Husband home drunk

She updated that she wanted to go out during his working hours and he pushed back saying it should be when she is not working instead. Sounds like he handled it badly to be fair - no need to be a prat about it, he just needed to explain that these are the hours on a Saturday he needs to work.

at no point can I see that OP has mentioned her going out or not going out in the evenings.

I think the main issue here is one that is common in relationships where one person works part time and another works full time - in this case, over full time. Naturally it’s the part time parent that assumes more parental responsibility and likely more house work. If OP is not happy with this, she needs to go full time and they share additional costs such as after school care and fully shared all bills ext ect and weekends become fully shared with parenting. With one primary age child this should be pretty easy to do.

if OP is not happy with the balance it can lead to resentments which boil over to other aspects, like him going out once in a blue moon and not behaving the way you had expected.

I am the part time working parent and I do get finding the right balance is hard and something that needs to be worked out and communicating is key!

I read that he gives her a lecture when she wants to go out, I think I quoted that comment when I replied to OP.

But I may have missed some details too, maybe I am wrong :)

This seems a massive stretch that she has to call Sally and tell her that she can’t come out? No where in her post and further updates does she say he is stopping her from seeing friends. I’m sorry but I don’t equate ‘go to exercise class in the week when you are not working’ to ‘OP is not allowed out with friends’

If that is the case - then of course it is completely wrong and needs to be addressed but are we reading the same thread and updates?

Erm... I would be pretty pissed off if my DH had a pattern of reducing contract before going out in preparation for just turning up whenever he wants. It seems extremely manipulative.

If he said "hey, I am going out. I expect to be home around 3am and will be very drunk so will sleep on the sofa"... Would you have an issue?

Knowing what to expect and that he is late out of choice (not dead in a ditch) is very reasonable.

I don't think it's needy at all, you aren't asking him to message you all night.

The other issue is the double standards. If he goes out with friends, you go out with friends.

I would be putting my foot firmly down about disparity surrounding this. I woukd be having a big conversation and saying that you don't mind him going out but you just want the communication to improve a bit. Also that double standards lead to resentment.

Does he want to be known as the husband who doesn't let this wife see her friends? If he is that way, I wouldn't cover for him. I would get on the phone in front of him and say "sorry Sally, DH is very upset about me coming and I now feel too guilty".

Show him up for how ridiculous he is being

(only if having a big conversation doesn't work, of course).

Although he doesn't sound like a very nice person overall, so that would give me pause.

If the class is only every other Saturday then I think that's a reasonable request, even though you have two free days if you're doing all of the housework then it's hardly like you'll be spending your free time twiddling your thumbs. It's probably a really good idea to sit down and have a good chat as there is more going on than just going out for drinks before these issues fester

Fair point. I read the thread first thing and was going to reply, but on-line delivery turned up and dog was sick (don't think the two are connected 🤣) so I just carried on where I left off.

Note to self - read the updates!!

If you read the thread you will see it was asking for permission to go to an exercise class while her husband is working and he (rightly in my opinion) suggested she does it on the days she does not work and child is in school. It’s hardly Mrs Rochester is it? 😂

So with your updates i do feel you are being unreasonable.

when you say you have to ‘ask permission’ readers are assuming he’s not letting you go out but actually according to your updates you asked during a time he is working - and he works 5.5 days a week whilst you are not working full time so can only assume he has to to work that to support your family. I would be utterly pissed off if my husband wanted me to finish work later on a Saturday because of an activity he could easily do on a day in the week when he is not working and does not have child care responsibilities.

as for ‘coming and going as he pleases’ if he hardly ever goes out then it sounds like he is coming and going to work?

I am more bothered by you needing permission to go out while he come and goes, and also not accepting responsibility for his actions.

Those are bigger issues than occasionally getting bladdered. Having said that, even if it's occasionally, he should still be accepting that being sick was about the quantity and not the quality and he should be apologetic if you have had to clear it all up.

But do you have the children/child on days you don’t work?

You’re focusing on the wrong thing.
The problem isn’t him going out and getting drunk once in three years, it’s the handing over of all responsibility 6 days a week so you can’t plan anything, to you.

Although getting really drunk to that point isn’t great and he should be more responsible to know his limits, if it’s only once in a while I wouldn’t be bothered.
I also don’t text or hear from my dh when either of us are out, we’re with other people and back together the rest of the time.
plan some time out for yourself too

If it’s only every few years i really would chill out, we all do stupid things occasionally. If it was every month that’s different.

If you work part time where is your dc when you are not working? Are they with you? If so, it doesn’t seem reasonable that you could go to an exercise class when you have them?

working 5.5 days out of 7 is a lot and seems to have shifted the balance of child care to you which I think is fair as long as he’s offering more financial contribution (and you both agree) If you would like more balance do you think you could work full time and therefore contribute more and he scales back his work (I’m guessing in trade) to help out more?

I almost have to ask for permission to go out
This jumped out at me.
What does it actually mean? Can't you say ' hey, I'm going out with my mates next Saturday, we are going to that new place in town. It looks good!' ( or similar obviously) like i imagine most people do.

Yes, it is unreasonable too. He's an adult. Why do you want to set a curfew?

The occasional bender, whilst not my thing at all, isn't the issue.

Its the being a twat before hand, and lying about what time to expect him back, thats the problem.
It is reasonable to let the person you live with know what time to expect you back, ish. That could be 'somewhere between 10pm and 3am' or 'half 9 on the dot' thats really up to the person going out, and doesn't matter, the point is don't say 10pm then get arsey when at 11.30 the person you live with is start to worry you might be dead in a ditch!

Also, start handing him the child and saying 'ill see you at 9... or 3am... tra!' and see how he fucking likes it.

I find that insult really sad.

I normally counter with ' I bet your fun outside parties if you need copious amounts of alcohol to be fun or interesting '

It only takes an extended period of sobriety to release how pathetic getting really drunk is; how selfish and potentially dangerous.

I’d say fuck it I’m out with the girls all Saturday. There are three concepts here- one is can he get shitfaced sometimes and the answer is in most relationships probably. The second is should he communicate like an adult both before about going out and during by not lying he’s calling a cab like a 12 year old, absolutely and these things can slowly drain a marriage. 3. You have a young child and if he thinks he can just go out but is angry if you did you should tell him to pull his fucking head in or never go out himself again, you are just as much a person who deserves to go out as he is and he is just as much a parent as you are and if he wants to disagree with either of those then you should talk about separating.

a conversation to have after you’ve said I’m out with the girls Saturday, and nothing more, then when he says when are you back you say I thought I’d just cut off communication except maybe about 10pm lying to you that I’m getting a cab, isn’t that how we do it in this relationship? Then I come home shitfaced?

Sometimes you are just having a good time with your friends and you lose track of time so you're not going to be watching the clock or keeping in constant communication. When I go out, I just say I'll be late and leave it at that and vice versa. That's normal for an adult relationship where you trust each other, and they should both be able to do that. Parents are allowed to have an occasional night out too, it shouldn't be a prison sentence.

This.