go out for dinner, or will you be cooking? If you want to book the surprise while I’m out during the day and tell me about it in the evening that would be lovely.”

No need to lay it on thick. By being really huffy about it you will just get his back up. If you are straight and non-aggressive about it he will have no reason to be mad back at you and it will be easy for him to see that he’s let the side down and want to make it up to you.

In your shoes I would absolutely take myself out for the day, and treat myself to something nice rather than letting him ruin my day. BUT there's no way I'd be going anywhere before we'd had a conversation about it, he's not getting off that lightly.

I would get up and ask him "so what's the plan for today then?" "Do I need to dress up? I remember you saying you were taking me somewhere really nice, is this top smart enough?" etc etc. If it were me, I would want him to be forced to admit he'd fucked up. If he started with the "is there anywhere you'd like to go? What do you want to do?" I would look shocked and say "you've spent months telling me you have made big plans for my birthday, so were you just lying this whole time?" Maybe it's petty, but i'd want to watch him squirm before taking myself out for the day, treating myself to a nice lunch and some retail therapy. Then when he's had the whole day to ruminate on what an idiot he's been I would come home and, as a final present to myself, bin him off. Because its not really about days out or expensive presents, it's about the fact that he has spent months getting your hopes up, lying, misrepresenting himself as someone thoughtful, generous and considerate when actually he's full of shit. If he let's you down on your birthday then you can pretty much guarantee he'll let you down in other ways and you don't need that in your life.