To refuse to adjust my days for husbands son and to have a rant!

YANBU. I have a 15yo DS and he's absolutely like this too. I invite him out but if he'd prefer to stay in bed gaming then I leave him to it. If your H wants to babysit a 15yo then more fool him. Carry on with your day.

Yeah, this isn’t the boys fault, his behaviour is all normal. Staying in his room, prioritising his mates over family, being selfish about lifts. Totally standard.

Your issue is definitely that DH is pandering to XW.

I think you should take the weekend away but plan it with a friend rather than DH. Live your life, don’t let this situation drag you down. Hopefully he will come to his senses eventually.

I think if you want a weekend away it’s fine to put your foot down and say he stays with his mum that weekend. If you aren’t there, he can’t stay!

100%. My 15 year old is more than capable of using public transport, even for far away distances. This is not normal.

🥱

Your DH is ABU - his son is 15 not 5!!

We've got 3DC with a large age gap between 2 & 3. There is no way Id have ever entertained this with my own DC so you shouldn't either.

If DC1 & DC2 didnt want to come out with us when we had plans with DC3 (that they were invited to) then they stayed at home and sorted themselves out and we came back when we wanted to and I dont ever remember rushing back as generally they'd still be in bed asleep until the early afternoon when they were around 14/15.

Any lifts needed were discussed before the weekend and figured into our existing plans and they were often told no as we would be out so they had to arrange another lift or get there themselves.

Your DH is being unreasonable and should be telling his son no. He is 15 and more than capable of being at home alone for a day. If he doesn't like that then he comes out with you or goes back to his mums.

If this carries on not only will you resent both your DH and SS but your child will grow to resent them both too as it will impact them negatively and they will see that your DH always puts SS before them and that they have to leave things early because of it. This obviously depends on their age but kids pick up on these things much more easily than we give them credit for.

I would absolutely stick to your guns on this and go in separate cars. Your DH is completely unreasonable.

Doesn't sound like 50/50 if he's with you weeknights as well.

Why is one child being allowed to dictate a whole family’s weekend.
He needs to be organised and also treated like a teenager and not a baby.
if he can’t get back from where he is then he gets the bus or waits.
he can play on his console but not every spare minute.
he can be left on his own till 10 pm or he goes to his mums.
if his mum doesn’t like it, then he can go there.
if your H doesn’t like it then he can stay in.

Why do you need to go out for the whole day? I have teen ds and we just stay local with younger dc. We can say have afternoon at national trust and be back in time for picking up ds1. Full days out at the weekend, every weekend sounds exhausting.

That said, going in separate cars for flexibility is fine. I'd find it depressing having a day trip once my DH had buggered off. Surely there's a balance? What kind of activities are you talking about?

Ive brought up 3 teenagers and yes I would and did mind if they were whiny and ungrateful ( looking at you DD1)And I didn't and wouldn't let any of them dictate to me how things were going to run

And also had younger kids at same time. For example mine were 15 12 and 3

'You did it anyway?'
Marrying a person with children is not some kind of crime.

A step parent is fully entitled to feel the frustrations of their husband or wife handling a situation badly. Just like a none blended family having normal frustrations with each other.

The issue is your husband. I would feel exactly the same. Two cars is a good shout and less exposure to the opinions from the child's mother.

@yarlow

The problem isn't SS and I really don't believe you're 'sick' of him. What you're sick of is your DH's kowtowing to his ex's 'must not be alone' rule. So yes, you have a DH problem. What is DH afraid of with his ex? SS is 15, he is of the age where he can make his own decisions about seeing his dad.

He's behaving like a normal teen, and I'm assuming you aren't leaving him alone until the wee hours. He's more than likely happy to be left behind. And I assume that he is 'safe' and can feed himself. At 15 I would rather have chewed glass than go somewhere with my parents. And TBH, when they left me behind for the day it was heavenly. I read, watched TV, talked on the phone, and either rode my bike to get lunch (small town US) or 'grazed' the kitchen. Most of my friends were in walking/bike distance so if I went there I could make my own way home. Mum and Dad's only real rules (besides don't burn the house down) were leave a note if I left (this was the 70s), be home well before dark, only one friend over. And only specific friends if we were going in the pool (friends they knew were 'water safe').

The other issue, the 'come pick me up' is a problem. But it can be solved. Two cars would probably be the easiest. But there is nothing wrong with advising him ahead of time "We're going to XX and won't back until <insert time>. So if you go to YY, we will not be able to fetch you home until <insert time>".

But if he goes someplace far enough that he has to be driven home when you're on an outing, how does he get there in the first place? If his mum takes him, then she can pick him up. If you and DH drop him off, tell him from now on that he'll have to be happy with places within walking distance if you're going to be gone.

You're definitely not being unreasonable to leave him at home if he doesn't want to go out. If his mother is that concerned then she can have him at the weekends.

He will need ferrying around still, so that's to be expected. While SS should of course plan better for when he needs picking up etc, that's teenagers unfortunately. In that age group you are a bit like a taxi service.

At 15, he can be home alone until fairly late, certainly as late as you'd typically stay out with younger kids or a date night. His mother doesn't have to like it, and your husband can lay some ground rules about when he is and isn't available to pick SS up. It doesn't have to be all on the teenager's terms.

Of course, all this depends on your husband being reasonable, and it doesn't sound like he sees a problem. He's the root of the issue.

DH is the issue. Go with your two car plan and tell him DS is 15 not 5 so isn't going to melt into a puddle if you and DH have a nice evening out.

Are they being treated like they don’t count? I don’t see that in the post.

they have their dad seven days a week. Their dad does stuff with them at the weekend - he is just balancing that with also parenting an older child. So he is giving lift to his older son and spending time in the house with him. I didn’t get the impression dad ignores the younger kids when his oldest child is home - he just divides his time, when OP thinks his focus should be almost exclusively on the younger kids. No lifts for older boy, and days out should be as long as they need without rushing home to check on teen.

OP resents there being a third child at all. That’s not going to change. Dad only has maybe two years left to spend time with his older kid: and he hasn’t been a full time parent to the boy in a very long time.

You understand that your own children will be like this at 15?

the OP literally said that she understands this.

I am fully aware this is teens and ill have the same with mine.

like in the OP - not even later posts.

OP, as you well know your dh is the problem. Taking two cars is the solution but it is annoying because your dh isn't actually interacting with his son - he is just at his beck and call - not making an effort to connect really with him. I wonder will he be the same when your children together hit 15. He is basically a lazy parent.

Having said all that, there's no way you should be cutting family activities and evenings out short to sit in the house with him. Like you say, he's 15 not 5. Your dh is being daft.

Should have thought of that before you got hitched to a man who already had children. I've no sympathy for you.

You understand that your own children will be like this at 15?
Hope that you’ve calmed down a bit by then.

I feel very sorry for you and your poor children.
So many women in your situation would never make the same choices again.
They hate their children being treated as if they don't count, everything being about the first family.
Is it really worth being with him is the question?

I also think the dad needs to make an effort to find some common ground with his son. He is only there at the weekend - even something for a couple of hours. Go to the gym together? Cycling or running. Watch sports, game together, help him with homework?

clearly step mum has tapped herself out of any sort of relationship with the boy. His choice shouting be sit in his room or be dragged out with much younger kids to do stuff that is far too young for him.

Surely the mother doesn't get to dictate what happens in the time he's with his father, if his father is happy for him to be in the house alone then that's his decision, not the mother's.

I certainly couldn't be arsed to take on and accomodate the needs and wants of someone else's teenager, ungracious, selfish, needy things that they are.
That's why I never have. Why did you?

It'll be a different story when yours are that age. You won't mind how ungracious and selfish yet needy they are because they're yours and you love them. I should know, I've had three.
Couldn't do it for someone else's. So wouldn't.

You said yes. And here you are.