Dinner with ex wife ?

Yeah. He's your soul mate 🙄🥺

Or at least not one where both parties see one another as opposed to his ex wife as as their soulmate

Thing os, OP. You describe him as your soul mate.

See, I have no time for such nonsense but I'd have thought that this is exactly the sort of situation that wouldn't arise with a soulmate.

how well do you get on with his sons op?

You say he's your "soul mate" but are you his?

It doesn't matter what the ex wife is like, she could be lovely, she could be manipulative and odd but no one can force an adult to do things they don't want to do.
Your partner is choosing to do all these things which annoy you and, if you have rowed about it before, then he knows they annoy you but is still choosing to do them.
Take her out of the equation entirely and look at his behaviour choices and ask yourself (and him!) why he is constantly making those choices.

This is literally never going to change now.
And it is utterly ridiculous. They aren’t anywhere near children now and if he starts to say “no” to her and finally put boundaries in place, what’s she going to do? They are perfectly capable of maintaining a relationship with him and she can’t stop him or them.
I do sometimes feel for the men who find themselves between a rock and a hard place where their ex is absolutely willing to use the children as pawns, but that doesn’t wash here by a long way.
But 11 years and this won’t change. You have 3 options:

1. accept it
2. leave
3. give him an ultimatum to get his sh*t together where ex is concerned or you’ll leave. But with any ultimatum you must be prepared to follow through, so option 3 could easily turn into option 2. But at least then you know where you stand and can stop living in this uncomfortable limbo.

Given the children still live with the ex I dont think it's as bad as some people are making out. It is possible to have a friendly relationship with the mother of your children and go to their house on special occasions etc.

This has been going on for eleven years? It’s not going to change now.

Yes it was his birthday (OP’s husband) not one of the adult children’s birthdays, as I read in the OP. Definitely adult children don’t need to dictate how a birthday is celebrated. In fact, nobody would expect any adult on here to be ok with another adult telling them how to celebrate a birthday.

why did they split up.
What’s he going to do when they are 39 and 42?

I disagree. His behaviour suggests he’ll do anything including giving her everything and doing diy because he has no boundaries and is a bit of a walk over

If the children were young it would make more sense to me. I wouldn’t be happy that he wasn’t up front about it or that it even happened.

OP I believe you "drop" it after a few days because you know deep down he will not include you. You should cut your losses and find someone that values you raise your bar you deserve it.

They are grown men not kids !
I would be saying to my children sorry no why would i spend my birthday with my ex and not my partner .
Now if this was a special occasion for the adult children then yes . A wedding , graduation then yes to both parents being there but also the partner.

This is just a mess.

If there was ever an event where DH had to be in the same room as wife #1, he would absolutely make sure I was with him.

There is something odd with this especially as kids are adults.

It was his birthday though, not theirs?

He celebrated his own birthday with his ex wife and his sons while his current wife wasn’t invited, is what I understood from the OP.

@Mimicat723 why did they split ? Who what’s to divorce ?
He has never head to change the dynamic as you put up with it. .It would be a deal breaker for me the birthday meal with the ex .
It should have been you and him and the boys .

This is so messed up . Please make some decisions .

He spends Christmases, birthdays and father's days with his ex wife? Doesn't sound very soul-matey.

Fighting and not speaking for days sounds like an awful relationship. Does he not want to stop fighting and marry you?

Youd have thought I’d be used to it

No. I'd have thought you'd have put boundaries in place by now and ended the relationship if you weren't happy with it.

Why should they if it’s their birthday? It’s not for the second spouse to dictate what the parents do with their adult child

But isn’t that just making it about you and her and not actually asking what the adult children want? Obviously a lot of children adult or otherwise are going to want their parents together at some events and not have to do everything separately

Absolutely fucking not.

I may be biased, as my ex cheated on me with his ex though!

But this kind of relationship with the kids being bloody adults is a huge no.

When my now husband and I got together he had a bit of a weird co dependent relationship with his ex, they still shared a lot of stuff and I pointed if I moved in it stopped, because that's not healthy at all. (He actually realised that even if we hadn't got together it wasn't healthy)

She was not happy about it, and she's since tried to take my place at a couple of family things but it's been shut down hard.

26 and 29. By now birthdays dinners should be only with their dad (and you, if that works). His mother’s funeral?! And his brothers and sisters allowed this?
No this would not (and does not) work for me. He basically has a second family. Or you’re the second family but it’s in the open.

People that have loved and cared for one another still acting like family is a good role model I think. Isolation is a modern disease, mental health suffers from isolation. She is still single, and he is her children’s father. I think I’d err on the side of generosity, it all seems harmless inclusivity.

You need better boundaries.
Taken for a mug is what you are.