Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shall I just get up and go out?

969 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 09:50

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 20/03/2025 21:13

He should be feeling very ashamed of himself. A grown man promising all sorts of special attention on your birthday then not so much as a card, and a too little, too late ‘peace offering’.

Remember the wife who divorced her husband because of the dishes by the sink. It wasn’t the dishes per se it was the persistent lack of respect that broke the camel’s back.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 20/03/2025 21:06

@wherethewildrosesgrow

I had a gut (knowing) feeling that this would be the case and I'm sorry for you that it was.
My oh of fifteen years has only really gone all out for me once on my 40th birthday. I'm 47. Even mothers day have been shit. More than one!! There have been numerous let downs in other areas too. I'm with him still because I know how much he loves me and he's just shit at the celebration/gift thing. I guess I've accepted it and if I want something particular I'll either tell him or buy it myself which I shouldn't have to but he shows up for me in many ways that I need more than that thought (birthday).

If your DH brings you happiness and feel loved other than this, then I think you should stay with him.
If he doesn't then see ya later chap 👋🏼

Ticktockwatchclock · 20/03/2025 21:02

I’m so sorry he let you down so badly. After all his ideas and promises, and all the effort you made for his birthday he just couldn’t be arsed. What a let down and it’s cruel to big everything up and promise so much to then not bother.
Glad you kicked him out, he cannot be relied on for anything.
Hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong, and go out shopping to treat yourself to the best pair of binoculars you can find. 🌸

ByGoldMember · 20/03/2025 20:58

Should read dc sorry

Starseeking · 20/03/2025 20:57

Good on you for going out and celebrating yourself OP; it sounds like you’ve been through a very difficult time. Happy 50th birthday!

Now to your DP, it sounds like you’ve set the bar low due to your past experiences. I know because I’ve been there.

My EXDP used to behave exactly the same way towards me on birthdays, holidays and high days. He’d leave it right until the late evening before even acknowledging the day.

One memorable Mothers Day, he did his usual wait until the evening (about 9pm) then pretend he’d just remembered, then to celebrate he told me to order myself a takeaway on UberEats…which was linked to my bank account! I told him no as he’d never pay me back, then HE had the audacity to be offended.

This kind of man behaves like this as a subtle way to make you feel bad about yourself. He knows you’ve had a hard year, he’s been telling you all year you’ll have an amazing 50th, and then turns around and does this?!? He is not a good partner for you, as long-term you will have to put up with constant disappointment.

ByGoldMember · 20/03/2025 20:57

Stick to your guns and take care of yourself and do.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 20/03/2025 20:57

Whenindoubthugitout · 20/03/2025 20:42

Bloody hell. He is a dick.

my dp did something similar but not as bad for my 49th. 4 months later he was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s.
so part of me is saying ditch his sorry ass, and part of me has lived through it and realised that my now dh actually couldn’t help it.

Ouch 😳

BunnyLake · 20/03/2025 20:55

I hate it when someone behaves badly and when you ask why they say “duh, I don’t know”. He does bloody know, it’s because he couldn't be arsed and didn’t think it (or you) was worth the bother!

He’s emotionally stupid and I can no longer tolerate that in a man. I won’t advise you to dump him or stay as that is for you to work out, but well done for having high standards and letting him know he fucked up big time.

goody2shooz · 20/03/2025 20:54

@wherethewildrosesgrow he was ‘profoundly sorry’, and a shop bought cake and some candles at 9PM is supposed to mollify you and be acceptable???? What planet is he on/from? So glad you threw him out, it’s what he deserves. Just another cheapskate liar, all talk. Please don’t give him another thought - concentrate on YOU and getting on with a better life without that dross.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 20/03/2025 20:53

@wherethewildrosesgrow I think you go him out of the unlucky bag!! a prize dick for sure! you did the right thing. he doesnt deserve any more of your thoughts considering how thoughtless he was for you! toss him right back!

Mumto42005 · 20/03/2025 20:53

I am so sorry OP. I know exactly how you are feeling, and it’s horrible. You, and I, deserve so much better.

greengreyblue · 20/03/2025 20:52

Good luck op I hope you will feel empowered soon. You’ve put your needs and those of your children first. That’s strong and brave. Hold your head up high.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 20/03/2025 20:48

You deserve so much more. Could you confide in someone in RL? If not just come here
no judgment
some of us have been there

sending hugs

AngelicKaty · 20/03/2025 20:48

@wherethewildrosesgrow Oh dear OP, I'm so, so sorry - not even a ruddy card? How much effort does that take for heaven's sake?! I know you must feel like crap right now, but just remember - he has made you feel this way so you've absolutely done the right thing by ending it. What kind of moron would spend months promising you the world to then not even buy you a card? And to have no explanation for his careless behaviour? Jesus, he's utterly pathetic. But you're not OP, which is why you don't need him in your life. Please remember, you are worth SO much more than that idiot was prepared to give you. Time is a healer so give yourself just that; time. Sending BIG hugs. 🤗

StrikeAlways · 20/03/2025 20:47

I’m sorry you are going through this. Of course it’s not about a birthday present itself is it? It’s what it signifies. The pattern of broken promises, thoughtlessness, lack of care and consideration. I think you’re right when you say, you set a low bar for him due to past men being even worse. Stay strong. You deserve so much better than this. Good, loving men are out there and you can have one. As long as he is in your life, you won’t find one though, so don’t let him wheedle his way back in 💪 💐

ScribblingPixie · 20/03/2025 20:47

Oh no, I'm sorry, Roses, that's so rotten. At least he was honest: he just doesn't have it in him to make you happy and he doesn't know what's wrong with him. You deserve better, and I hope you move forward and find it. I'm glad you had a nice meal with your kids, though. Make sure that's the part of the day you remember.

Whenindoubthugitout · 20/03/2025 20:42

Bloody hell. He is a dick.

my dp did something similar but not as bad for my 49th. 4 months later he was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s.
so part of me is saying ditch his sorry ass, and part of me has lived through it and realised that my now dh actually couldn’t help it.

DDDSSF223 · 20/03/2025 20:41

He sounds a complete nutter - he knew what he had promised, bigged himself and his ideas up for months - and ends up he didnt even get you a card.

Yet puts £1000 on the table and a card and cake at 9pm ?

That is just nuts.

FrugalFeb25 · 20/03/2025 20:40

@wherethewildrosesgrow I am so sorry that DP didn’t come good. Take good care of yourself x

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 20/03/2025 20:40

Sorry op but well done. You have drawn a clear red line. You are valuing yourself. Take some time and look after yourself.

wizzywig · 20/03/2025 20:35

Oh op, I'm so sorry x
I'm glad he has left. Let's see if he owns it or if he becomes even more of an arsehole

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/03/2025 20:34

@wherethewildrosesgrow I'm so sorry he was that rubbish. He knows he's screwed up, and good for you for not just letting him get away with it.

Give yourself a few days space, see how you feel. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to get past the deliberate stringing along, I'd not trust him to do anything he said he was going to again, even if it were just something small like getting milk on the way home. But it's not me, it's you. See whether you think you can and if you want to. If not, then great, give him the boot. If you think you can and want to, then great, but make sure he does make it up to you. And keeps doing it.

PancakesForElephants · 20/03/2025 20:33

@wherethewildrosesgrow I'm so sorry you had a crap day. You did amazingly well to pull it together in the face of his total lack of care to do some self care.

Carry on with the self care, you are worth it, and you are worth more than empty promises.

Original poster
wherethewildrosesgrow · 20/03/2025 20:29

Hi all,
sorry for the late reply, thank you all for your Birthday wishes, and all the support.
So many of you have said kind words.
Its been a rough couple of days.
Some of the things I’ve read have really hit home, I do think I may have settled for shit, just because it was an upgrade on what I was used to.
It didn’t go well, there was nothing at all planned, no cards presents no suprises.
The EB pottery session was good, but I felt so alone and struggled to concentrate, think I’ll struggle to use the dish I painted, I felt a bit out of place watching all the other little groups enjoying their morning.
I got home to DP at the table with £1000 in cash, offering to buy me whatever I wanted and book us a weekend away.
I graciously refused both, as it really was all just too late, I explained that all I really wanted was him,us, together for the day, then something with us all together in the evening.
He said he knew he’d fucked up, and he’d put it right.
It was then pretty much time to collect the children, I took them some clothes in the car, and we got changed and had a lovely pub meal, just us.
When I returned home, put the children to bed, he brought out a supermarket cake and candles, it was 9pm, I just burst into tears.
Whats the point of a cake and candles at that time of night when the kids are in bed?
He spent the night on the sofa, and spoke again once the children were at school.
He spoke again about putting it right, I’ve told him he cannot, my birthday has gone, finished,
you cannot get it back.
I went out with my sister the day after, and I asked him not to be there when I got back.
All day I kept playing things he’d said about my birthday, I remembered, he’d even promised to bake me a cake himself.
i didn’t say anything to my sister, I just don’t think I could stand it all at the min.
I got home and he was still there, I got a bit angry at this point, and asked WHY? He didn’t have an explanation, he didn’t forget, he had remembered all of the things I mentioned, even all of the extra stuff he’d said, on top of what I’d mentioned myself.
I asked why he hadn’t got a card, he didn’t know.
He said money wasn’t the issue, he wasn’t feeling overwhelmed or depressed, as some posters had suggested.
He just didn’t know.
I told him how much it hurts, how embarrassed I feel (even though nobody knows),he was profoundly sorry, but I just feel it can’t be rectified.
He left soon after, and I turned off my phone, and shut the door, I’ve only gone out for school runs.
It fucking stings so badly, I just don’t want to go out of the door and face the world, and I’m due back in work tomorrow.

OP posts:
NovemberMorn · 20/03/2025 19:02

igivein · 19/03/2025 19:54

I think you’ve misunderstood me @greengreyblue and @NovemberMorn - which probably means I didn’t express myself very well…
What I meant was her partner possibly had a wonderful day planned for her, but wanted to keep it a surprise. I hope that’s what happened and she had a lovely day.
It’s also possible that he had a wonderful day planned for her, but by the time he turned up to spring the surprise she’d already gone out on her own- I hope this didn’t happen.

Ahh...I did misunderstand, but I see what you mean now.
Thanks for explaining.

I add my thoughts that hopefully the OP ended up having a nice day, and it would be good if she came back and let us know.

Swipe left for the next trending thread