To refuse to adjust my days for husbands son and to have a rant!

Poor kid. I am sure he senses your resentment.

he is being a normal teen. You are being a whiny princess😂. At least he has an excuse for being moody and selfish.

How on earth will you cope when your kids are teens.

Sort this out with your husband and stop blaming a teenager for being a teenager.

He’s 15 , why can’t he be left at home. Just put cameras and tell the mom to bud our take or take care of her own child. What, is he the dictator. He’s not a baby. I left my kids to go out at that age. It’s not that big of a deal and if he screws up he can’t come over anymore bc he can’t be trusted.

Omg teenage children of mumsnetters live like royalty compared to how I did.
If I had phoned my dad when he was out at a weekend to demand a lift he would have said no. End of story. His two favourite expressions were "life's not fair". And when I said I want a lift/new clothes/ kentucky fried chicken he would respond "want away".
If I foolishly continued whining he would begin a lengthy lecture about all the many hardships he faced in his teenage years, which included walking long distances often in the rain and milking cows by hand often in the dark and occasionally ended with a reminder that he had not had the incredible privilege of having a father, as his dad had died fighting for the democracy that I was completely unappreciative of as displayed by my whining.

I massively empathise OP.
My DSD would come over every 2nd weekend (when my DH was off) and she was the same.
Spent all day in her room or if she emerged, she'd mope in kitchen or sitting room, either headphones in / drawing / looking at her phone.
She'd always get headaches when here & never want to go out (or if we did go out, she'd get a headache or feel sick... there was always something).

At the time, my DH was on shift work so only had every 2nd weekend off, so basically every time he had a weekend, she was there moping around 🙈

We have 3 other DC who she has very little interest in.
It got to the point I would dread those weekends as no matter what we did, it was never right.
In the end, the weekends became less frequent & she said she didn't want to come over anymore. This was well over a year ago.
And it's really such a shame as we have tried and tried & DH has met her to ask what's wrong and why she doesn't want to see us... she just doesn't want to.

If you don't have the option of changing to EOW, then the 2 car idea is ideal.

I don't agree with other posters giving you a hard time.
Stepmother's are tarred with the same brush.
I well knew DH had a child when I married him, did I know when she was a teen she'd cut us off? No. Have we tried and tried, yes we have.
And I'll keep on trying as I want her to know she's part of the family & I do think in time she'll realise we want what is best for her and also that she has siblings that want to see her.

This tbh.

Poor kid.

So not from a place of understanding her perspective then. It’s obvious to anyone that knows what it’s like to parent a teenager or be a step parent full stop. 10 years ago, she did not. We can’t foresee anything in 10 years time. We might have some idea, educated guesses, plans in place etc but ultimately we can’t predict the unknown!

See, now this makes sense. Spending a weekend day/night at home is not going to hurt the teen. Perhaps he'll start appreciating all that is done for him and the bending everyone, but he is doing to keep him "happy".

Compared to some of the MNers here who think the whole family should sit around while Daddy Dearest mollycoddles his teen son. He leaves his son to his gaming and spends next to zero time with his other children, "just in case his son needs a ride or isn't home alone too long".

Posters calling the father a "good dad" are setting the bar really low.

I agree with you that you do have a H issue. He is 15, if he chooses not to join the rest of the family that’s his choice and the result of that choice is that he will be home alone. But, his choice to stay home by himself should not have the power to limit the rest of the family. That is setting a precedent for the type of entitlement that everyone else should pander to him or come second to him. That’s not a good quality to have. And it’s not setting him up for having healthy relationships with other people in the future.

Being a parent is hard (and no parent is perfect) so I am not going to pass judgment on your H or SS’s mum.

Can you casually mention to H that it’s probably not in SS’s best interest to be always scheduling the rest of the families activities (including cutting them short) around SS’s wants? It gives him control over other members of the family that is inappropriate and doesn’t teach him to grow into a responsible, mature, self governing, healthy adult.

His autonomy should be respected but not at the expense of anyone else.

Spectacularly missing the point.

@yarlow the OP wants to treat him exactly the same way she would if he were her own child ie. leave him at home alone if he doesn't want to come out with them and not cut their day short. It is the DH who is behaving differently because of some misguided feeling that he needs to appease his ex who should have no say in what happens at Dad's.

Granted, I was 15 more than 10 years ago…but are teens these days not allowed to be left alone for the day or beyond 10pm at night? Has that much changed in 10 years or what?

At that age, I was my mum’s only child at home and I generally got on with my own social life and time, and she hers. I was invited to come with her at times, but if I didn’t want to go then I stayed home or did my own thing. Sometimes she’d go out and be home by 1am at the latest. I liked my own company and I enjoyed her going out.

2 cars is a good idea, so you and your dc can still do all the normal days out. I’d go home separately on date nights too because that is ridiculous. Tell your dh to get and pay for a babysitter if he wants to come out with you as you aren’t coming home at 10pm for a 15 year old, I wouldn’t do it for my own children. And organise some nights out with girlfriends until your dh grows a pair.
basically, the child is pretty normal, you need to stop getting so frustrated at child, your dh however needs to get a grip and I would be royally pissed off at him, and adjust your actions so you don’t let him stop you from having a normal life. Take a weekend away with your dc :)

@Jimmyneutronsforehead

Thing is, he is choosing to spend every weekend at his dads, not at his mums. There’s a reason for that. I’d be more concerned with that, if he was my son.

100% agree with this

Hmm Ive had teenagers. I wouldn't let my own get away with that behaviour. If he doesn't want to go out with you fine. But no need to stay indoors yourself. If he needs lifts then ask in advance, and see whether it's practical. If not get the bus, cycle or walk. No way would it be acceptable to phone up and expect everyone to drop their plans to give him a lift.

Not true at all. My teen either comes with us (always welcome) or stays home. We do not rush home if he suddenly decides he wants a lift somewhere or someone else thinks we should be there.

I don’t think it’s fair to blame your SS or be fed up with him, he’s doing what teenagers do and has his own social life and I’m sure your younger ones will be much the same.
However, at 15 he is more than capable of being home alone for the day if he doesn’t want to come, and to sit in until 10ish of an evening if you are going out. He also needs to familiarise himself with public transport and getting himself where he needs to be. Most of us managed this in our teens without smartphones, I do think some teens are babied these days.

What activities is it that you are doing though?

Are they young child centered mostly?

I'm on the fence. I think you can totally leave a 15 year old alone all day, but I also think that if that's his dad's contact time and his dad is making all this effort to go out on young child centered activities but not age appropriate activities for a 15 year old where he can even invite his friend along then I'd be mad too if I was that lads mum.

I agree with PP. SS is behaving like a typical teenager. The problem is DH.

I have a teenage DS. I tell him on a Friday night what me and his younger brother are doing over the weekend and he decides whether he wants to come with us or not. Most weekends he joins us for some of our activities (especially if it’s going to football, or hiking) but other times I leave him home alone. If we’ve left him at home and get back to realise he’s not been out all day, then I send him out on his bike or for a run, or we go for a walk together.

Does DH have friends with similar aged children? Could you suggest he speaks to them so that he gets a better idea of what is ‘normal’?

It is really unfair that you never get to have a weekend not dictated by SS. I would talk to DH about how resentful this is making you - the 2 cars thing is a good idea, but you and DH do need to communicate about this because things like this can end a marriage and it really just needs some proper discussion.

Your dh sounds like it’s his problem not your ss. But you seem to be taking it out on him. I would leave ss to it and work around. We will collect at x time or get the bus. My teens are happy to be left home alone most the time. Maybe your dh feels guilty leaving him home alone?

Who's doing the childcare while you're out on a date night? Are you getting a babysitter for your kids and 15 year old dss? Or is dss doing the childcare?

Her husband is doing absolutely nothing wrong. He is providing a home for his child. This is what life with teenagers is like. What would everyone suggest the husband does- tell his child that his he is no longer welcome because his mere presence is annoying to OP. Will she wish her own children away every other weekend when their teenage habits annoy her?

The 15 year old can stay at home and he'll be fine. His mum can moan and bitch if she wants but you don't need to pay any attention her. She isn't the boss of the world. What's she going to do....stop contact..?

I have teen kids of my own and my weekends are dictated by where they have to be. We moved to a place with no public transport and too spread out to walk, so knew it would be like this. I think it's unreasonable to expect your DH to not facilitate his son's social life. Though I think the not being out all day so he isn't "alone" when he just spends all his time in his room is ridiculous. It doesn't really matter what his mum says if your DH thinks it would be okay and you DSS is okay about it.

I would also say, though, that while I hear a lot on here that not spending time with parents is just "what teens do" that's definitely not my experience. We do quite a bit with our teens and they seem to enjoy spending time with us. We have a movie night every week, we go on day trips places (normally dictated by their interests) and we have game afternoons when we play cards/board games/ video games/ Dungeons & Dragons/etc. Not every weekend, but at least once a month. I can see that having younger kids would make that a lot trickier, but your DH probably ought to put effort into taking his DS off for some 1:1 father son time semi regularly (and leave you to have uninterrupted trips with your DC, or drop them off with family and have a day to yourself...).

He can be alone at home at 15. You don't need to do everything together. His dad can take him somewhere else, and you can go with the small kids somewhere else. We've got 2 kids with only 5 year gap and the older one already wants to do different things with dad as he is bored with me and the toddler. BTW I wouldn't allow my child to game the whole day, regardless his age. It would be better if he did some sport activity with his dad or his peer group at the weekend. Why not enlist him at some sports club?

I think YABU for thinking a 15yo needs to be babied. Your DH needs telling that he can be left all day, or late at night, and will be just fine. As long as he has a way to contact you at that age they don't need much attention! The lifts everywhere are trickier, but he should be encouraged to use public transport or switch HIS plans if it's inconvenient for you. It sounds like a lack of communication is the issue. SS may well agree that he's ok alone if you talk to him. DH needs to see this isn't reasonable or fair on you. Maybe he should just stand up to his ex if she's fussing about his parenting choices? It does sound like a rubbish situation, and I hope you can sort it out. 15/16 is a really difficult age as it's all about leaving them more and letting them be independent, but parenting habits can be hard to break!