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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shall I just get up and go out?

969 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 09:50

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

OP posts:
aster10 · 17/03/2025 14:08

Happy 30th!!! (Oh yes, 50 is the new 30!) I’d go to a restaurant or a nice pub with the children (depending on ages) or get a premium ready meal if you can get to a town with M&S/Waitrose, but actually premium ranges at ASDA/Sainsbury’s/Tesco are great too. And I’d get myself flowers as well. I have to say I prefer supermarket flowers myself rather than florists, even for big (and small) birthdays. And champagne maybe? I haven’t had red champagne for ages! Or pink? Or normal? 🎂 🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🎁🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾

Pipsquiggle · 17/03/2025 14:01

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I am really glad you have booked the pottery class. I hope you have a lovely time. Sounds like you deserve a bit of 'me' time with everything you had to deal with last year.

I too have a DH who is rubbish at organising anything for big events - card / present. He's just shite. For my 50th, I will probably have to do something similar to you.

UpsideDownChairs · 17/03/2025 13:57

Happy half-century!!!

See if your sister is would be up for it, or take your children - don't spare him a second thought.

Also, and not to bring you down on your birthday, but watch for how he reacts - when my ex (of 12 years at the time) entirely forgot my 40th, and I casually mentioned that I was 40 now to my little one when we were talking about something related, he got so angry - he felt it was my fault that he'd forgotten my birthday (again - I wasn't even complaining, he already had me so well trained to not even expect the bare minimum), and he didn't speak to me for days.

Iamnotalemming · 17/03/2025 13:51

Happy Birthday 🎂 @wherethewildrosesgrow

Celebrate Happy Birthday GIF by Pembe
outerspacepotato · 17/03/2025 13:49

Happy 50th from the Big Apple, @wherethewildrosesgrow

🎉

Lilactimes · 17/03/2025 13:45

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 09:50

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

Happy 50th Birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow

i am sorry you’ve been let down. I hope you have a lovely evening with your DC.

if he has something planned as a surprise then he should tell you as it’s spoiling your day! If he doesn’t then he’s prob not work any more of your time xx

BeanThereDoneIt · 17/03/2025 13:44

What low expectations people have if they think you’re being childish for expecting a birthday present from your partner!

Besides, it goes beyond that: he made promises for the day that he has reneged on, so beyond the lack of love and appreciation he’s shown you, he’s also showing you he’s unreliable.

You sound incredibly strong, so hope you are able to go out and enjoy the day. Let your sister know and ramp up the plans for Tuesday with her if you’re able?

Happy birthday, and well done for recognising your own value 💐

Yarden · 17/03/2025 13:43

I hope you’re having a nice day, op. My family didn’t do anything for my 50th, my dh included. I read them the riot act a few days later. They did their best to make up for it. I think they learned a lesson. The whole thing was sad. Xxx

BatchCookBabe · 17/03/2025 13:31

Happy 50th birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow 😃

I am sorry your DP is a useless lump of lard. I mean seriously, he could even have just booked a trip to the fucking zoo. How uncaring and mean.

Question is, do you want to spend (potentially) the next 30-40 years like this? With someone who seemingly gives zero shits about you?

What does this man actually bring to your life?

MakkaPakkasCave · 17/03/2025 13:26

Happy birthday OP and enjoy your pottery class.

I would not be continuing the relationship. Men like this never change, or if they do, it’s for another woman who they for some reason value more.

Give yourself a 50th birthday present and ditch the dead weight and enjoy being single or find someone better.

Broken12 · 17/03/2025 13:25

Happy birthday OP!

I hope you’re having a lovely day at pottery class and enjoy a meal with just your children tonight x

NiceProblems · 17/03/2025 13:19

I hope you have the best time at your pottery class.

Enjoy your birthday!

Channellingsophistication · 17/03/2025 13:19

Happy birthday, hope you are having a great day out!

I get where you are coming from. It’s not about what you “get” for your birthday, but the thought and effort that was made. My DP can be really thoughtful at times but for some reason on my birthday he doesn’t bother. I once got supermarket mugs as a birthday gift.

On my 50th we had weekend away. He paid for it but I did all the researching/booking. I remember posting on here to say how disappointed I was not to have received any gift to open on the day. I got flamed because I’d had the weekend away but it wasn’t about that, it was something that he had actually done himself for my birthday, rather than just having given me his credit card. The following weekend we went out for dinner with my friends. I dressed up a bit and he turned up in a really old T-shirt, no effort. That’s what it’s about. Demonstration of effort.

Perhaps after your birthday you can reflect on whether you want to continue the relationship with him.

republicofjam · 17/03/2025 13:17

I feel your frustration and disappointment but we'll done for taking the initiative yourself. Hope you have a fabulous time at the pottery. Happy Birthday.💐

Hdjdb42 · 17/03/2025 13:15

Happy birthday! 🎂 🥳 🎉 Honestly this happened to me, I was continually disappointed by my husband's lack of efforts. Last year I ignored his promises, and booked myself a massage, and bought a fancy chocolate gnache cake. I loved it! Go and do what you want to do x

MayaPinion · 17/03/2025 13:14

Happy birthday, WTWRG 🎉🎉🎉

I hope you have a lovely day and you paint the queen of all pots. Take the kids out to dinner, or a nice walk, or similar. Sometimes they’re the best medicine ❤️

Birdseyetrifle · 17/03/2025 13:13

Do not book him a seat. It will ruin your birthday meal as you’ll just be looking at him wondering why the hell he didn’t book the restaurant.

He’s shown you who he is really and what he thinks of you. You deserve better.

FrugalFeb25 · 17/03/2025 13:06

Another one wishing you a Happy Birthday! Enjoy your day at the pottery, and enjoy your day with your sister tomorrow - everything else can be dealt with after x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/03/2025 13:05

Scirocco · 17/03/2025 10:15

Happy birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow - I hope you have a great time at your pottery art studio. You've had birthday greetings from your DC, you've got an awesome dress, and a creative activity that I bet your 'D'P wouldn't have thought of doing and that sounds a great way to spend your birthday. Take yourself out for dinner, maybe invite your sister if you want, but do what you want, where you want! Tell him not to wait up and you go celebrate!

Edited

Happy Birthday OP.. Hope you are enjoying your day and your art class.

I agree with the other pps who said... sort out something nice with your important people and DC..

I think if someone hasn't stepped up to the plate in the past, and you've given them every opportunity and put in an effort for them.... then they have no business leaving you on tenterhooks wondering if they are going to go ahead with something, wondering if they havent bothered or if there is a surprise.
That kind of behaviour invalidates any kind of "surprise" because they've already put you through a lot of distress.

Plus telling you not to make your own plans???

ApolloandDaphne · 17/03/2025 12:58

Poor show from your DP. I would book what you want to do and go without him. I hope you are also seriously reconsidering this relationship. Happy birthday.

Cherrysoup · 17/03/2025 12:48

I'm so sorry you're having a disappointing time, after all you've been through over the past few years. I'd be equally gutted. I don't care if he isn't fussed over birthdays, this is a biggie and he had lots of warning and is still being useless. I would rather go out with sister than him to a restaurant if the kids can be self sufficient or take them too!

Codlingmoths · 17/03/2025 12:48

Hell would freeze over before I booked anything for him. If I book it, he’s not included.

and it is not embarrassing or whatever the word you used to tell him how he’s made you feel- bigging it up, having you book the week off, telling you you deserve it, now you tell him I dont want to see you today. You’ve been telling me to get something nice to wear, that I deserve it, and I’m left feeling like I’ve been stood up at the restaurant, and a big fat hairy nothing is all you really feel I deserve. I deserve more than a man who’d do that to someone they love or even only care for, so I need to not see you today, I’m going to try and have fun with people who care and if I’d known you were doing fuck all they’d be here for me with plans today. So thanks for fucking that up too.

GwanwynArYFfordd · 17/03/2025 12:41

Happy 50th Birthday! I hope you have a lovely time at the pottery. Go out for dinner with your children, don't take him out. Enjoy your children. You'll have a lovely time with your sister tomorrow. X

Middlechild3 · 17/03/2025 12:41

Being single, one of the things I miss is having someone to celebrate life's occasions with. He hasn't forgotten, he's discussed it over and over and has then DONE NOTHING. That's cruel. I hope you enjoy your day and have a lovely time as much as you can. Whatever he does now is irrelevant, he's let you down and ruined your big day to an extent. It's not about money but about care. You can make someone's day extra special by making breakfast in bed or numerous other things that don't cost money. Personally I'd be having a rethink of the relationship, not sure it would be enough to just tell him how upset it's made you. He's a grown arsed man, he might care, but just not enough.

Poppins2016 · 17/03/2025 12:39

I wouldn't invite him to dinner, OP. Have a lovely family meal with your children and (hopefully) sister. If you invite him, it'll feel hollow anyway and will give him a get out of jail free card ("but we did something") and lessen the impact of his actions. If he wants to rectify this, tell him that you'd like to celebrate next weekend once he's had a chance to plan something for you himself.

(I speak from experience... my DH didn't celebrate my birthday for a whole 2 weeks last year and I made it clear that it was on him to sort it. This year, he made an effort for the right date).