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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shall I just get up and go out?

969 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 09:50

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 17/03/2025 06:37

Happy birthday. I hope you have a good day!

Pootlemcsmootle · 17/03/2025 06:33

Happy birthday!! Plan something lovely for yourself, really lovely.

If he couldn't be arsed, genuinely, to do anything, I would not bother with this relationship.

See what he's done for you, you could be surprised! If he hasn't done anything make sure he knows how upset you are....and then majorly treat yourself.

beasmithwentworth · 17/03/2025 06:28

Happy big birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow 🎂. I hope you have a great day whatever you do x

DorothyStorm · 17/03/2025 06:23

Lavender14 · 16/03/2025 22:30

I think you need to hold fire for now op and wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Hopefully you'll have a lovely day and he'll surprise you. If he doesn't then that's not what I'd expect from a relationship, certainly not only 4 years in and not living together. There should still be effort and a bit of romance there and it doesn't need to be over the top. I would be voicing my concerns very clearly.

I agree with this. Look at what he does, not what he says.

happy birthday!

Applesandpears23 · 17/03/2025 06:22

Happy Birthday!

ThisFluentBiscuit · 17/03/2025 06:14

Happy 50th birthday, @wherethewildrosesgrow!

💐🎂🥂🍾

CandidHedgehog · 17/03/2025 06:13

Happy Birthday.

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 17/03/2025 06:03

Happy Birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow I hope you manage to have a lovely day. I wish that I could send you these in real life
💐🎂🍾⛴️ 🩷

TattyPhoenix · 17/03/2025 05:58

Whatever happens, happy birthday 🎈

Champagneandpringles24 · 17/03/2025 05:36

Happy birthday 🥳

CandidHedgehog · 17/03/2025 05:24

Empress13 · 16/03/2025 23:06

How do you know know he hasn’t planned anything?

She asked him and he said so (post at 20.04 yesterday)

Unless it’s a pretence to increase the surprise, of course but even if it is, he’s deliberately upset her by pretending not to have arranged anything which doesn’t say much for his character.

Scarydinosaurs · 16/03/2025 23:33

Do something wonderful and indulgent tomorrow. You’ve got a day to yourself, and you’re 50! That’s a huge thing to celebrate. Enjoy your own company because you’re brilliant by yourself and enjoy the independence.

Allow yourself to feel upset today, but tomorrow should be purely about you - no space for sadness.

ShinyClouds · 16/03/2025 23:27

why don’t you fly off somewhere for the night? There’s groups on Facebook for extreme day trips (overnights permitted!)

CheesePlantBoxes · 16/03/2025 23:25

Do you not feel confident enough to say something to him?

Like: I'm so excited for tomorrow. You've made such a fuss about making it special and I'm really looking forward to it.

Followed by this if needed: I'm really annoyed that you didn't make the effort last year and have made such a fuss throughout the year about making me feel special this year and you just haven't done a thing. Youve had 12 months and youve bigged yourself up but it's all words and there's no action. Why not?

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 16/03/2025 23:17

Think I’d be jumping on a flight somewhere lovely for next weekend if it were me.

Confusedmeanderings · 16/03/2025 23:13

OP if nothing appears on your birthday, go for it! Take yourself out minus DP and have a great time doing the things you wanted to do.

Empress13 · 16/03/2025 23:06

How do you know know he hasn’t planned anything?

Tbry24 · 16/03/2025 23:04

Happy 50th for tomorrow, take yourself out somewhere nice by yourself.

i turned 50 last year and that birthday and my 49th were just terrible. Extended family ruined both and everything I asked to do was ignored. I also thought my best friend was going to see me but it never happened. I ended up in floods of tears on my 50th as I’m in a really difficult family set up as my family are all LC or NC with me and yes my DP made an effort but it wasn’t what I had asked to do.

I still have things on my little list of things to do when I’m 50 that I’m doing in stages, some I will now hopefully do when I’m 51.

the only things I wanted there’s to be included in were I asked my adult DC to take me out somewhere just for once and a couple of special days out with my DP.

Lavender14 · 16/03/2025 22:30

I think you need to hold fire for now op and wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Hopefully you'll have a lovely day and he'll surprise you. If he doesn't then that's not what I'd expect from a relationship, certainly not only 4 years in and not living together. There should still be effort and a bit of romance there and it doesn't need to be over the top. I would be voicing my concerns very clearly.

ShinyClouds · 16/03/2025 22:29

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 22:23

Yes, I’ll be taking DC to school as usual, collecting them after school, hopefully going
out for a meal with them, or cooking their evening meal.

Take your DCs out straight after school? Don’t cook!

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 22:23

ClarasSisters · 16/03/2025 18:25

You don't actually know he's done nothing yet do you? All these last minute questions from him could conceivably just be to put you off the scent.

Are you at least going to let your dc see you and wish you happy birthday before you take yourself off for the day, or are you just assuming they've done nothing for you either so you're ok to ignore them and leave?

Yes, I’ll be taking DC to school as usual, collecting them after school, hopefully going
out for a meal with them, or cooking their evening meal.

OP posts:
Tgfh · 16/03/2025 22:18

OP, happy birthday.
Sorry that you have chosen another dud.

All words, no actions.
Why would you continue to spend time with a man like this.
You are just out of one toxic relationship, you need to take a break from men.

Your gift to him sounds like a huge gift and he does nothing for you?

Please find the self respect to realise this is awful.

You have 3 children to protect from another selfish loser.
You deserve better than this but won't get it accepting losers like this in your life.

Oh, and the continuously talking about it making promises is really ugly, nasty and unkind.

This is not a good man.

Devianinc · 16/03/2025 22:11

Devianinc · 16/03/2025 22:11

Don’t feel embarrassed, he’s should be embarrassed. What he’s done is just cruel and I wonder what’s behind that cruelty. I think he’s still a person that you don’t know yet and I think you would be better off moving on sooner rather than later. If he lets you down like you think he will I think your best bet would be to get out the relationship quickly.

I hope I’m wrong. Happy birthday

Devianinc · 16/03/2025 22:11

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 20:22

We are both off this week, my sister asked me
back in December what I was doing, as he was on night shifts, she said we could go out for the day, he said we should both book the week off go out together in the day, then out as a family in the evening.
So we both booked the week off, that time off started last Wednesday.
since then we’ve done DIY/Gardening.
Tomorrow is my 50th, and I’m going out with my sister on Tuesday.
If I’d have know he wasn’t going to bother, I’d had the day out with my sister instead.
i just feel embarrassed, and somehow ashamed.
I sure people will ask me what I’ve done for my 50th.

Don’t feel embarrassed, he’s should be embarrassed. What he’s done is just cruel and I wonder what’s behind that cruelty. I think he’s still a person that you don’t know yet and I think you would be better off moving on sooner rather than later. If he lets you down like you think he will I think your best bet would be to get out the relationship quickly.

BeCalmNavyDreamer · 16/03/2025 21:59

Have a good cry tonight.
Then, have a great day tomorrow. Sack him off.

Set yourself a budget and decide what the best thing you can do with that money is. You can have a great time.

I would go for museum and afternoon tea. Get your nails done or something too. Buy a nice magazine to read whilst waiting for anything like appointments or service.

Maybe treat yourself to something nice to wear or for the house that is a 50th keepsake - doesn't have to be expensive.

At some point in the future book a nice meal with your sister or some friends so you can wear your lovely new clothes.

It's shitty of your bf but forget him and give yourself the great day you deserve.

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