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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse to adjust my days for husbands son and to have a rant!

164 replies

yarlow · 15/03/2025 19:19

Just need a bit of a rant, I know I'll receive judgement but I'm also hoping someone else is in a similar position and can help me with coping with teen SS.

He is 15 and honestly I have reached the point where I absolutely resent him being here. It feels pointless him even coming these days. He now stays every weekend basically (his choice as closer to best friend here).

He never wants to do anything other than go out with friends or sit in his room. Now I understand this is just what teens do. They don't want to hang out with their families at this age, fine. But im sick to death of it dictating our weekends.

H won't force him to come out with us (young DC), and frankly I'm glad in a way as he'd spend the entire time moaning he was bored or wanting to go home, but he also insists we can't stay out too long if SS is at home because he doesn't want him at home alone all day (something his mum goes mad about). It makes no fucking difference if we are there or not, all we do at home is sit in the house while he sits upstairs playing his game console. He doesn't want to do anything with us anyway.

If SS does go out for the day you can guarantee there will be calls at some point during our day asking H to leave and collect him from somewhere or whatever else when he decides he wants to go home.

I have now said to H I am done with it affecting our weekends. If we have plans and SS doesn't want to join then fine. But I am NOT cutting my day short with my kids so that we can all just sit in the same house so SS isnt "alone" or to go collecting him or dropping him off somewhere.

From now on I've said we will go in separate cars and if H wants to go off early he can but I won't be anymore.

Another Saturday today dictated by my husbands lack of ability to say no. I'm so sick of it, sick of SS and sick of H.

I am fully aware this is teens and ill have the same with mine. But God I am just fed up of it now, I'd really rather wish he just didn't come anymore, what's the point, he spends no time with his dad anyway and its not for lack of offering of trying.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 15/03/2025 20:42

Is Dh refusing to stay out because his ex will go mad if she hears or does he feel guilty that SS is upstairs not needing company but he still wants to be there? Either way, YANBU.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 15/03/2025 20:39

A 15 year old not being left alone for long when he doesn’t want to come out with you is ridiculous.

Two cars is perfect; stick to it OP. He’s not your issue.

likeafishneedsabike · 15/03/2025 20:34

Chipsahoy · 15/03/2025 20:31

Think the mum is the issue here. Seems step son is happy to be left all day.
I have teens and a small child. Teens often stay home while we go do something for the day with small child. That’s a normal family life. He’s part of your family and when he’s with you that’s what happens, mum doesn’t get to dictate what goes on in your house.

Not sure the SS is totally happy to be left all day as he wants lifts out to see friends (maybe it’s not the kind of place where he can get himself around independently?)

Hwi · 15/03/2025 20:33

HaveCreditWillShop · 15/03/2025 19:25

So you’ve taken on a man with kids, and now you’re surprised that’s a bit tricky?! Oh dear.
to be honest you’ve got about 2 years till he learns to drive and the. You’re going to see much less of him. I think you’ve got to suck it up buttercup. You’ve married someone with children and ALL the children come first.

Bravo

Chipsahoy · 15/03/2025 20:31

Think the mum is the issue here. Seems step son is happy to be left all day.
I have teens and a small child. Teens often stay home while we go do something for the day with small child. That’s a normal family life. He’s part of your family and when he’s with you that’s what happens, mum doesn’t get to dictate what goes on in your house.

likeafishneedsabike · 15/03/2025 20:26

Endofyear · 15/03/2025 19:40

Your DH is the problem here. I think it's fine for a 15 year old to spend most of their time with mates and/or gaming at the weekend but there has to be some balance. For example, he shouldn't have to go to the park with you and younger kids or to the supermarket or whatever. But if you're going out for Sunday lunch as a family or visiting relatives, DH should tell him he's coming, no arguments.

Unfortunately you can't make DH be a responsible parent to his son so I would just get on with doing your own thing either with your younger children (or leave them at home for DH to entertain!) and accept that this is the way things are for now. It won't be forever, in a couple of years SS will be almost an adult and can be left to his own devices.

I have two teens and think this is good advice. They don’t want to be doing stuff with parents like small children any more, but there has to be some time with family over a weekend. You can’t just have them holed up all weekend as it’s not healthy and doesn’t maintain good relationships. What about the gym or the cinema or going out to eat? Or out to some live music or the theatre or live sport? Or taking a good long walk together? Or just chilling inside binging on a good series or watching the rugby ? The family schedule has to be adapted so that your SS actually spends time with adults. He’s not grown yet - he needs support and someone to help him pursue his interests and listen to him.
OP, I mean this kindly but you need to adjust your expectation of family weekends when there is an adolescent under your roof. He needs a great deal of parental input, even if he doesn’t actually WANT or seek that input.

HaveCreditWillShop · 15/03/2025 20:22

yarlow · 15/03/2025 19:30

So you’ve taken on a man with kids, and now you’re surprised that’s a bit tricky?!

I've been in his life for nearly 10 years. I'm aware its tricky. I'm just fed up.

I do get that, and I do think there could be a bit more flex - not sure why you can’t go out for the odd meal for example.
I just feel for him because he’s obviously had the trauma of his parents breaking up when he was a little tot, I get the feeling g he’s maybe been pushed out a bit when you and your DH had your own kids, and I just feel for the lad a bit. I can see his mum’s POV, I wouldn’t want to send my kid over and know he’s just sat in on the PlayStation all day, but I do also get that you can’t make him go out with you. Enjoy the rant and get it off your chest. You sound quite intelligent and I think you’ll find a middle ground when the red mist clears. Good luck x

Nonsense10 · 15/03/2025 20:11

You have a husband and husband's ex problem.
I think you've worded it wrong, you probably don't actually resent him. You're resenting the situation and the other adults that are causing this.

I have a teenager too. Gets left behind on days they don't want to join us. If they choose to go out, they know they need to get themselves home again.

The ex needs telling she cannot rule what happens whilst SS is with his dad, similarly your husband can't dictate what happens when SS is with her. Your husband needs to tell her.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 15/03/2025 20:09

Ask dh what sort of relationship he sees himself having with his younger dc.. The one who does want days out with their df.... But has a df who opts to pander to a teenager instead of having a good time with them. Presumably dss can manage to use a bus? If his ex has an issue with dss being Home Alone she can stay home with him.

I can imagine your respect for dh is wavering.

ThejoyofNC · 15/03/2025 20:03

Why on earth can't a 15 year old be left home alone?

Owlteapot · 15/03/2025 20:02

A 15 year old should be able to stay home alone for the evening if you want to go out. Stop letting dh ex dictate what happens in your house

Poirot1983 · 15/03/2025 20:01

All perfectly normal 15 yo behaviour. Your DH sounds like a good father.
.

pearbottomjeans · 15/03/2025 19:59

HaveCreditWillShop · 15/03/2025 19:25

So you’ve taken on a man with kids, and now you’re surprised that’s a bit tricky?! Oh dear.
to be honest you’ve got about 2 years till he learns to drive and the. You’re going to see much less of him. I think you’ve got to suck it up buttercup. You’ve married someone with children and ALL the children come first.

This - honestly I’m never going to make myself a step parent because I know I won’t love the stepchild as much as I do my own. Same reason I wouldn’t want DH to remarry etc!

Look, this kid is 15. What did you do at 15 OP? He sounds pretty typical. You need to unclench, that’s clear. You’re choosing to be stressed about this. When your own kid is 15 you’ll look back and be embarrassed you were so harsh on your SS (although you won’t because you sound pretty determined to hate him).

SemperIdem · 15/03/2025 19:58

You are right, your SS is being a standard teen. Your husband is being a complete drip, however.

Let the boy be independent, whether that’s chilling in the house on his own or going out with his friends.

When I was a teen, my parents set the rule that I could have a lift to where I was going, or home, not both. Because they had things to do too. Still seems a most reasonable rule now and one I’ll likely implement with my own family when the children are old enough.

Pineapplewaves · 15/03/2025 19:57

My parents left me at home alone when I was 15. Nothing bad happened, I watched TV, listened to music, did my homework, made myself cups of tea and toast… Just go out and leave him to it. What DSS does in your home is nothing to do with his DM. If she doesn’t like her DS being left alone he can stay at her house EOW.

If I were you I would just plan my weekends around myself and my kids and leave DH to sort himself and his DS out.

MJBear · 15/03/2025 19:57

YANBU but this is a problem with your DH not your DSS. He is just being a typical teen.

your DH has some sort of guilt thing going on or hasn’t realised his DS is no longer 12yo. He 15yo so can sort himself out and get himself to places via public transport, walking or a bicycle.

your DH needs to grow up!

Worried8263839 · 15/03/2025 19:57

arethereanyleftatall · 15/03/2025 19:38

I’ve zero sympathy for you. You knew he had a child when you married him, yet you did it anyway. Of course you hate having an unrelated 15 year old boy in your house, it sounds utterly horrible. But you chose this. The child didn’t, and now has to live 50% of his time with someone who resents him being there, even though he has no choice. He’s just being 15. 2 cars is a good idea.

I cannot stand these comments. It’s so predictable and said from a place of zero understanding. How was she meant to predict this 10 years ago? If this was her own child she was frustrated about, would you be telling her the same advice? Doubtful. Stepmothers must also predict the future now too. Noted.

Gustavo77 · 15/03/2025 19:55

He’s going a good job as a dad he should be admired and supported by you, not berated.

Hankunamatata · 15/03/2025 19:54

I think this is also a case of having large age gap with kids. Even if he was bio son there would still be same issues.

I don't think it's unreasonable if you having younger children minded that dss goes to mum's or gets minded with younger children.

StripyHorse · 15/03/2025 19:52

YANBU to take a second car.

It wouldn't be completely out of order to suggest that occasionally, SS stays at his mum's at night so you and DH can go out. It sounds like she lives relatively close (either mention of being closer to his friend) so surely DH can drop him off late afternoon after him being with you all day.

olympicsrock · 15/03/2025 19:51

Clearly not a mother of a teen. If he was your own , you would just balance the everyone’s needs. You married a man with a child.

FreebieWallopFridge · 15/03/2025 19:49

I’ve said YANBU, but this squarely a problem with your husband, not your stepson.

amylou8 · 15/03/2025 19:49

He's being a normal teenager.
It's your husband that is causing the problem.
Of course a 15 year old can be left alone for the day. As long as you can be contacted if there's an emergency then absolutely no issues. If he wants to ferry him around that's up to him. None of mine got lifts anywhere unless it was an emergency.

ICantChoose · 15/03/2025 19:44

Yanbu - tbh I'm sick of the way Mumsnet idolises teens and thinks that all adults should pander to their whims, their awful attitudes and antisocial behaviour. If your Ss doesn't want to spend time with the family then tough luck, they need to spend the day on their own. You shouldnt have to cut the day short with the other kids because of bad/moany/selfish attitude. I have far too many memories of being a teenager and one of my sibling's awful attitude being pandered to and it's simply unfair.

Wingingitnancy · 15/03/2025 19:44

Tbh it's just your DH, your SS would probably love the house to himself in the evening..I always did.
Difference is when your kids are teens you probably would go out and they call if they need you. I think most people don't rush back every night to just be there with older teens, they generally just come and go unless lifts are needed..or money 😂😂