To refuse to adjust my days for husbands son and to have a rant!

Yes, I think you’re taking the right approach. I have a young teen and a much younger child (neither are stepchildren), and older one does have activities and friends to see on the weekends. Dh and I fairly often do separate things. One of us stays home to run older one around (no public transport here) and one of us does a day out with younger one. Big family days out with such different ages aren’t fun.

If I was your Dh, and I only saw my dc on the weekend, yes, I probably would want to prioritise doing things with them or just being around the house with them. I think it’s okay to do separate things some of the time. Sometimes I send Dh out with the little one and older one and I just watch tv together all afternoon on a Sunday. At least we are in the same room and we get to talk a bit. I would feel sad just leaving her every weekend, but you have to strike a balance.

if mum doesnt like it she can start having him eow-bet she would soon back off

15 year olds areperfetly fine to be left alone

I'd try and negotiate back to EOW and if that fails then leave teen on his own if he's comfortable with it. It's not upto the Mum, she's got free w/e's!
With my own DS, I've made it clear I won't be a taxi service. There's buses and I buy him a bundle of tickets at a time. However, we are not too far from anything, not sure of your situation.

Also are you still doing activities SS would like? Maybe go karting, a climbing wall center, theme park etc?
Make sure he's not missing out on age appropriate days out because of having the younger siblings

We have a teen and young DC, and the teen knows they either come with us, or are aware of when we will be back and we arrange lifts around that.
Do you have contact with his friends parents? Can you get a set up where when you are available you give him and his friends lifts, and then when you're busy hopefully friends parents can return the favour? Or when you're out arrange for the friends to visit yours instead so SS doesn't need lifts?

I think your answer lies in broccoli. Teens hate it so it should be the main constituent, unseparable, of every meal and dessert. A few weekends of that and he will never come again. Nom nom - broccoli pudding!

Alternatives are taking the games console away or getting DH to sort out the teen.

15 is old enough to stay home alone. He is also old enough to get the bus. I know how annoying it is with a teen who expects you to wait around when they need your taxi service. I've told my dd 13 now that she either gets the bus back or we agree a time and I'll pick her up at that time as I was getting fed up of not being able to make my own plans. I think two cars is a bit much to be honest just make an agreement like the above. I have a 6 Yr old and 13 and age gaps are hard to navigate. He's not really going to want to do the same things but you could do some things that all would like eg bowling or eating, mini golf and insist that once in a while he partakes as he is part of the family.

You can't go out for a meal on a weekend and stay out late as he's home alone?! At 15?!

I was babysitting someone else's child at 15, and doing so until about midnight then taking myself off home across the street. 🙄

Sounds like husband is babying him, and stepsons mum is being a hypocrite.

Two cars for day time outings is a good idea. At least then you and the younger kids don't have to be put out by it all.

YANBU op, this is very skewed to be all about one child every single weekend when you have a whole family/household of people, adults and children all with their own needs and wants too. It is hard to find a balance but this sounds like it needs reassessing.

teens never want to spend time with their family, they literally just want you there for the odd sandwich or ‘hey how you doing’ comment and then gone again. He’s just being a teen.

I know that must be irritating when he’s not your own (I honestly mean that because I can look at my 15yos and 17yos and roll my eyes that I have to find ways to drag them out but I was the same-albeit in room reading and doing art but I wouldn’t go anywhere with my parents unless they were bringing me to stables or shopping).

Maybe try a movie night or games night every so often so ye can bond a little? And yes two cars and say to your dh a little more time together although I disagree with the it’s fine leaving all day until after ten, I do think teens need some company in the house

YANBU. Tell your DH to talk to him about it effecting the family/siblings and maybe set up one weekend he goes along and next time he can stay home. Also go out with both cars so that you and DC can continue your plans.

Everytime time it comes up tell DH to talk to him, like a broken record.

I have a 15 year old. Your husband is ridiculous. The kid can be left alone, if that's what he wants. Take 2 cars so you stop resenting the kid.

No NT teenager needs a bloody chauffeur...

Surely any babysitter could 'babysit' (for want of a better word) SS too?

Why can't he make his own way to his friends/to socialise? Doesn't he have a bike?

Say that every other Saturday he can’t stay over as you have days out planned. He is welcome to stay if he wants to join you but not to just sit at home.

Will you resent your own children when they are teens and don’t want to go out with you at weekends or will you have more understanding?

Have you tried talking to DSS? Particularly about being at home on his own. He might actually prefer it!

You've definitely got a H problem.

The teen is just being a teen.

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh because you have said it's a step child.
I am sure other parents must have similar issues with their biological children if they have a big age gap and manage this. I think the poster who suggested he needs to balance things is right, and sometimes as with any biological child they have to simply do as they are told. If it is a brief outing then fair enough, he can do his own thing. If it's a day trip out for longer, he needs to come along and maybe DH can ensure he does something with each child during that day trip.
What is the childcare arrangement in the week? I would revert back to having him every other weekend and having him in the week if that was the prior arrangement. It sounds like he only wants to stay at dads because it's convenient and I also wonder whether dad feels more guilt and is more likely to drop things and drive him round at his beck and call than his mum will. It also seems very convenient for the mum to now have every weekend free.

I understand your frustration and feel for you, however at least you know he's a decent dad-the alternative is that he doesn't give a crap about his son. This irritating situation is much much better than him being a crap dad to all his children...

Appreciate this is a H issue.

You should have led with this. I don’t understand why it’s taken you this long with your partner’s ineffectual parenting.

Separate cars on trips out is clearly a good idea, yes.

On the contrary - from a place of 💯 understanding- from the child’s point of view. And how could they predict it? - because it’s absolutely obvious.

He is 15 not 5 he is fine at home. Ffs no doubt you all have
mobile phones. He can join in or stay at home or your husband can be at his beck and call. Everyone else should t have to suffer

Except he's not spending quality time with any of his children, taking them out and having all these precious life experiences that NNs value so much. He's forcing everyone to stay at home while a 15 yo stays in his room gaming. Who also isn't spending time with his dad or siblings. He's letting his son have endless gaming time so how is that a good father?

You have a husband problem @yarlow. His idea of 50/50 is doing nothing with his children on his time.

A 15yo can get a bus home or a taxi. He doesn't need picked up every time especially when it means leaving other children to do it.