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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shall I just get up and go out?

969 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 09:50

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

OP posts:
Cathandkin · 17/03/2025 08:08

Happy Birthday 🎉 🎂!
Enjoy your day at the pottery studio. Is this the kind of relationship you want, moving forward? Think about the quality of your life now that you've left that previous marriage behind.
Is he worth it?

PinkCatInATree · 17/03/2025 08:07

Happy 50th Birthday - enjoy painting those dots

CousinBob · 17/03/2025 08:07

Happy Birthday OP!
I have learned that it’s better for me to decide what I want to have/do for my birthday, and my partner pays.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 17/03/2025 08:04

Happy 50th birthday OP! Have a lovely day at the pottery in your new dress making a 'World's Worst Partner' mug for him.

Only kidding, I hope he manages to make it up to you somehow. Enjoy your 50's 🍾🥂🎉💕

littlemissprosseco · 17/03/2025 08:03

Happy Birthday 🎂 🥳🎈
Enjoy your day 🥰

JayJayj · 17/03/2025 08:02

Happy birthday!!! I hope you have a great time at the pottery class and a fun day tomorrow with your sister.

I would seriously think long and hard about this relationship. It speaks volumes that he hasn’t put any thought into this at all. Personally I think it says a lot about how he thinks or doesn’t think of you.

You deserve better.

Birnamwood · 17/03/2025 08:02

Happy Birthday OP 🎉🥳🎉

WhatMe123 · 17/03/2025 08:02

Good on you op, enjoy your pottery and happy special birthday 💐🌸

FatLarrysBanned · 17/03/2025 08:00

Happy 50th birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow Enjoy your special day 💐

BeHere · 17/03/2025 07:55

Happy 50th, and enjoy your class!

OneAndDon3 · 17/03/2025 07:53

Happy birthday. Enjoy your lovely dress and your pottery day out. Leave thinking about your relationship to another day.

Nervousforscan · 17/03/2025 07:51

Happy birthday!! Once your children are at school please take yourself somewhere lovely for the day and get something booked for tea with them. We are all rooting for you to enjoy your day. Happy 50th!!!

EmpressaurusKitty · 17/03/2025 07:48

Happy birthday! I hope it’s at least better than your last one.

wherethewildrosesgrow · 17/03/2025 07:47

Bestfootforward11 · 16/03/2025 20:53

I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow. I’m hoping your DH will pull something out of the bag but if he doesn’t, I think you should enjoy what you can of the day and then the Tuesday with your sister. Then speak to him and lay it out as calmly as you are able. You are not being unreasonable at all to be disappointed. It sounds like youve been through such a hard time with your divorce and terminal illness in the family and this is your 50th. You’ve been with him 4 years and he was rubbish last year. Knowing all of this, it looks like he has not sorted anything for tomorrow (although I’m still hoping). I don’t know how he is on the day to day but this would upset me. Happy birthday for tomorrow. You deserve the best.

To be fair to him, last year I was in court trying to sort one of the many parts of my divorce and financials and abuse case…it was all very last minute, and I was totally drained afterward, and still had a long way to go.

OP posts:
FatherFrosty · 17/03/2025 07:47

babasaclover · 17/03/2025 07:37

@wherethewildrosesgrowgood morning to you and a very happy sunny birthday to you.

just wanted to say i wish I’d left early days as every birthday is a disappointment, so is Mother’s Day etc just lack of thought and then somehow making it my fault I’m upset. We had 10 years of ivf miscarriages etc to have our daughter and I spent the first 4 Mother’s Day in tears cause he didn’t bother doing anything or booking anywhere it’s just the worst of the worst.

he keeps buying my chocolates with my child eats. I actually send to him valentines please stop buying me chocolate and he said why you love chocolate. In over 20 years together I literally eat one small bar on day 1 of my period. It’s so frustrating. I don’t want my daughter growing up expecting the same from her future husband!

cant bring myself to buy him shit gifts though it’s just not in me. I have however stopped. Using cards at all for anyone and defo don’t buy his family presents now. Told them too that I’ve got too much on and it’s down to him

As a heads up. My friend was in the same situation, when her children got old enough to realise they didn’t have anything or hadn’t done anything (too young to sort themselves so needed help). They were distraught, frantically making something to make it right - which just made it all worse for everyone (apart from their shit dad).

as a side note, it’s better now she kicked his thoughtless arse out.

IsitaHatOrACat · 17/03/2025 07:46

Happy birthday to you @wherethewildrosesgrow!

Well done booking the class.
Have a wonderful time pottery painting and spend the rest of the day treating yourself too. You deserve it

dapsnotplimsolls · 17/03/2025 07:46

Happy birthday! Hope you enjoy the pottery studio.

MamaBear1111 · 17/03/2025 07:44

Happy birthday 🥳

FatherFrosty · 17/03/2025 07:43

Happy birthday
I hope you enjoy your course today and well done you for just booking it

as someone who has taken themself off for afternoon tea before, and also spent many birthdays cleaning. I know which one was better. I threw a massive temper tantrum on a Mother’s Day once, it did get better after that!

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 17/03/2025 07:42

CelRa · 17/03/2025 07:36

I would never get into a situation where I was waiting for a year for anyone to surprise me, or for me to surprise anyone else.

What a huge pressure with a massive chance of failure.

I would have talked with him before now about what ‘we’ might plan for my/his birthday and planned something together safe in the knowledge of a really good day.

Have a good day with your own plans. Happy Birthday.

Edited

This is what we did. My partner's surprise bit was how much they'd saved for my birthday. They told me that, also said what they thought I might like to do, and we planned & booked it together.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 17/03/2025 07:41

Happy birthday, OP 💐
Have a great day potting in your lovely dress x

GoodOnPaper · 17/03/2025 07:40

Happy 50th! 🎂 Enjoy ‘pottering’!

JurgenKloppsTeeth · 17/03/2025 07:39

Happy birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day at the pottery class.

I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship after today. Even if he does suddenly surprise you with something, it’s cruel to have led you on like this either way. I don’t think I’d want to be with someone who behaves like that.

LemonDuck223 · 17/03/2025 07:39

Happy birthday OP. Have a lovely time painting.
If he's a good partner I would sit down and tell him how upset you are.
If he's not the best and this isn't the first mishap then I would reconsider the relationship. Life is too short to waste precious time on someone who can't be bothered to make an effect for you

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 17/03/2025 07:38

Happy happy birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow I was 50 too on the weekend and your post about having such a thoughtless partner has made me so angry on your behalf. Don't let that mar your half century which is - as I realised - A Big Deal!
Good on you for getting something sorted so you celebrate properly. Have a super day.

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